Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/06/13)


Daily Reflection (05/06/13)


Bumps in the Road


Monday. Mid-day. I have frittata on the brain…. Seriously. I came across this frittata dish with carmalized cauliflower, creme’ fraiche’, paprika, and smoked mozz… of course with eggs and OMG!! My mouth is salivating, for real. Anyway… moving on…


How was everyone’s weekend? I sure hope it was great!! Mine was a day short, cause I worked 6 days this week, and yesterday, some classic family drama went down… never a dull moment, huh? I am not going to report the shit storm I went through yesterday, mostly because it’s so ridiculous this time, it’s not worthy of both my time and my words… Anyway… moving on…


Today, When I was driving to work, I hit a pot hole in the road. Clunk, clunk.. SHIT! I just got two new tires on my ride… Nothing was wiggling or vibrating, or felt abnormal, so I figured all was just fine. Just hit the pot hole, right? But isn’t that the story of my life? Aren’t I always falling in the pot holes?


This reminded me of that story, ‘There is a hole in the sidewalk’, or something like that… you can google it and probably find the story I’m talking about, it’s kinda been around… Or I’ll not be lazy and give you the LINK HERE!! OK! Now we are on the same page…


This little story has a really great message. Sometimes we make the same mistakes, even when we know that it can harm us, make things hard, difficult or painful. Yet, for some reason, some things in life are just harder lessons. Some things take falling down a few times before we learn to go the other way. We may repeat a mistake, but eventually, we learn to do the right thing for us. I hope you followed my link to the piece ‘There is a Hole in My Sidewalk’… this is a story that is used often in recovery. In regards to addiction, we fall down a lot before we finally chose the different road…


Today, think about the roads you have walked upon in life. How often have you fallen into a hole? How about a hole that you knew was there, yet you fall in it anyway?


We kick ourselves when we make foolish mistakes, saying, ‘WTF!! I totally knew better!!’ This is OK. It happens! As long as you hold yourself accountable for your actions & choices, instead of denying them. And if you ever apologize for something, know that if you are really sorry, you try not to do it again! That is the true meaning of being sorry.


I hope you all have a super day Tryst!!


XOXO ~ Jen


Tryst Thought : I know the part that hurts the most when it comes to what I am facing right now with the family… the fact that no one seems to hold themselves accountable for their part of things. I find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that some people really think they have done NO wrong, and even when they have someone standing in front of them, telling them how they have been hurtful, they still stand there and deny having any responsibility to their actions, basically telling me that my feelings are NOT valid… which is a very hurtful thing to say to someone.


Oh, and when words get put in my mouth that I NEVER said… that hurts too. I have made this statement before: Just because words come out of someone’s mouth, doesn’t make them true.


So, we fall into holes. Learn how to get out of the holes. Maybe fall in them again… but eventually, we get sick of falling and choose a different path.




 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Broken Glass

Broken Glass
I watched in utter silence
As the moment fell to the floor
Words scattered like torn pages
Hopes & dreams as broken as glass
For a while, what may seem like
Forever, I stood just looking at defeat
Absorbing what I know at the end of all endings
Telling my tale
With all the harsh, corrupt and even innocent
Truths, I dare to enlighten you
I am numb to this life
To the things that burn, sting and scar
So let me just be real
And break the perfect fairytale that we all hoped for
Break it, what’s already broken
Like the glass that is scattered on the floor
~ J. Lefever ~
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Reason to Shine

A Poetic Duet by Miss Hasty & Miss tryst

Two shinning souls with one heck of a deep connection…


Reason to Shine

 I stopped to stare into the distance

Frozen in disbelief

Beauty reaching the endless sky

Like the softest song we sing


Draped in colors of indigo red

Vibrant through & through

Like someone threw their watercolors

Accenting my perfect view


The ocean waves dance into the sun

Creating their own harmonious song

Reflecting scenic rays of sunlight

A sparkling eternity of golden treasure


Sailboats flutter in sea breezes

Masts joining the musical dance

Spots of white dotting the horizon

Like eyes peering into the soul of me


The froth of the ocean’s clear coolness

Lapping up at the edges of this moving force

I hold on tight, to the wild reality

That has rendered me upon this vessel


Leaving behind the cruel dark nightmare

Riding off into your abstract view

Unable to explain even the simplest puzzles

Determined by the quest of coming alive


The calm serenity seeps into my bones

And my healing heart begins to rejoice

Natural grand majesty set before me

This sea of beauty created just for me


With a spark, an explosion right before my eyes

All things seemed to make perfect sense

Yesterday was a grand lesson learned

My future path will explain all the rest


I’ve learned to let things quietly go

Somethings were never meant to be mine

I walk on through, with space to grow

Finding new reasons to make my Soul Shine


Written by Hastywords & Think Speak Tryst


From our tender hearts to you, proof in print that somethings we let go of, to make room for something new.

Visit Hastywords by following the link provided… You won’t regret stopping by…


“Good things fall apart, so that better things can come together” – Marilyn Monroe


©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication



Daily Reflection on Tryst (02/18/13)

Daily Reflection (02/18/13)

 Me & Mike

 The Wind of Change & Words of Wisdom of a Friend

 Off to a late start here Tryst! Sorry for the delay, but work has been busy this Monday morning in KC!! I stepped out of my house this morning and the air was nice, cool, but warm enough for a hoodie or a sweater. I like that kind of air!! The sky is gloomy though, and it’s just started to rain, which makes me wanna be home writing till my soul’s content. Oh, I wish, how I wish…

This morning I got a text message from a very dear friend of mine, someone who has been an important part of my life since I was just a young teenager girl, who knew nothing of the world but yearned to know everything. The wise words of Michal Fasone really got my mind thinking about things this morning, and at my request, he has allowed me to quote his wisdom here on my Tryst reflection..

“I can’t tell if I have changed and everything around me is the same, or if I’m the same and everything around me has changed” – Michal Fasone

As soon as I read those words, I thought, and then I read them again, and then I thought, and then I read them again. What a deep thing to say first thing in the morning. Michal and I have a really great friendship. We always have. He and I connect in a way that, is so unexplainable, even I can’t really find the right words. Time goes by, we each live our lives, but the paths of him and I always cross… and they have for over the last fourteen years. I have shared laughter with him, and tears too. We have travelled together and run all over this city of ours, making memories as we go. I know the things he goes through, and he knows my battles as well as my victories. And with the subject of change, shit, I have been there. My life has changed more in the last 12 months than any other time in my life. I know the discomfort of change. Change that is forced, that is.

I told him last night, that change is always uncomfortable. Especially forced change. When things happen in life, and it forces our lives to make different routines and patterns, we are always a little, if not a whole lot, sad, pissed off, mad, depressed, angry, resentful, and so on. Who said I wanted this change anyway!! When forced to do anything we don’t want to do, we naturally don’t like it. Change is tough.

Eventually, we digest the changes, and life starts to balance out a little. We reach out to friends and family and try to make new habits, or routines, and life goes on. Right? Life always goes on.

Changes mark the end of something. But with every end, there is also a beginning. And beginnings can mean a whole world of new things and possibilities. We get so stuck in the discomfort of the change that we aren’t even aware of all the possibilities that come with the new beginning, the fresh start. After last year came to an end, I was writing on Tryst about these things, like change, and fresh starts, new beginnings. I was desperately trying to be positive about moving forward and passed last years tragic events. Talk about a change… I’m having to adjust to being my parents only child, granted I’m not a child, but we lost Dave, my brother, their son… this is a forced change that will be the most difficult to endure, I’m sure. This forced change brings up all of those emotions I mentioned above, sadness, anger, etc. So with the new year, I wrote and wrote about starting fresh and being open and aware of my possibilities.

This is the advice I am trying to pass along here. To my friend Michal, who is one of the greatest friends I’ve ever had, one of the most beautiful spirits I have ever had the gift of knowing, keep your precious eyes open. What lies ahead of you, no one knows, but I know who you are, and wonderful things happen to wonderful people. It’s just the way it is. Sometimes, it takes a little longer for things to fall into place, but they will.

Remember, when one door closes, another opens!! This is so true..

Patience is a hard thing to have sometimes. We want, what we want, when we want it!! Why not, right? But life doesn’t work like that for us. So hang in there… it’s all gonna be OK!!

Pain is immeasurable. No one’s pain is greater or worse than someone elses. You are allowed to feel what you are feeling. And what comes from pain is strength.

Today, Tryst friends, if you are going through a change, or some big changes, go easy on yourself. Adjust smoothly to them, and don’t get overwhelmed!! One day, after you have moved passed the change, you will wake up and think, ‘was I really freakin out like that’!!

I wish you all a beautiful Monday!! ~ Jen

Tryst Thought: Today I learned something new about a good friend of mine. I saw another piece of his spirit that was truly amazing. I have much gratitude for having him in my life, I am blessed to call him my friend. His few words touched me in such a deep, inspirational way… And because of him, I get to share his wise words!! Thanks Mike.. you know I love you dearly!! ~J


©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication Speak

Daily Reflection on Trystღ (02/13/13)

Daily Reflection (02/13/13)


 Spring Le-Fever

 Happy Wednesday Tryst!! How does this day find you? The news this morning told me that the temp today is supposed to be close to 60 degrees, which makes me super happy! I am a warm weather kind of girl, all the way!! I was commenting on a fellow blogger’s site last night, who had posted a piece on the winter weather which had brought to his city lots and lots of snow, and he was not too happy about it. I commented that snow is only good for one thing, snowboarding!!


My bestest girlfriend, the beautiful Marie, and I love to go snowboarding. Even though we live in the midwest, we have a little park here that provides some of the largest hills in the state, and when packed with snow, they are packed with skiers and boarders!! (I picked up snowboarding when I was in college in Salt Lake City, so, yea, I’m snow-spoiled! But I also found my love for the sport, so I’m grateful to be able to ride my board whenever I can!) Aside from that sole purpose, I don’t like much else about winter. Everything is grey and dead, and it’s so cold, especially at night… blah! If I’m not attached to a snowboard, then put my ass on a beach, under the hot sun, in a bikini, with some coconut oil, a good book, or magazine, and a surf board so I can run down to the surf and ride the waves!! (Not the snow this time, my other board-riding sport)


With that said, I’m itching with a wicked bad case of the inevitable ‘Spring-fever’, which is something I get every year, no matter what, right about this time. People make jokes, ‘Jen Le-Fever got the Spring Le-Fever..’ but it’s true! I love the spring time! Everything is bursting back to life, the world is bursting with colors right before our very own eyes, people are moving around the city, getting exercise to burn off the ‘winter-pounds’ we packed on during the holidays and bitter cold nights. The shops are packed with new spring fashion, and all the new things are being displayed for the spring season’s new Couture lines!! Spring time is the ‘Season of Life’, as I like to call it. Everything is just new, and fresh, and alive again!


I think this year my Spring-Fever will be especially bad! I am putting behind me, further and further, the events of last year, which were very difficult, to say the least. And as I watch the world spring back to life, I realize how unpredictable life really is. I will leave you today with this Tryst thought:


Life. Time. Love. These things are so precious. We can’t get time back, ever. We can’t change, or predict, or alter our life or our past in any way. We can’t force love, either to stop or to start. Our hearts do that for us. We have no control over who our hearts choose to love. Love just is, it just happens.


So… Live in the moment! Keep your eyes open and know that this moment right here, this very moment where you sit here, reading these very little Tryst words, you can’t ever get back! (So, I hope you are enjoying it..) (Smiling) Love with all your heart! Spend your time wisely! These things are so important. And one last thing, this one is important.. Tell your loved ones you love them, every time you go to tell them ‘Bye’ on the phone, or in person. You never know when the last time you will ever get to say those very words to them will be. Say ‘I love you’!! If I could tell my brother that I love him, if only just one more time… ah, that’s a whole other matter, but you get my point!?


I hope this day is filled with love and you are all full of life today!

Enjoy the coming of the Spring time, and if you have a case of the ‘Spring Fever’, it’s OK, go ahead and itch it!! Do whatever you need to do to enjoy the world coming back to life this spring time!!


Love your Life Tryst Family!! Live your day!! ~ Jen


©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

First Drops of Salt Lake Rain ~ Tryst Story

First Drops of Salt Lake Rain

A Tryst Story


The clouds finally break and I can see parts of blue peaking through. I love the sky when it is clear and blue, but I also love the rain, and you can’t have real thunder storms without clouds. This was the first time it has rained really hard since I re-located my life here, in this new city, twelve hundred miles from where I grew up in the midwest. Here, the mountain air is so clean, and crisp. The smells are completely different. I think I am in love…

They say that it never thunders here, something about the mountains. When you are in the valley, where most of the city is planted and most of society lives and exists, there is hardly any rain and thunder. You’re best chance at hearing thunder is up higher in elevation, up the in canyons. My condo is nestled in a great place, about a ten minute drive to the foothill of the mountains, if that.

I sit here, at my window, looking out to the sky. I think of the thunderstorms, the massive, thick down pour of rain storms that I have left back in the midwest, when I packed up the truck with my whole life in it, and drove away from all I knew, hopping on I70 west bound for Utah. I left a lot back there. Twenty-two years of everything I knew. I said ‘See you later’, and started off on a new path, the next phase of my life. I say, ‘See you later’ instead of ‘Goodbye’ because ‘Goodbye’ means ‘forever’ and I wasn’t leaving ‘forever’. No, I would be back. At this time, I couldn’t tell you if I’d ever go back permanently, or just for a visit, but I knew it wasn’t ‘Goodbye’.

I had hit a few road blocks in my life back home. I had fallen down a few times too. Few, to say the least.  I didn’t ‘run’ here to run away from anything, it was more like I came here to find myself. I came here to grow and discover who ‘Jen’ really is. I can say that the answer to this question is easy. I could probably answer a few different ways, but what do I know really? I feel like I know a lot, but I also don’t know shit. Life, my life, had thrown me a dozen hits that threw me completely off track and left me dazed and quite confused. So to say I know anything, I think at this point, is an overly confident thing to say. To be safe, and slightly humbled, I understand that I know very little and I’m ready to have my eyes opened and for some wisdom’s to come my way. Yes, I am very ready for this. My lack of knowledge has me kicking myself pretty hard sometimes. I am craving something more…

The rain always makes me feel connected spiritually and more creative to express myself verbally, so I grab for my journal to do some writing. I stare down at the blank page and scribble the date in the top, right corner. Poetry has always been a soothing outlet for me. I can’t remember when I started writing poems. I remember the first poem that I had to memorize and recite standing solo in front of a classroom full of my peers, was in the fifth grade. It was my first year in public school and everything was so different. I had gone to a private school, ever since I was the age to start school, before that and it was structured very different from the public school style. I always had it easy in English class studies, the ways of the language came really easy to me. I can’t even remember the name of that poem that we all had to learn, but I remember that it was easy and I liked how it told a story with words that rhymed. That was when I knew that I could tell my stories with rhyming words, and thus began my young passion for the English language and all things with writing.

Rain hits the window sill

And I sit here alone

Far away from all I know

This is my new home

As I, sitting there in the quiet of my own place, think of the events of the last few months, a tear runs down my cheek. I have some regret left clear in my mind for some choices I made. I have some anger towards myself, and some sadness and betrayal towards a few people who I thought I knew, but didn’t. It’s heartbreaking when you learn that someone who you thought was a friend, actually wasn’t. And when you thought you knew someone, and you find out that you were quite mistaken. Or even when you thought you knew yourself, and find out that you are quite clueless. No, I’m not home sick. I’m sick for any place that feels like home. I have sadly realized that a lot of things in my life so far were wrong. I have not had the easiest last few years. I only have myself to blame for them, although this is not a truth that I like to admit, and rarely do out loud, but internally I know this to be true. I wasn’t in the mood to write a sad piece about my young trials and failures thus far. I’ve written a few books on those already. I was hoping for more of an uplifting, up-beat, good energy, and inspiring piece that I could mark as a new beginning for me. This was a new chapter in my life anyway, and so I continue…

Hopes and dreams

I came to find

A place in the world

That is wonderfully mine

So, yeah, I will miss the thunder and the pouring rain in the mid-west. But here I am, with nothing but tomorrow to make and create the most wonderful of times for myself. My puppy is here with me, along for our journey ahead. I have all I need under this roof, and so much more than that to be grateful for. It will take some healing, this I know for sure, to move past the life threatening ride I was on before I left my old stomping ground. But I have my loyal pen and paper to tell the story along the way…

J. Lefever

And that is exactly how I have continued to tell the story of my life. I have written almost everyday. Up to this very moment, where I find myself, sitting here, writing, well typing, the very words that make up the story of my life. This is just a little piece of my life I remember, when I moved away from my home town for the very first time.

This is a true story

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Start Fresh in January. 2013

569705421582232197_UbgCJOXW_b  New year, New beginnings…

The January Journal.

January 1, 2013 –

With the start of anything, I’m always predicting how things will be in my mind. These are just some thought’s in January to put in my Tryst Journal… It’s the first day of the new year. Last year seems like a bad dream when I think about it. There was a lot of loss in my life last year. I have had to leave some things behind, someone who has always been a part of me. As I miss my brother more and more everyday, the time that goes by without him doesn’t get easier. I must accept that he is gone, or I will never move forward. This is a year of big change for me… there are a lot of things that I want to do. I know myself, though, I’m already getting overwhelmed by looking at everything as a whole, and not one thing at a time. If I were to set a New Years Resolution, it would be to break patterns, habits, and try new approaches to everything! Everything! It’s a ‘New’ year resolution for a reason… do something NEW!!

imagesCAF6XMH9  New You!

January 11, 2013 –

My day was frustrating and difficult. After the roller coaster of last year, I can say with much conviction that, there is some healing to be done and a mountain to climb. I am not at the bottom, however, but I have a long way to go. When the emotions of a family are all on the rocks, due to the tragic loss of one of its members, maintaining a rational attitude 100% of the time is unrealistic. I am learning about the stages of grief. Anger is the one that is the most difficult for me to accept. I am not an angry person, not at all. Maybe sensitive at times, fragile, gullible, yes many other things, but angry? No. I’m not the angry girl. So, when I feel this anger, I almost get angry that I’m angry. Here’s what’s going on… I am trying to stay calm and positive all the time, and this is not that difficult, but when I feel hurt or sad at the loss of my brother and that hurt and sadness turns to anger, aren’t I allowed to feel the pain and get the angry shit out?!?! My mom is going through this… My dad is much more passive and keeps things as internal as possible, as I believe is quite common for men, and then there is me. We are all just trying to do the very best we can, and sometimes a day comes along that is harder than the rest. It’s life, right? It’s dealing with loss, and grief, right? It’s not supposed to be easy…

imagesCACXV7OX  I really like this, so I had to put it in my digital journal. ~ J

January 17th, 2013 –

I am exploring myself this week. I have been writing a lot and sharing some pieces that are very personal, close, and dear to my heart. Pieces that I wrote last spring when I was on the inside. Wow, how the time is flying.. I have been learning of some new creative writing outlets and I’m excited to write a poetry duet with a blogging friend. These things are good for me, as I always feel up-lifted when I’m using my creative side.

January 18th, 2013 –

I have been, screaming on the inside, and numb and frozen on the outside. I feel a little trapped, in my routine, and it’s not a routine that makes my soul truly satisfied. So… what should I do…? Take the necessary steps towards what I want/need… but what are those steps..? I feel like I really don’t even know yet. This makes me claustrophobic, and restless. In my blog exploration, I found someone who wrote on this very subject, you can find her piece right here, in a well-rounded blog titled Passionwritting. Anyway, I did not have a good night last night. I spent some time thinking about what I need to do to move towards obtaining at least one of my goals… and I just ended up overwhelming myself! I need to alleviate some of this stress and anxiety! I checked with the City Events Calender on-line and got all kinds of information on upcoming events here in the city. I plan to busy myself with all kinds of things that are different, or out-side my normal box… I have to. I need a change. I’m screaming to get out…

…As January is nearing its end, and the first month of 2013 is already over… What have I done to honor my resolution?

imagesCACL66W6 January Goal – Health & fitness.

Start eating healthier, cooking at home more, taking vitamins, getting regular sleep, maintaining balance between work and relaxing, and get into a yoga class! These are my January goals and main focus points! Get my health on.. ~J

Exordium of…

569705421582196957_unBy33M4_b  Fresh Start…New Beginnings…

It is a brand new year! This is the time when we get to put away all of the shit things of last year that we did, things that we didn’t do, things we regret doing, yada yada yada… and start fresh! It’s the exordium of 2013! (Exordium is a fancy way to say ‘a beginning of something’… It’s one of my fav. fancy words) And with the fresh new start of this year, it’s also the exordium of many other things as well, hence why the title of this piece is non-specific. I am embracing this new year big time! I am so glad that last year is over and in my rear-view mirror, I can’t even explain it in words! I’m so glad it’s over! It is time for a fresh start and new beginnings!

There are a few things that I’d like to keep in mind as I move forward through this new year. I cannot forget where I came from. That is very important to me. I need not dwell in my past, but I must not forget it! My past experiences are my life’s teaching tools and they have all brought me to where I am today, and have shaped me into who I am today… and…I really love the soul inside of me, I really do. Also I must remember to practice the virtues that got me through the roughest parts of last year, and those are; forgiveness, humility, patience and faith. As I walked back into the world in which I was once a drowning soul, I was armed with these virtuous things, and I continue to practice them daily, or each chance I can get. I know that I will never master them, but the more I exercise them, the more dominant in my life they will be, and having a strong presence of those four virtues in my life is very important to me. Finally, I will remember to stop and smell the roses! by this I mean, in my life, it seems like I have always moved very quickly. In times when I was very productive and alive, I was, well, very productive and I did not spend enough time enjoying the ‘here and now’. When I was, on the inside, I read some great books on the ‘here and now’, mostly the Buddhist beliefs on life and I was really inspired. I learned that even though my eyes have been open, my eyes were never really open. (I have touched base on this before in my blog.. ) How many things have I already lived through or experienced in which I barely remember, or even forgot completely? Yes! I need to stop and smell the roses! Slow down! Enjoy my moments, because as a very wise man once said, “There are no ordinary moments”. (Dan Millman, Author and my inspirational guru)

New beginnings for me this year mark a very pivotal point in my life. I have lost someone this last year, and my life will never be the same. So, fresh start, new beginning, all of this end of the year, and on to the next marks a big change for me. I lost my brother last June. My little brother and I were best friends, yes, we were life partners! We were two years apart, we did everything together as kids and as adults, we spoke about everything. People have come into our lives, and they have left, but by brother always had his sister, and I always had my brother.

My brother is gone.

Sometimes I still can’t wrap my head around those four little words… four little words with life changing-monumantal meaning and consequence. This year I get to look forward to attending the murder trial of the P.O.S, excuse me, the individual who shot and killed my brother. What will I feel in those moments? What will it be like to be in the same room with the person who took a person who was a part of me, who was a piece of my heart, someone who I was not yet finished making memories with…? I will practice those virtues because in those moments, I will need them. (…and also strength, courage, and kindness…)

It is the exordium of my life. I have just celebrated ten months of sobriety, and I look forward to my one year mark. (This month will be eleven!) I just keep loving the me that I forgot about for so long. Yes, there are many parts of my life that feel so great, sheesh I have missed myself! But then, am I allowed to be super happy in those moments, I mean, with my brother gone, sometimes my happiness makes me feel very guilty. These are things I’m sure I will understand better in time, but for right now, with my great loss still so fresh, it’s all so difficult and confusing.

There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth…not going all the way, and not starting.” – Buddha

That is great advice Buddha! I can remember many times when I sold myself short. I can also tell of times when I never even began at all, in fear of failure, or loss, or rejection… How will I ever know if I don’t start? It is the exordium of many things for me. Life is so unpredictable… it is such a paradox. That is all for now…

imagesCALAABPW  Keep practicing this! Forgive yourself Jen and move forward… Keep moving forward… This is your exordium!

~ Jen Lefever