Daily Reflection on Tryst – Letting Go of Yesterday

Daily Reflection on Tryst

October 22, 2013

Letting Go of Yesterday …

18baaaa680f7febeb0ee9789c9daebcf

Today my thought is simple. I want to remind myself and others while I’m at it, that there is no point in fussing over the past. The past is over and there is nothing you can do about it. How much time have you wasted into fussing over this and that about your yesterday?

Of course I am mainly pointing this advice towards myself today … I have a current situation that has me … quite pissed actually, pissed about some things that happened about a year ago. About a year ago!?!?! How stupid is this then? There is nothing I can do to change these events, there is no amount of time I can spend trying to explain them, or justify them, or rationalize them in any way. The time has passed. The events took place. And I have since moved on from all of it.

These events have consequences though. Those consequences are what I am currently dealing with and thus explain my pissy, fussy, bitter attitude and my sense of regret.

I am reminded on a daily basis right now about my foolishness a year ago … the fact that I listened to my heart instead of my head a year ago … the fact that I majorly sacrificed my safely and well-being for the sake of another a year ago … the face that my life and my parent’s life will be highly affected if this ends badly because of this other person and my inability to remove myself from the situation a year ago … I a reminded on a daily basis that it get me nowhere, ever, loving another person MORE than I love myself!!! If I love another more than I love me, look how much shit I have to deal with … only because I made some serious sacrifices, and excuses for this person.

I am the fool who loved someone else more than I loved my own self and as a result … I am paying for it greatly right now.

But this is still all a pointless waste of my time! And everyone else’s whom I might bother with the banter and conversation about this shit. So, what can I do?

I can think about what I CAN do for my future and to move on with the best outcome and the best results for this situation and these events. Nope, I sure as hell can’t change the past but I can make a difference on what happens today and tomorrow.

So that is what I am doing. Stop with the bullshit fuss about what I wish I would have or have not done a year ago and get on with the best course of action to make my present and my future more pleasant … and make this past situation, end peacefully.

Phew … glad I got that off my chest!! I needed to vent a little!!! Of course, this matter is personal and so I am vague about the what-have-you’s … but that’s my business. I only wanted to reflect here on the pointlessness of fussing over things that have already happened. Put energy into today and tomorrow and you’ll be much better off!!!

Oh, and NEVER love someone else MORE than you love yourself. Period. Ever. Never do that. Because no one will ever love you or have your back as much as you do. People are NOT selfless like that. I learn the hard way when I act selfless towards someone (Someone in particular) That ‘sacrifice’ , whether they say it or not, would most likely never be returned. People are too selfish to put you before them. It makes me sad to think about this reality because it is honestly not how I am. I never feel good when I am acting selfish, so it is hard for me to wrap my head around this ‘loving yourself more’ but it is a powerful truth and wisdom.

I think I need to find a good balance between the two … being selfless still towards others, but still loving myself enough, if not a little more … plenty, or just right! 🙂

I hope you have a great day Tryst Family!! XO – Jen

42c19a9f286efd5e06e337274a173a32

 

*****

22729173088895154_UHVlYq93_f

  ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

Moving through the Night

I have been blessed with a wonderful soul. Alastair and I have been exchanging words for a few months now, and I have truly enjoyed getting to know this beautiful person. My warm-hearted friend and I have written a duet, it is his first poetic duet and I am honored to have shared this experience with him. Take some time to visit him as well by following this link to ALASTAIRS BLOG!!
 
A Poetic Duet
 
Written by Alastair and Think Speak Tryst
 
imagesCAHM0LDX
 
‘Moving through the Night’
 
I fear as the storm approaches
and night-time falls
I hear your voice from afar,
as to me it calls
 
Through the mist and the fog
I can see the light.
I envision your face, your help,
your warrior’s might
 
The more I approach you
The more I see
The more your hand stretches
Reaching out for me.
 
Remembering the moment
The very first time we spoke
Delicate you
Falling before me
 
In the night air
Down on bruised knees
I can see you
Beginning to bleed
 
I look in your face
Your eyes full of tears
I take your hand
Try to ease your fears
 
Come sit beside me
Under the stars in the sky
You have run far too long
And for many reasons why
 
Let go of the years
Let go of the pain
I will be with you
Tonight in the rain
 
As I give you these words
My promise to you
Darling sweet friend
May your strength pull you through
 
In the chaos of the storm
There is a sudden, soft break
Be calm, precious you
You are not your mistakes
 
Through the mist and the fog
Let us both find our light
Leaving the past far behind
As we travel through the night.
 
Written by Alastair & Jen
 
 
*****
 
imagesCAQLS4P9
 
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Verse

24e80474e1719f5c29f23f954a518c65
 
Verse
 
 
Inside of my words
 My lyrics tell of many things
 It’s a lesson that I’m preaching
 To myself that I am teaching
The verse of wisdom
Inside of my words
 
Inside of my words
There are many emotions
Countless times in my healing
Pain and joy in my feelings
My heart tells of many things
Inside of my words
 
 
Inside of my words
A million souls are marching
Proving that I’m strong
Somewhere my heart belongs
My soul stands proud to tell my glory
Inside of my words
 
Inside of my words
I hold the power of one
To my own self I save
I have been nothing but brave
My strength built up with time
Inside of my words
 
Inside of my words
I am connected to the world
Changing elements with eternal strength
Something unravels underneath
The light that shines inside of me
Inside of my words
 
Inside of my words
I am ice melting in the sun
Embracing the beauty in every day
Grateful for tomorrow I continue to pray
Forever learning as I go, listen to me
Inside of my words
 
Inside of my words
I only need this air
Taking with me my personal victories
Celebrating for all of my memories
I am a miracle upon this earth
In everything I say
Inside of my words
 
~J Lefever~
(05/02/13)
 
 
*****
imagesCAJZ4VYS
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 

Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/30/13)

Daily Reflection (04/30/13)

4e2b254cc4800c28d63e8be46035e2f1

 

You & Your Negativity

 

Hello Tryst Family!! How does the day find you? Wonderful & warm in the sunshine.. I hope!! Things have been very productive for me lately. It is only Tuesday and I am getting so much done this week! I love that feeling of great accomplishment when you know that you, and only you, are responsible for the great things that are happening in your life. It’s a good feeling for sure!!

 

As for the other side of things, well, the trial that is coming up for the person who took my brother from me has been pushed back another few months. There was actually a court appearance last week, but my mother didn’t feel it was important enough to call and tell me. Instead she took her daughter-in-law and her friends to this hearing, while I, her actual daughter and sister to the victim, sat at home, unaware that this event took place. My mother is really good at making me feel like I am not a part of this family. So, as the story continues to go, I have to figure out what is the best for me in my life. I am just too important to myself to not have my best interests at heart.

 

While the tears do fall for the unknown reasons why my mother shuts me out, there are parts of me that feel like I’ll never be enough. I have written on this before. But then I think about my life… my actual life… all the things I’ve done and all the things I am doing… and I realize that it is truly my mothers loss. She is missing out on a fun person in her life, because I am full of that stuff I call soulshine! I am also the spark of positivity that floats around my family… even after all the blah and tragedy. I still try to stay up-beat.

 

Someone said to me, “Your mother should be proud of you for the incredible changes you have made! Your life is completely different!” Maybe this is true… but I can’t force my mother to think things. I am just not that powerful. She thinks what she wants and honestly… she is the most negative piece in my life. I do not have that angry, negative and mean energy from anyone else. As a result, as sad as this makes me, I have to eliminate the negative piece from my life. I just don’t want anything to do with it.

 

Not to mention this gloomy, down in the dumps shit, she throws my past in my face every time I see her! And frankly, I do not live in my past anymore. Not any part of my yesterday is currently my today. I don’t need to defend myself either. I have my integrity at the end of the day, and with each rising sun, I know that I don’t deserve to be put through the emotional roller-coaster she sends me on every other month.

 

I don’t deserve it. I am better than that.

 

My reflection today is on negativity. When you are a negative person, everything in your life sucks. You are blinded from anything good, even when it is staring you in the face! You wake up angry or mad, and everything is just terrible. You certainly don’t like to see people happy and enjoying their lives because there you are, in your rain puddle, complaining about your life and everyone else. Of course, the negative people never hold themselves accountable for why they are always in a crummy mood. It is always someone elses fault. What someone else did or didn’t do. When really, they clearly don’t see that to the rest of the world, they aren’t fooling anyone but themselves. To the rest of the world, we can see that they project their crummy negativity on to others, especially their family and loved ones, when they really need to look in the mirror and realize that they are negative and crummy and it is all their fault. It is not the world around them.

 

It is obvious that a person is negative when they literally ‘fish’ for things to complain about when they should be practicing gratitude for the things they do have. What makes me even more sad and ashamed of people who act like this is when these people ‘preach’ about the exact things they are NOT doing… like being kind, compassionate, supportive, and forgiving… just to name a few… and yes, this directly relates to my situation.

 

(Shaking my head)

 

Life is too short to waste living like this. And if you find yourself alone, you might ask yourself why… if it really is everyone else that is the problem, then why is it YOU are the ONE ALONE? Maybe it’s time to start practicing what you preach, instead of being negative and crummy and pointing a finger.

 

I hope to spread positive things and messages in my life. I don’t walk with the negative because, truthfully, I can’t stand it. And while it makes me sad to have to realize that even my mother is one of those terribly negative elements in my life, I choose to eliminate it because I refuse to put up with the put downs. I just won’t do it anymore.

 

Have a great day Tryst Fam!! If you encounter a negative person… run the other direction!! XOXO

 

~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : As people, we suffer from addictions. Some are addicted to booze, others pills… some are addicted to sex, or shopping or gambling… but then there are some who are addicted to drama and pain. I believe that there are some people who just do not know how to live happy and enjoy their time. Instead, they spend their whole lives being miserable and making those who they are around miserable too.

 

I am so grateful that I have a heart and soul that is not hooked on drama and pain…

 

*****
 
4d094a1b8850773e99232aec76061b1c3
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

ღDaily Reflection on Trystღ (04/25/13)

Daily Reflection (04/25/13)

 40f7eadb22b90ad32713b5e1b3f3238f

So Damn Disappointed!!

 

 “If you don’t like something, change it.
If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.”

Mary Englebreit

 

There are so many things going on in my life right now. I am trying to balance everything, stay afloat, stay productive, and remain positive and healthy. These are all good things that we all need to maintain good/healthy lives. Well, things don’t always go as planned, or as expected. When we interact with other’s, or put expectations on others, whether or not those people follow through, can leave us satisfied, or diappointed.

That is why I preach and preach that it is so super important to always have your own back!! You can always count on yourself… yet… even we let ourselves down sometimes, right?

The feeling of being disappointed is not a good one. Depending on the situation, it can make us sad, frustrated, mad, or absolutely berserk or irate!! Last night, I felt some disappointment that make me berserk and irate!! And as I was sitting there, feeling all of these emotions that came in a terrential emotional mini-drama, sadness, rage, utterly hurt… I had to let myself feel these things and work my way through this shitty situation in a positive way with out causing more drama or havoc by making things worse by being just completely out of control.

So I did some thinking.

First, I let myself feel the disappointment. It’s ok to feel this. I checked in and acknowledged what I was feeling. It’s ok to feel this way. Just don’t dwell on it!! I told myself to go ahead and feel whatever I was feeling, but not get stuck on it… and then move on.

Then I focused on the big picture of the situation. Looking into the details of my ‘Shitty let down’. Perspective in really important… but this is where I tuned into some gratitude. What did I have, as opposed to the things I felt I missed? This is that positive thinking that can be tough at times, but no matter how let down you are, you need to remember that you still have things to be grateful for, and recognizing them will help pull your mind out of that dark place.

Next, I asked myself if there was anything I could change about the situation. Well, in most cases, when the damage is done, it is irreverseable… but there are still things you can do to move on, right? In my case, I couldn’t change what had happened. It was too late. It was already in the past. And we all know that we can’t change the past, we can’t go back there… so move the hell on!! I don’t live in the past. I live in the present. Is there anything I can do to prevent this from being a future disappointment, yes! There is.. now I am getting somewhere!!

Change the way you see things!! Like the quote above. It’s easy to wallow in self pity… but who wants to do that? I hate being in that place! No good comes of it! If you want to handle your disappointment in a positive way, change the way you think about it. Re-frame your mind on the whole situation… and figure out things you can do instead.

Hope. Believe that there is hope. Have some hope!! When facing disappointments, it’s so easy to be beaten down, to believe that situations are hopeless, and to give up the belief that things will eventually work out. No matter what you do, don’t let your let down bring you completely down. Keep reminding yourself to have hope and know that, despite the fresh pain of a new disappointment, you always have the ability to hope for good things coming your way in the future. Believe in yourself. Believe in hope.

I hope you all have a super great day Tryst Family!!

And remember, No matter you’re facing, no matter how hard it is, don’t forget that you are not alone.

Tryst Thought: Every day people face disappointments of all kinds — from a tiny missed opportunity to a life-altering letdown — and every day people overcome these difficulties and move forward with their lives. Initially it might seem difficult, but handling disappointments well is an essential part of living a positive life. If you want to live positively in the present moment, you must let go of life’s letdowns and focus on the good things in your life. Easy? Not always. Essential? Absolutely.

XoXo Jen

*****

1b99e5c27923ac01563a4e08fe3e31d9

 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mountain of Too Much

((If you are offended by the “F” word… please do not read this piece… because I use the “F” word, only once, in this poem))
 
adc218b690d341243a796f3bbc347052
 
Mountain of Too Much
 
Trickling down
The mountain of too much
Were pieces of me
Fallen into the river
Flowing down the
Sensitive stream
Losing my mind
To the chaos of the day
 
At the bottom
Staring up at my climb
I have a long way to go
On this mountain of too much
Facing fear
Confronting my pain
Fighting my past
Remaining sane
You find me
 
Making my way
Through the thickest part of the climb
I have tremendous victories
I save a real sense of pride
Here I go, reaching the next level
When suddenly I fall
I begin to unravel
Have I taken on
Something stronger than I
Am I a fool
For giving this a try
My soul can’t take this
On this mountain of too much
 
A view of the top
I’m beginning to see
The calm of the storm
Is becoming a reality
I have made it far
I have stood tall to my fears
I have handled my shit
For a handful of years
Yet something catches my eye
And I begin to lose my balance
Facing something new, how can I
Frustrated by time, I start to cry
I thought I was there
At the top of my destination
Now I’m falling down again
The enemy of my own creation
It was always me
I was fighting against
Climbing this mountain
Knuckles bleed on my fist
Will I ever climb to the top
Of my mountain of too much
Or is it just too overwhelming, so
I am royally fucked?
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/24/13)
 
*****
 
100184c5e88d0e028e7a645b7fdd5901
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Train

This is a short, poetic story about life. A life in change. A life in a pivotal moment. Life is kind of like ridding on a train. As we move forward, the world & scenery will change around us, as we are always in possession of the same soul. Although our souls stay with us where ever we go, it too grows, and learns, and feels, and experiences… 
 
So as we continue to live, how much does the world change? How much do you grow as a result of these external changes? Where is your train headed now? And from what has your life moved on from…?
 
This piece is a duet written by my darling Shruti & myself, Miss Tryst. We hope you enjoy… and take something from it, as we did writing it. Visit A Shade Of Pen to see more from my darling Shruti. I am truly grateful that my life has connected with hers
 
This is a work of fiction

 
462df87aede3d9e6fd51e384985edd662
 
The Train
 
Blinded by a blur
Of many shades of green
With my heart left open
Broken For all to see
Moving forward, not looking back
I am leaving the town
For my next chapter
I boarded the train
Leaving my tears on the street
Looking out beyond what my eyes can see
Something different, time to breathe
I have left happy times behind
I look back at those times
With longingness rooted in my eyes
I loved to be what I was
But, how long could I live in the past
So, bidding goodbye to all regrets
Here, I am walking ahead
I have hopes and yet I am scared
Will a new step take me to places I would love
Or will my soul remain locked in lanes of yesterday?
 
Crushed, like the
Velvet in the seats
I hold my regrets
This one last time
Perplexed by the reality
I am leaving behind
Forgiveness, oh, how I wish
Things could only be so easy
 
As the train pulls me forward
One by one, I release my memories
Looking out the window
I touch my finger tips to the cold glass window
With the blur of the world
Moving behind the palm of my hand
Back and forth in time I go
 
As the train lurches me forward
I try hopelessly to free myself from the shackles of yesterday
Tomorrow a new sun will rise
And with it, the endless nights would end
Unaware of what my future would be, I can’t help but smile
Because the thrill of a new ride
Was always enough to keep me alive
Finally, I have reached a new land
As I step down, I am amazed at the view
So many things are same… and yet they all feel so new
 
Looking ahead
Elements surrounding me
Laughing at my fear of yesterday
Embracing the fact that
I am here for a reason…
 
I am here for a reason…
Leaving you with things left, still
To the imagining mind.
 
Written by Shruti & Tryst
 
To see this piece on A Shade Of Pen, follow the link provided
 
*****
 
4d094a1b8850773e99232aec76061b1c
 
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 

Carnival

imagesCAAAJIF5
 
Carnival
 
The colors of the carnival
Danced in front of my eyes
Playing tricks
Magical tricks
Of the most wicked kind
 
Luring me into
The corners of the unknown
I take tiny steps
In fear of the moment
Questioning the intention of you
 
Life is a parade
Of my success & failures
On constant display
For all the world
To see… the parade of me
 
Or is it a stage show
With real words and moments
Acted out by me
Tears and music
All my sadness and joy
 
In this carnival
Of my life dancing before my eyes
My spark is momentarily gone
Busy with the pain I’ve been given
Distracted by the mistakes of my youth
 
Today I fell
Into the dirty water
I allowed myself to sink
To the bottom of nothing
Once again, I too feel like nothing
 
There are days
When I hate some things about life
Truth & realities
I question, Why
Reasons I hide
 
There are times
When I laugh at everything
All that I see
Is beautiful and kind
Reasons to be alive
 
And then the carnival
Comes back to town
With its tricks and shows of magic
Playing and toying with my mind
Making me live through
Moments not of my choice
Forcing my eyes to see things
So sad it steals my own voice
 
Who am I
But a heart given to you
You come along
With your poisons
And break me too
 
So much I
Would never have seen
If I never had you
In the carnival’s
Nightmarish-Dream
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/02/13)
 
*****
 imagesCAKJ9JNC
 
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 

Afternoon Reflection on Tryst (03/17/13)

Afternoon Reflection (03/17/13)

variety of empty wine bottles backlited

Green Beer and Parades

 Hey there!! Is the world out celebrating the festivities of St. Patrick’s Day? Have you been pinched for not wearing green? Such a funny holiday really… A glorified day for all the non-drinkers, the amateur boozers to hit the sauce all day and make total asses of themselves. We have a great time here in KC on St. Paddy’s Day. The city shuts down, well, parts of it, roads get blocked off, we have parades, rides, food, green beer, glitter, face painting and sparkly shamrocks everywhere. It is a day of eating and drinking and I… I didn’t have any part of it today. Nope. I’ve had my share of green-booze induced St. Paddy’s Day’s throughout the years. Enough to say, I’m perfectly happy staying at home for this one. My husband and I picked up the house, did some food shopping at the market and made it home for me to reflect & write while he watched sports and fell asleep on the couch. No hangovers for us today! I’m glad we are passed that.

(Or am I? Maybe the parade would have been fun… but dealing with the drunk fest down-town… I’m not so sure. I guess I really have grown up, huh?)

Back in the Day.

I’m thinking of things of my past today. Regret mostly. Do you ever regret things? I know that in the cosmic realm of things, they say, we wouldn’t be who we are today if we hadn’t taken our path. Of course, this is true. It’s kind of dumb wisdom, right? I mean, we are who we are today. We are going to be who we are no matter what… kind of non-wise piece of wisdom.

But, wisdom it is, none the less. Regrets are kind of waste of time. If you are sitting there, wishing you knew back then, what ya did now, I mean, how productive is that really? We can;t go back in the past. We can’t change anything. We can only control our future. So, where is this going…

If there is anything that we feel regret for, the only way to make that regret something positive is to allow it to shape our future.

Don’t regret the past. Be who you want to be right now. That’s the most productive & positive thing you can do for yourself.

I hope everyone had a safe & fun St. Patrick’s Day!! Get the desire for green beer and green glitter out of your systems because tomorrow is Monday, and life goes back to normal… (for all the amateur boozers)

🙂

~ Jen

Tryst Thought: If we put as much energy into our hope & desires as we do into our worries & regrets, think about all the shit we can get done!!

54676582945522011_GU1LPM6i_b

 

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

The River to You

image

The River to You

Electric light
Sprinkled by thousands
Underneath me
In the valley below
It has been a while since
My eyes have fallen
Upon this view
Makes me think of you…

We met on a river
Day was warm from the sun
Everything was new

To touch
To see
To feel

You
I remember you

In this moment
I hear the deep raspiness of
Your voice
Fallen, I may have said I was
But it was me
In another life & time
Was it me at all
Standing there with you
Was it even you who
Left those words running through
The electric river of my soul
To the memories I carry
Inside my heart & mind
To revisit & replay
In moments when I run somewhere
To hide
Tonight I ran
To the valley to see its view
A million sparkling lights
In my mind remembering you

~ J. Lefever ~
(03/01/13)

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication