The Moment – Post Traumatic Stress

The Moment
Post Traumatic Stress
**
And then one day
You are somewhere in the world
With this feeling deep inside
A feeling that something is wrong
You just know
That something is not  right
You don’t know what it is
But it is something
This feeling is real
Unknown to what your senses are telling you
You tell the feeling to go away
Go away … you say
Just go
You don’t know what else to say …
 
That’s when the moment arrives
The moment you are brought into the white room
Told to sit down and listen
Told that this will be some difficult news
 
At first I heard the words
Echoing inside my head
Echo … echo … echo …
No no … he can’t be dead
No no … you must be wrong
No no … it can’t be my person
No no … you don’t understand
No no … please check again
No no … You’ve got the wrong man
Right … ?
What … ?
Oh no … don’t say the words
Oh no … no no no not my brother
Oh no …oh my God oh my God
Oh no … I can’t feel my hands
Oh no … my chest is tight
Oh no … I am gasping for air
Oh no … this doesn’t feel real
Oh no … no no no not my little brother
Oh no … no no
My knees hit the floor
My hands slip as I try to brace my fall
Dizzy in my head
Blur … blur … blur
My sight is seeing red
On the ground with people all around
Muffled are their voices
Blurred by my tears
Drowning my eyes inside my head
Say it’s not true
My brother can’t be dead
I must get out of here
As I am now trapped in hell
No where to go
No where to run
I need some air
I’m coming undone
I stand up on my legs
They quiver in physical shock
My throat is tight & dry
Get me out of this room
Am I really here right now
This can’t be real … it can’t be real
I take myself outside
Underneath the sky
Looking up into the clouds
Looking for his face somewhere …
Screaming … I start to scream NO
Screaming … SCREAMING … scream
I scream his name over and over
Hand on my breaking heart
Bent over I sob … I sob
I can’t seem to catch my breath
I can’t seem to let myself feel
That any of this … is real
This can’t be real, right?
This can’t be real …
This can’t be real …
That’s my brother … my baby brother
That’s my life … he is a part of me
Oh no … I love him so much
So much, my brother … NO
Shock …
I’m in shock …
Panic …
I start to panic …
No no … I’m not done!!
I’m just not finished
I have things to tell him
I have things to say
I have to let him know
Oh my God … I didn’t tell him goodbye
He needs to  hear me say ‘I love you’ one more time
One more time … just once more
I … I am not
Finished
I … have so much to
Oh no … no not my brother … no
Why?
How?
What happened?
Where did he go?
What did he need?
Why Dave oh no … why?
What am I supposed to do now?
I need you here
What about mom & dad
They need us both
They are getting older
I told them that I’d always be here for you Dave
I told them that you will be ok
I can’t breathe … I just can’t breathe
Let me catch my breath …
Someone tell me something
Someone tell me what to do
What am I supposed to do
My whole life had you in it
Life doesn’t make sense without you
And the last time we spoke …
Oh my God … the last time
The last time we spoke was the last time we spoke
It was the last time I’d ever hear your voice
I didn’t know that … I didn’t know
How could I know that
I’m sorry … I’m sorry
I need to call your phone
I’m calling your phone
It’s ringing … ringing
I hear your voice
Bus it’s your voice mail
I’m holding the phone
My eyes are burning
My heart is aching
I slide down the wall
Phone drops to the floor
I sob for you … I sob
Tell me this isn’t real
This isn’t real
Hole
There is a hole in my heart
 
Now what …
 
~ Sis
 
**
 
This is something I felt like trying to put into words.
I didn’t do it much justice … these words are so light, compared to … this event that haunts me and recurs in my mind all the time … no justice.
**
imagesCA8Q9SE7
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/10/13)

Daily Reflection (04/10/13)

 imagesfdf

Time Management.

 

Rain is falling on Wednesday… Rain falls hard from the sky today. I don’t know what it is about the rain, but it always makes me feel in touch with my artistic expressions. It makes me want to write all day, allowing my heart to speak, and my soul to spill out all of its words!! Instead, I have had a million errands to run today, with no umbrella, so needles to say… I am a little damp!! …I don’t mind…

 

My dreams were interrupted last night by the loud booming of thunder in the sky. As my eyes popped open, and I lay there, gathering my current state of mind, and other random dreaming thoughts, I decided to roll out of bed and go to the kitchen and make peanut butter & honey in a tortilla, which is so yummmm…

 

Rain was pattering my kitchen window hard and quiet strikes of lightning would flash across the sky, followed by the rumble of the thunder as I stood in my kitchen… thinking of things…

 

Sometimes, our thoughts visit us and they do us no good. Have you ever talked yourself into something that is much less than you thought? Have you ever made things a bigger deal in your head?

 

Don’t believe everything you think!!

 

In the past few weeks, I have had a lot going on… to say the least. It can be hard to maintain a balance in your life, when you are being pulled in so many directions. When you have to be so many places, there just isn’t enough time. Or when you need to do one thing in order to do another, yet, your time is pulling you away from it with another arising problem or obligation… I mean, phew!! I feel like a juggling act at the circus!! Like, lets see how much shit we can pile on top of Jen before she collapses!!

 

I also try to make time to eat, rest, read, and write (which has been seldom lately due to my ever so busy life) and to do something fun! It is important to make time for fun & laughter!! Laughter is the very best medicine, and very good for the soul!!

 

So, am I managing my time well? No. Not really. I could do better. I’m behind on my writing, on my reading, and my e-mails are piling up. I am working a full-time job on top of balancing my volunteer work and I am facing a murder trial next month for the person who killed my brother. (As if that isn’t enough stress… there is more…)

 

I know that we can’t get the answers to all these perplexing life boggles… but we can always reach out, for help or just to talk, and if you are like me, a proud proud person… it is OK to need a helping hand!! ((I sometimes fall because of my refusal to ask for help… I feel, too much pride to ask for such a thing and quite frankly, I don’t like the attention)) But this truth is foolish!! In reality, we are human. I am human. I am not perfect. I cannot get everything done all at once. And if I need a little help just to breathe or balance myself out, that is perfectly normal.

 

For the few things I left out of my BIG TO-DO LIST up there… it’s because they are a bit more private. But regardless, this woman has a lot going on in her busy life!! I am trying to make myself aware that I need to manage my time better, in order to get all my obligations done and goals met.

 

I hope the day finds you well!!

 

Where ever you are, open your eyes and look for something that is remarkable that you may not have noticed before…Trust me, there are things to see that you have not noticed before!! No moment is ordinary… find the remarkable…

 

♥Jen

 

Tryst Thought : Remember… Don’t believe everything you think!! Sometimes our minds can poison us a little… believe it or not!!

 

 
********
 
723143cbf085f627dabdd871a9c68615
 
 
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

Carnival

imagesCAAAJIF5
 
Carnival
 
The colors of the carnival
Danced in front of my eyes
Playing tricks
Magical tricks
Of the most wicked kind
 
Luring me into
The corners of the unknown
I take tiny steps
In fear of the moment
Questioning the intention of you
 
Life is a parade
Of my success & failures
On constant display
For all the world
To see… the parade of me
 
Or is it a stage show
With real words and moments
Acted out by me
Tears and music
All my sadness and joy
 
In this carnival
Of my life dancing before my eyes
My spark is momentarily gone
Busy with the pain I’ve been given
Distracted by the mistakes of my youth
 
Today I fell
Into the dirty water
I allowed myself to sink
To the bottom of nothing
Once again, I too feel like nothing
 
There are days
When I hate some things about life
Truth & realities
I question, Why
Reasons I hide
 
There are times
When I laugh at everything
All that I see
Is beautiful and kind
Reasons to be alive
 
And then the carnival
Comes back to town
With its tricks and shows of magic
Playing and toying with my mind
Making me live through
Moments not of my choice
Forcing my eyes to see things
So sad it steals my own voice
 
Who am I
But a heart given to you
You come along
With your poisons
And break me too
 
So much I
Would never have seen
If I never had you
In the carnival’s
Nightmarish-Dream
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/02/13)
 
*****
 imagesCAKJ9JNC
 
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 

Flame on the Horizon ~ Tryst Fiction

Flame on the Horizon ~ Tryst Fiction

forest_fire_from_below-1024x682 

 

I can’t tell you if we will ever go back there.

The events of last night will haunt us for years to come.

Dreams, reality and nightmares, it was everything.

I reached for his hand and we walked away from it all.

Leaving the red flame of the horizon far behind us.

 

 

*****

 

A Lillie McFerrin Piece ~ Five Sentence Fiction

 NewFSFBadge-1

What it’s all about: Five Sentence Fiction is about packing a powerful punch in a tiny fist. Each week I will post a one word inspiration, then anyone wishing to participate will write a five sentence story based on the prompt word. The word does not have to appear in your five sentences, just use it for direction.

 

This week’s word: Flame

 

*****

 imagesCA36TTGR

 
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication