Whispers … (Revisited)

This is something I wrote some time ago for my Soul to Shine space. Tryst is, and will always be, my main blog writing space with the most content and the deepest looks into my truths and my realities … but I created my little Soulshine space for the little pieces with a BIG meaning.

The history and story of what Soulshine is to me and how it came about in my life is something that I have not really shared in great detail. For those who know me, understand what Soulshine is just by knowing me and how my energy works. I am alive in my heart, I am alive in my spirit and everywhere I go, I am a giver and sharer of my Soulshine. I honestly can’t imagine being any other way … and why would I? This is who I am.

Sometimes fewer words have a much bigger impact. That is what you will find in Soul To Shine.

Here on Tryst, I write much more …

I cut and paste this little bit because it suddenly POPPED up in my notifications the other day, and as I said, I wrote it some time ago. This little notification brought me to this piece and I read through it.

This was a Free Write. And one of my favorite Free Writes. So I wanted to share it here … because, well, because I just did.

I hope it reaches someone … anyone … even just one single soul … and they enjoy reading the words as much as I did when writing them.

XoXo

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Whispers

…she is the moon, up in the sky… she becomes the stars, when you make her cry… her music sings painful melodic blues, telling of times when she had felt used… when you hear her whispering words in the air, listen closely to what you hear… she is telling you that the world can be cold, but you can still have love that is warm to hold… she will tell you that pain will make you stronger, by giving you wisdom to living longer… she will tell you to be aware of all of your time, because time is short and you can’t rewind… she will tell you that yesterday has come and gone, don’t live in the past, it’s a truthful song… she whispers that love is the ultimate gift, to have, to hold, to give, and to wish… so love with your heart, and let your soul shine on through, and never, ever, stop being true to you…

 …Jen Lefever

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  ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
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A Warriors Heart

As of recent, I began exchanging words with an incredible person and writer. Visit his blog space, JMC813, to see for yourself his brilliant way with words and ability to express even the deepest of emotion.
Life has a way of handing us very special gifts. Only if we are truly ‘awake’, do we realize when we are being given something, or someone, that is meant to connect with our lives and our souls. Sharing the experiences, lessons and wisdom’s in life is a virtue that we both give and receive. I am enjoying every minute spent and every word shared with this wonderful person. We connect in many similar ways, and our differences are what accents and compliments our Tryst! I have enjoyed writing this duet with him, as it is his first, and I hope that there are more to come … So here is the first piece ever written by us, by Jen & John of Tryst & JMC813.
Inside these words, deep with in each emotional expression … lies the depth of true events, those of massive impact, ending with the gain of strength and a conclusion of self accomplishment. I hope you enjoy …
A Poetic Duet written by JMC813 & Think. Speak. Tryst.
A Warriors Heart
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Scattered about like a million glittering stars
Are the misdirected pieces of what we were
Standing in a pool of my obvious redemption
Bleeding to know the answers, Yet I’m so unsure
A myriad of questions leave my thoughts unsettled
Frantic assessments hold my voice, I cannot speak
My mind it moves a thousand miles in seemingly a second
Do I really want to know? Is resolution what I truly seek?
In the warm light that is becoming day
I brush away the dirt of my darkened past
Mind is flooded with a million wandering war stories
Heartache, takes my breath, I begin to need you at last
At last and again, for this all feels so familiar
Past battles lost and won, my mind chases to remember
The times and places of our war-torn self realities
Scattered in ashes lost in time, memories burn like embers
I decide to walk, past the reality of what I once was
Knowing that I’ll carry my scars, until the last days of life
Cloaked in what has turned to great wisdom, contrary to common belief
Look into my heart, my eyes, inside my soul, I am finally free from  strife
The strides that push beyond the realm of cruelty self-imposed
Flaws shown boldly bring it home, this point not light to make
The parade of insecurities un shelved, knowledge given to find  direction
Souls are bared, and hearts are freed, for yours, mine, and others  sake
This is where I stand to speak, telling you of all my glories
Although it rains inside of my mind, I’m here today, I’ll never rewind
Glorious you, who came to be, take my wisdom, for all you see
For I am a warrior, peaceful at heart, I will continue to fight, till death do us part.
Written by JMC813 & Jen on Tryst
September 2013
For more of JMC’s brilliant vision FOLLOW this LINK to View one of my personal Favorites ‘Ode to a Sinner’
*****
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

The Victim & The Villain

I am going through my poetry and putting together my third manuscript. So, I am compiling all my pieces, reading through them, picking and choosing, and I came across this one. This is a piece that remains one of my favorites… most dear to the painful part of my soul… yesterdays news, but still ever so present in the choices I make… I wanted to share it again… just for fun…
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This is… my most beloved piece. This piece is meant to be read slowly, to get the emotion in each word I chose to tell this story. This is a short story, about me. It is written poetically. I am happy to share it, and hope it is enjoyed and understood by those who read it. This is also the title of a book that I am currently writing… one of my writing projects that is very dear to my heart. This is the story of the Victim and the Villain. ~ J
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The Victim & The Villain
I can tell you of days
When I was completely frozen
I can tell you of weeks that went by
And I didn’t even notice
I can tell you of mornings
I would wake up mad
Mad ’cause I was still breathing, still alive
…isn’t that sad?
I can tell you of a lady
Who was once alive in me
She was vibrant, and she smiled
She was what other’s wanted to be
But somehow, in her life, she became
Tragically sad
Things began to happen
Now, She’s a Victim to all things bad
A run of bad luck, for a decade, or so
But she was also the Villain of her story, you know
As much as she tried
To push the darkness away
The Villain within
Would not let her stray
The Villain was strong but
It needed it’s Victim down
And with all of the chaos
The Victim was stuck in her town
Further and further
Did her pure image go
But deep down inside
Her spirit would know
In a time and a place
She could rise up again
And put to rest
Her corruption, her sin
I can tell you of days
When I thought this impossible
I can tell you today
I have become remarkable
Only because
I can see inside
That I was the Victim.. and the Villain
In my very own mind
Playing the taunter
And being taunted by…
The miraculous strength of
Me, Myself, and I…
I can’t tell you who wins
The story of me
The Victim, the Villain, or the saviour to be…
But I am each one
Each integral part
That make up the Victim… and the Villain
Inside of my heart.
~~ J. Lefever ~~
(04/15/012)
*****
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

I am not your Puppet ~ Tryst Update

 
 
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I am not your puppet ~ Tryst Update
 
This evening is the end of a very long day. This evening wraps up a very long week. This week has been very very productive, I must say! I am sitting here, thinking about all that I got done this week, and I gotta pat myself on the back! Good job Jen! I was busy and organized and got all my responsibilities done! Good feeling to have, especially when you have a mountain of things in front of you… that I do… along with emotional roller-coasters, and psychological abuse from the fam… it is a lot to handle all at once!!
 
Sometimes there are personalities who are very strong. There are personalities who are very smart. The intelligent and the wise don’t always use their wisdom in the best of ways… sometimes, that wisdom is used to manipulate others. ((Note, a stupid person can’t really manipulate others… it takes a certain kind of mind, a certain level of intelligence to be able to do this)) ((Also note, most addicts do a lot of manipulating… addicts, contrast to popular stereo-type, can be very smart. So, we do have the knack, the ability, the mind power to manipulate others to get things, or to believe things, whatever))
 
I have done my share of this exercise. Manipulation. I am not proud of it. But because I have done it, because I have practiced it, because I have somewhat succeeded in it, because I have almost obtained a PhD in it… that means I can recognize when it is being done to me. Yep. I said it.
 
You know the saying, ‘You cannot bullshit a bullshitter’ ? It is common sense. You cannot fool a fool… you can’t manipulate a manipulator!! It just cannot be done!! Sure, you can try. Go on! Give it your best shot! But I guarantee that you will be caught, it won’t work, your little plan of trickery will not go through because you can’t pull one over on someone who knows how to do the very same thing.
 
I think I’ve made my point here…
 
What is my next point then…? It is obvious that I am going through some things… I mean, I have some ducks in a row… but they are not lined up in perfect unison, yet… I still have some hurdles and some work to do… but I still have a whole life in front of me. What about the ducks then? I have some good ducks and I have some ducks that may wander, or fall down, or go swimming in the pond when I didn’t say it was ok… ((HAHA, I have totally gotten off on this duck thing, but I have a point.. I promise))
 
What I’m trying to say, what I’ve said before, is that in life, nothing is ever fucking finished, perfect, happy ending… there is always going to be something you face, have to deal with, are working on, get forced into… whatever!! Some things are not your choice. Changes happen that you do not orchestrate. Those changes are fucking uncomfortable!! But, we have to deal with them.
 
Some of my ducks are crossed right now because I am not only grieving the loss of my brother, who was taken from my life last June, but since this tragedy took place, my family has just broken to pieces. As a result, I pretty much have been forgotten about. It’s almost as if Dave and I died at the same time. I could be invisible, and nothing would matter… this is a very painful reality for me right now.
 
I guess my evening ramblings here are to empty my mind of some things… Above, I say I’m not a puppet because I am the one who controls the things, the atmosphere, the people, and the activity in my life. I know that my family is hurting right now, with the loss of one of our four, but even though I am the sibling that is left, I am no one’s puppet. No one should be telling me what to do, or how to feel, or using manipulation to make me feel like my feelings are wrong. Not validating someone’s feelings is emotional abuse, and it is very painful, especially coming from a parent or a close loved one. The death of my brother is not an excuse I pull to write pieces or shed tears… it is the most painful thing I have ever felt inside of my heart. And sadly, what has come with it, is two parents who, don’t even know they are doing this but, ignore that I’m here, lash out, take their pain out on me, look at me like they are angry that I’m the one here… all kinds of shit that sucks… and then use manipulation to tell me that I am selfish for things, like when I get completely left out of important family events, things that are important enough for my mother to invite a friend… but not me, not her forgotten daughter… In their grief, they have abandon the one they have. Which I have been told by my therapist, is quite common. When a family, when two parents lose a child, sadly sometimes, they get so caught up in their sadness, they forget about the child that is still alive, or they over-compensate with someone else, like a daughter or son-in-law… never in a million did I think I would be in this place… never..
 
Distance.
 
I needed this rant tonight. I need the distance from this place. It is not good for me here. I don’t belong in this city. I will go one day… Yes, one day soon, I will go…
 
For now, I am still holding on…
 
J. Lefever
 

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication