Daily Reflection on Tryst – Letting Go of Yesterday

Daily Reflection on Tryst

October 22, 2013

Letting Go of Yesterday …

18baaaa680f7febeb0ee9789c9daebcf

Today my thought is simple. I want to remind myself and others while I’m at it, that there is no point in fussing over the past. The past is over and there is nothing you can do about it. How much time have you wasted into fussing over this and that about your yesterday?

Of course I am mainly pointing this advice towards myself today … I have a current situation that has me … quite pissed actually, pissed about some things that happened about a year ago. About a year ago!?!?! How stupid is this then? There is nothing I can do to change these events, there is no amount of time I can spend trying to explain them, or justify them, or rationalize them in any way. The time has passed. The events took place. And I have since moved on from all of it.

These events have consequences though. Those consequences are what I am currently dealing with and thus explain my pissy, fussy, bitter attitude and my sense of regret.

I am reminded on a daily basis right now about my foolishness a year ago … the fact that I listened to my heart instead of my head a year ago … the fact that I majorly sacrificed my safely and well-being for the sake of another a year ago … the face that my life and my parent’s life will be highly affected if this ends badly because of this other person and my inability to remove myself from the situation a year ago … I a reminded on a daily basis that it get me nowhere, ever, loving another person MORE than I love myself!!! If I love another more than I love me, look how much shit I have to deal with … only because I made some serious sacrifices, and excuses for this person.

I am the fool who loved someone else more than I loved my own self and as a result … I am paying for it greatly right now.

But this is still all a pointless waste of my time! And everyone else’s whom I might bother with the banter and conversation about this shit. So, what can I do?

I can think about what I CAN do for my future and to move on with the best outcome and the best results for this situation and these events. Nope, I sure as hell can’t change the past but I can make a difference on what happens today and tomorrow.

So that is what I am doing. Stop with the bullshit fuss about what I wish I would have or have not done a year ago and get on with the best course of action to make my present and my future more pleasant … and make this past situation, end peacefully.

Phew … glad I got that off my chest!! I needed to vent a little!!! Of course, this matter is personal and so I am vague about the what-have-you’s … but that’s my business. I only wanted to reflect here on the pointlessness of fussing over things that have already happened. Put energy into today and tomorrow and you’ll be much better off!!!

Oh, and NEVER love someone else MORE than you love yourself. Period. Ever. Never do that. Because no one will ever love you or have your back as much as you do. People are NOT selfless like that. I learn the hard way when I act selfless towards someone (Someone in particular) That ‘sacrifice’ , whether they say it or not, would most likely never be returned. People are too selfish to put you before them. It makes me sad to think about this reality because it is honestly not how I am. I never feel good when I am acting selfish, so it is hard for me to wrap my head around this ‘loving yourself more’ but it is a powerful truth and wisdom.

I think I need to find a good balance between the two … being selfless still towards others, but still loving myself enough, if not a little more … plenty, or just right! 🙂

I hope you have a great day Tryst Family!! XO – Jen

42c19a9f286efd5e06e337274a173a32

 

*****

22729173088895154_UHVlYq93_f

  ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

Advertisements

I’M OBSESSED ~ Tryst Update

I’m Obsessed!! ~ Tryst Updates

3fbabf4fb9544154a58a8b6d1d9c1e44

..Cinnamon Toast Crunch..

I have known that I have an addictive personality for most of my life. It is no surprise that when I like something, I want more & more of it! This is common, this addictive personality. I know that 85% of the population of this world are addicted to something, statistics don’t lie. Which actually makes me quite normal, kinda nuts huh?

Anyway, sometimes when I get on something, I get hooked and I just crave it daily!! These little obsessions, or hooks, happen all the time since I’ve entered the world of sobriety. I don’t mind either!! I feed my healthy cravings and obsessions!!

This week I am hooked on the classic kid’s cereal Kellog’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch!! It was on sale at the store and has been forever since I’ve had some. So, I bought a box and I’ve not been able to put it down since!! I’ve had cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner… and, I think I’ll go have another bowl right now…

If you enjoyed this cereal as a kid, and haven’t had a bowl in years, I suggest you go and grab a box of this delicious goodness!! I believe that we are never too old for kid cereal!! If we don’t have things we enjoy in life, what’s the point of being here? Life should be made joyful… and good… like this cereal!! HA!!

Have a great day Tryst!! XOXO

~Jen

*****
 imagesCAJZ4VYS
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/30/13)

Daily Reflection (04/30/13)

4e2b254cc4800c28d63e8be46035e2f1

 

You & Your Negativity

 

Hello Tryst Family!! How does the day find you? Wonderful & warm in the sunshine.. I hope!! Things have been very productive for me lately. It is only Tuesday and I am getting so much done this week! I love that feeling of great accomplishment when you know that you, and only you, are responsible for the great things that are happening in your life. It’s a good feeling for sure!!

 

As for the other side of things, well, the trial that is coming up for the person who took my brother from me has been pushed back another few months. There was actually a court appearance last week, but my mother didn’t feel it was important enough to call and tell me. Instead she took her daughter-in-law and her friends to this hearing, while I, her actual daughter and sister to the victim, sat at home, unaware that this event took place. My mother is really good at making me feel like I am not a part of this family. So, as the story continues to go, I have to figure out what is the best for me in my life. I am just too important to myself to not have my best interests at heart.

 

While the tears do fall for the unknown reasons why my mother shuts me out, there are parts of me that feel like I’ll never be enough. I have written on this before. But then I think about my life… my actual life… all the things I’ve done and all the things I am doing… and I realize that it is truly my mothers loss. She is missing out on a fun person in her life, because I am full of that stuff I call soulshine! I am also the spark of positivity that floats around my family… even after all the blah and tragedy. I still try to stay up-beat.

 

Someone said to me, “Your mother should be proud of you for the incredible changes you have made! Your life is completely different!” Maybe this is true… but I can’t force my mother to think things. I am just not that powerful. She thinks what she wants and honestly… she is the most negative piece in my life. I do not have that angry, negative and mean energy from anyone else. As a result, as sad as this makes me, I have to eliminate the negative piece from my life. I just don’t want anything to do with it.

 

Not to mention this gloomy, down in the dumps shit, she throws my past in my face every time I see her! And frankly, I do not live in my past anymore. Not any part of my yesterday is currently my today. I don’t need to defend myself either. I have my integrity at the end of the day, and with each rising sun, I know that I don’t deserve to be put through the emotional roller-coaster she sends me on every other month.

 

I don’t deserve it. I am better than that.

 

My reflection today is on negativity. When you are a negative person, everything in your life sucks. You are blinded from anything good, even when it is staring you in the face! You wake up angry or mad, and everything is just terrible. You certainly don’t like to see people happy and enjoying their lives because there you are, in your rain puddle, complaining about your life and everyone else. Of course, the negative people never hold themselves accountable for why they are always in a crummy mood. It is always someone elses fault. What someone else did or didn’t do. When really, they clearly don’t see that to the rest of the world, they aren’t fooling anyone but themselves. To the rest of the world, we can see that they project their crummy negativity on to others, especially their family and loved ones, when they really need to look in the mirror and realize that they are negative and crummy and it is all their fault. It is not the world around them.

 

It is obvious that a person is negative when they literally ‘fish’ for things to complain about when they should be practicing gratitude for the things they do have. What makes me even more sad and ashamed of people who act like this is when these people ‘preach’ about the exact things they are NOT doing… like being kind, compassionate, supportive, and forgiving… just to name a few… and yes, this directly relates to my situation.

 

(Shaking my head)

 

Life is too short to waste living like this. And if you find yourself alone, you might ask yourself why… if it really is everyone else that is the problem, then why is it YOU are the ONE ALONE? Maybe it’s time to start practicing what you preach, instead of being negative and crummy and pointing a finger.

 

I hope to spread positive things and messages in my life. I don’t walk with the negative because, truthfully, I can’t stand it. And while it makes me sad to have to realize that even my mother is one of those terribly negative elements in my life, I choose to eliminate it because I refuse to put up with the put downs. I just won’t do it anymore.

 

Have a great day Tryst Fam!! If you encounter a negative person… run the other direction!! XOXO

 

~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : As people, we suffer from addictions. Some are addicted to booze, others pills… some are addicted to sex, or shopping or gambling… but then there are some who are addicted to drama and pain. I believe that there are some people who just do not know how to live happy and enjoy their time. Instead, they spend their whole lives being miserable and making those who they are around miserable too.

 

I am so grateful that I have a heart and soul that is not hooked on drama and pain…

 

*****
 
4d094a1b8850773e99232aec76061b1c3
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

Is The Juice Worth The Squeeze? ~Tryst Insider

 

Is The Juice Worth The Squeeze? ~ Tryst Insider

I rolled out of bed this morning to get ready for my day. After a quick, hot shower I got dressed and dried my hair. Mascara and a little bronzer is all I apply to my face, I have never worn make-up really, and I threw a clip in my hair and was out the door. Headed to the Argosy Casino for my Noni’s 86th birthday brunch & gambling with my family!

On the way there, driving, I was deep in thought. (I do a lot of deep thinking when I’m alone in my car. I find it is a good place to think. When I’m alone, with no other influences, no distractions to divert my natural intuition… )

When faced with the decisions we make in life, we don’t always know in the beginning of things, if the conclusion is going to be a good one. Happy endings are not always predictable. Unfortunately, we don’t always know if things are going to be good for us, if things are going to be worth it, and especially when dealing with people, we certainly don’t know how things will turn out. We go into most relationships with blinders on. Most times, we are blinded by the delusional happiness of our hearts, telling us, “This is going to be so wonderful!” And things like, “I am so happy right now, there is no way that this happiness is going to change!” Then, sadly, we are bitch-slapped with the cold-harsh realities of ugly human nature and the good-hearted people are left dumb-founded by the truth that we were mistakenly wrong about the person, or situation, and our strength Is then tested by the ways we deal with ‘saving’ ourselves and getting our emotional safety back and loving ourselves.

I remind myself that I love myself. In these current moments, I love myself more than anything. I gotta come first. And no matter what, I know my future looks great because I have some wonderful blessings in my life that I will take advantage of. I have virtues inside of my soul that I will use. I will move forward and be fine, no matter what anyone says, because I just know I will. When I think of the things that have yet to come for me, I can’t help but to know that I am one of the good ones. I am one of the survivors. I have never quit. I have never given up. I have never not learned and grown stronger from the hard situations in my life. And for ALL of the situations I found myself in, that I may have been lead to blinded by the big feelings I have in my heart, that did not end the way I had first imagined, to those people who came at me displaying all the ways in which they are broken inside, and the ones who were rotten, mean and cruel, maybe either pointing fingers, placing some blame, using for material things, whatever the situational crap may be… in the end, I ask myself…

Was the juice worth the squeeze?

And inside my beating heart & soul, I ALWAYS know the answer to that question!!

~ J. Lefever

Tryst Thought ~ No matter how this sounds, to anyone, I don’t care… I have love for many people in this world & in my life, but… I love me more. I must have my back, no matter what. No matter what.

Take care of you!! XoXo

(Ya feel me Angie?)

*****
imagesCAQLS4P9
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Evening Reflection on Trystღ (03/14/13)

Evening Reflection (03/14/13)

imagesCATGJ6NF

Check Please!!

 Hey there. How is my land of Tryst? What a day for me!! I feel like my spirit has been resurrected from the dead! What a long, cold, dead, grey & emotionally, mentally, spiritually & physically draining winter the Midwest has had! Phew ~ are we there yet? Are we there? It is over? Are the freakin birds chirping? Did that thing see his shadow.. or whatever? Spring time, yes Yes Please!! I think I can safely say, um, …………………We are ready! So, bring it mother nature!!

Enough of that. Yes. I am feeling like Jen again. My prayers have been answered. My wonderful friends, here & beyond, have been so kind as to hold my hand, and my heart, as I crawled through this last chapter of winter. I cannot thank you all enough! You are wonderful blessings who have special places inside my heart. ((You know who you are, 🙂 wink))

Today, in my wonderful rush of energy that just kept coming, caffeine not included, I caught myself popping off at the mouth, just a bit. Just a bit too much, actually. And by ‘popping-off’ I simply mean, my mouth kept going, and talking, when I needed to take a breath, hush up, and put myself in a little check. I needed to put my mouth in check!!

I am reminded by this, that, in the haste of certain situations in life, we can get caught up. Emotions get involved, and that’s when things can get out of control, sometimes even ugly. Tonight, I reflect on the thought that, time and patience are a virtue. Take moments to think things through before the words fall out of your mouth. I know that if my husband and I have a disagreement, sometimes in the haste of it, we may say something we don’t necessarily mean.

Sometimes it is better to take a step back, take a few breaths and think before you speak.

This is called putting yourself in check.

Check in with yourself. Ask yourself how you feel, how the situation makes you feel, and establish the right time and place to verbally throw things up, or keep things more inside.

Honestly, I think it’s important to ‘Check In’ with yourself quite often throughout the day. Because it sucks to act, re-act, or over-react to someone or something and then regret it later.

So check in with yourselves tonight… tomorrow… and see how much grounded you can find yourself, and all thanks to, well, yourself!!

Good night Tryst! Have a lovely evening! ~ Jen

Tryst Thought: It’s good to remember that you are not the only one going through the ‘pits’ and ‘peaks’ of life. Others around you are going through life as well. You never know what another is feeling, or experiencing, or recovering from. You never know. Just like they don’t know your stuff too. Be considerate of that. Be considerate of others. We are all in this together.. Life. Right?

Can I get the check please?

c4acc69053c2800b207cddb5b55d9b23

 

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Daily Reflection on Trystღ (03/02/13)

Daily Reflection (03/02/13)
b153a1800adf8d2a248768c1d1c7d2f1
Abandoning Your Spark
Hola! Bonjour! Ciao! It’s Saturday, indeed, and the day found me, up late, running around like a chicken without my head.. I must have forgotten to set my alarm this morning because I was dead asleep when my hubby woke me and said that I was late for work!! Sheesh.. Well, I made it in, late, but I made it to work. My whole week has been off. For real… I feel like I’ve been on another planet! Wishing I was in the South of Florida, or even better, in the South of France, on a beach in St. Tropez.. oh to dream… to dream…
Anyway, I have been so focused on this ‘Seasonal Dread’, seasonal depression, that has been affecting me greatly, I have forgotten all about the fantastic things that make me spark! You know, the things that are just unique to your character? I have completely abandoned my spark!! Oh No!!
Sometimes, when we get overwhelmed by something that seems to plague us more than usual, we can quite easily lose focus on other important things that we need to remember. Life is all about having a good balance. We can’t be all or nothing here!! That makes no sense!! Think about it: for the time we work, we need to rest, for the time we rest, we need to have fun, for the time we have fun, we need to eat and nourish our bodies, for the times when we are lazy, we need to also get up and exercise… See my point here?
Balance.
How can we stay balanced in our lives, so that we maintain a healthy life all together? I know, as is all advice, that it’s easier said than done. Right, so true!! But here I’ve been, stuck down in my hole, trying to figure out what my problem is, and decipher the secret codes to ‘Seasonal Dep, Whatever…’ Sad, my ass!! Yes I’m sad, it’s all I’ve been focusing on and feeding, is my freakin sadness!! I lost my positive spark that I carry around so proudly on my cheek!! I love my spark!! That spark is me!! Where did my happy-positive go? Where did I leave my lil spark..
Finding my spark was easy. I just asked for it, and POOF there it was..
Sometimes, recognition is all you need. Recognize the problem, and move towards fixing it.
Today, practice some balance!!
Feed your spark, not your sadness!!
And, have a great Saturday Tryst family.. ~ Jen
Tryst Thought: Life is pretty dull without your own personal sparkle!!
ac6f6e3624bc1b11399b5037070c109b
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

I Quite Literally Don’t Know ~ A Free Write on Tryst

imagesCADSC0TU

A Free Write ~

 As time passes on, I feel much better knowing that I keep moving forward. But then I think of how it has been said that history repeats itself. It’s kind of true… I mean, looking at the events of this world, society, people, leaders, mis-haps, movies, literature, war, religion, politics, cultural & world events, contests, performances, and so on… There is some repetitiveness in life as we know it. For the controversial subjects as war, religion and politics, I pass on getting deep into those at this moment. But for other things, as much as we say we learn, move forward, forgive, what not… As much as we say that we don’t repeat the same mistake twice, because we’ve learned from our past, how does history still have a way of repeating itself?

Once I fall, for whatever the reason may be, I learn, gather my new wisdom’s, get the fuck back up, and go on with m life. I say, well I’ll never do that again, and for most things, that is true. Where I seem to have some noticeable repetition is in the more sensitive matters, like matters of the heart. Is it that those are just harder to change? Harder to adjust to? Do matters of the heart, that are not good for us, or me I should say, seem to be such a difficult challenge and almost impossible for me to change? I’m speaking in reference to relationships. Relationships of love, with a significant other. I’m not talking about friendships. That’s another free write, I suppose…

I have a history of not-so-good relationships. Funny, because it’s not like I can say, oh how un-lucky am I for not getting a great relationship every single time. I can’t say that because relationships are not pre-determined for us and selected, and handed to us at the appropriate times in our lives. No. We choose the one’s we decide to be with, calling us a couple, making a life together. Now, there is another flip to this coin, I say we choose our loves, but it’s really our hearts that do the growing of the fondness. This is true, but whether good or bad, we are in control of our lives, with having free will and all, so we also have the choice to end something, if it is not in our best interests. In some ways, we do have the power to control and choose, but in others, we don’t.

Healing from a broken heart hurts. No matter how good or bad the relationship. The ‘end’ of something is always hard. Why? Because it means change. And change is new, different, uncomfortable, and if it is a chosen change, we adjust easier, but if it’s a forced change, the road back to life seems much more a unomfortable pain in the ass. In my history of not-so-good relationships, I’m not sure why I chose the way I did, and why I rationalized things in my mind the way I did, but I imagine that it all was meant for something, some big lesson, or understanding that I may or may not ever understand. Why do some of us learn by much harder, massively emotional, even traumatic lessons, and others, float through life, untouched by the darknesses hands, unharmed by loves twist of pain, unaffected by the broken side of damage… and yet, some of us, get a heavy helping of these kind of experiences and realities.

So many questions I do have, all the time too. I am full of words tonight. I really sat down to write some kind of funny, or passionate fiction, but a free write is what happened. Isn’t life so unpredictable? As for a free write, love? Really Jen? Something so lovely, something we want, desire and crave all the same, yet, that very thing we want also comes with so much pain, heartache and with lies and deceit, broken promises… We will map out our entire futures when we have a new and exciting love. Falling in love is so much fun. Never entertaining the idea, the what-if, the fact of reality that this may not be the one forever. No, in the beginning we never think that. We fall in love, or fall in love with the idea of falling in love. If that is the case, then it’s not really love that has fallen, it is love that is forced, and in my experience, that kind of love is very bad for the soul.

We want what we want when we want it. Yes, I said that right. Read that sentence twice if you need to. It’s true, huh? One of life’s many paradoxes is just that. We want to be in control of everything, but we also want to have given the control to someone else. We look at the bad and the negative when we are down instead of looking at the happy, sweet, positive. We get stuck on one thing, fester in it, and make a huge deal out of it, when it was really very small and insignificant to begin with. We talk ourselves into things, using the magnificent powers of our minds, we can trick and fool ourselves into believing things that are utterly and completely ridiculous. Why all the unneccessary torture?

In quick conclusion to my free write here, if I’m picking apart my heart, soul and mind tonight, trying to learn something, just one thing about myself here, it’s that I believe that I… love people so much… that it’s very hard… for me to… let someone go. Especially if they have been close to me in the way of sharing love, time and our lives. I’ve always been very good to my friends and lovers. Yet I have never chosen to be with someone who is similar to me in that aspect. They say to treat others the way you wish to be treated. I have practiced this, and I continue to practice this to this day… yet, (shaking my head) I have such a painful past in the love department. My fault, yes. Other fault, kind of… but I had the choice to leave, or change, at any point. Why I stick around? It’s hard for me to go on, with the belief that someone is just hurtful, for no other reason, that to hurt another. I’ve psychologically broken these situations down, and I have made peace with my understandings of why people do some of the things they do…

I have today, all of this wisdom from relationships past, and I use the imprints of these memories to live today.

Love is, so confusing.

Love is something that I’ve written about my whole life, and yet, I still don’t understand it very much.

Love also changes, as we change.

Something to think about…

J. Lefever

Tryst Thought: Like the electric river that runs through the canyon, I have thoughts that are alive, running through the world of my very own mind.

imagesCAI66SH9
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication