Atmosphere

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With the wind

Whirling all around

I am reminded

How small I am

Just a tiny spec

On the surface of this world

Wondering around

Aimlessly

Searching for the same thing

As everyone else…

Breathing the atmosphere

The same air we all breathe

And with each tiny breath

I feel alive

Today, In a world

Where everything matters

Yet, nothing is as important

As

Being loved and happy

As we all walk around

Aimlessly

Like tiny specs

On the Surface

Of this world

***

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Tryst. 2016

The Silence of the Night

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In the Silence of the night… I see that storms don’t last forever ~
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The Silence of the night
Has me feeling free
Thinking of yesterday
And all the chaos you created
I wondered each & everyday
What parts I played in it all
Yet, once I removed you
The silence came…
The peace
The quiet
The stillness of happiness
The darkness was washed away
With the rain…
Suddenly you were gone
And all my suffering went with you
In the silence of the night
I saw my life
Alone
And it is beautiful
Anyone looking in…
Can see plain as day
The chaos was always you
And I get to walk away with my head held high
As I
Was just your excuse
So what is it now…
Because now we are apart
And my sky is full of light
And the darkness left with you
In the silence of the night
Im smiling in the quiet
Spaces I call home
And storms don’t last forever
I am happy alone

☆Tryst☆

Embracing The Day

Embracing The Day ~>
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The moments of my
Morning,
The beginning of my
Day…
Breathing in the
World,
Not a word
I need to say…
Blissfully taking in
The freshness all around
Sun peeking over
The sparkling dew
On the grass thats on the ground…
Thinking of my yesterday,
Of all that I’ve been through…
Wondering if you’re missing,
The things I miss of you…
The ups & downs we experience…
Constantly moving our hearts,
Are we still connected,
When we are miles apart…
The moments of my
Morning,
Remind me I am alive…
And all the things Im seeking,
Some things I left behind…
Even looking forward
Moving from day to day…
I will embrace this life
In every single way.

~ Think.Speak.Tryst.~

The Gift of Sight … & Other Mindless Ramblings

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The Gift of Sight … & Other Mindless Ramblings

Today I read a story …

I just read a blog post about a man who needs to get glasses for the first time in his life. I read it, it was a cute, little life story. Not HUGE, or pivotal in any way. Nor was it too sad or incredibly tragic. It was just, a simple event that has taken place in a mans life that is new and he will need to adjust to somewhat.

I posted in the comments about how it made me feel reading this. The writer probably could care less, but that’s ok. It’s interesting how writing a little piece about having to get glasses for the first time in life, when read by the many different souls & lives of others, and takes us all to such different places.

First it made me think how nice it would be to have ‘that’ to adjust to right now in life. I relate to this because I too have to go through this life adjustment, which is not a choice mf mine, it is a forced change. Some change is fun because we may choose the new thing in life. But then there are the other changes, the adjustments that we get, from life, in life and by life, that we have not chosen at all.

Mine is having to adjust to my brother being gone. See, my best friend, forever life companion since age 3 when he was born, my brother, my family, my only sibling, my blood, the ‘guy’ version of me was killed a year and a half ago. I am not adjusted … yet … don’t know if I ever will be. It’s the most confusing pain I have ever felt. And the life adjustment to not having a brother after having one my whole life, it is all I know, sucks. It’s so painful there are no words to describe.

I commented how nice it would be if I could ‘trade life lists’ with someone. I can’t say who cause I would NOT wish what I am feeling on anyone in the world … So really, I wouldn’t want to trade, but toss nice out and get someone elses, list, of things I have to adjust to cause life says so and I have no choice otherwise. Ah …

The other thing that this makes me think of is … because of my brother, who donated his ‘gifts’ when he was taken from us, someone who was blind can now see because he was given my brothers eyes.

I cried when I got the letter.

Somewhere in this world, someone is seeing through my little brothers eyes. It is a beautiful thing, a rare and precious gift to give and to be given, and It is also very sad and weird.

People get lost in their own lives so much that they are blind and ignorant to some of the people who may be ‘surviving’ right along with them.  I walk this world and I bump into people I know, and people forget that I have a hole in my heart, daily, that suffocates me. And people wonder what is wrong … Someone has my brothers eyes and someone else on this earth killed my brother and took him from me forever. My loss was someone else’s gain. For that I am grateful … but also sad for my loss … sad is an understatement … and I don’t care what people ‘think’ anymore.

I do hope that people appreciate their lives in simplicity.

Be grateful for having to adjust to wearing glasses.

Somewhere, someone just lost their eyes forever.

Somewhere, someone has to adjust to being blind, or cripple, or adjust to living their life suddenly without their dearly loved one.

This is NOT a message to anyone in particular either. I am only using the story I read, of the man who told about his life event of getting glasses, as the catalyst to what got me thinking of these other things. And how words are full of meaning … and so completely different depending on the person.

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January 2014

*Feeling very aware this evening.*

I have been so busy with work and life’s other things lately, that I have not written much on Tryst at all. I have not wanted to share too much these past 8 months. (Wow, that long) I am a free, light and loving soul who can’t just write and write about the one sadness that is plaguing me so terribly. Who cares about what I’m going through and I would not want to go back and read it again, so, yes … in my Tryst absence, I truly miss my care-free life I had when I still had my brother, but everything has changed. Everything has changed. I have changed. I am trying to get back to me … and people just do not understand … how hard it is … to wake up every day with this reality slapping you in the face and stabbing you in the heart.

Truth … it does feel good to write right now … regardless of how ridiculous or pointless or repetitive or redundant my words are … they are still mine and this is what I feel like saying right now.

***

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Hollow

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Hollow

An empty space

Lingers in its silence

A dark corner haunts

Places I try to avoid

People’s faces

Are blank and cold

Everything I knew

Has left my reality

Leaving behind

My hollow soul

-J. Lefever

(12/11/13)

***

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

The Blue Sky Above Me …

The Blue Sky Above Me …
Covered With My Thoughts
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I think about the sky
Enormous above me
I was it’s tiny spectacle
Looking up, in wonder
Like a child
Wondering how it is so big
And blue
As it covers me
Each day, through & through
I think about the clouds
That decorate my sky
Perfect and white and fluffy
Changing colors as the sun falls away
At the end of each day
Kissing the day goodbye
Leaving me
Wondering why
I think about the air
How the wind hugs my shoulders
It wraps itself around me
Reminding me
That I’m not alone
I am surrounded
By the elements
Of the world
I have known
I think about the summer
My favorite of all the seasons
When the heat of the day
Lasts all through the night
And I know that the stars
Shine bright after light
And I’m never cold
Even when I’m alone
Cause the summer is hot
When my soul is not
I smile at these thoughts
But then my smile fades away
When I think of the cold
The dead, grey winter months
That are headed my way
Cold to the bone
Chilling when I’m alone
Cause I’m alone all the time
In a city that’s not mine
A tear falls for the summer
It’s end came so quickly
I miss the hot days already
It will be months before I’m warm again
Hiding away, in the winter again
Counting the days of grey in the sky
Waiting for the world
To come back to life
~J. Lefever~
11/04/13
***
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Verse 101

Verse 101

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Fallen down
On to hard, concrete ground
Fallen through my hands
I am lost, far from found
Off in the distance
Here comes the rain
Inside of my mind
I feel the pain
Fallen down
The walls around me
Fallen through the cracks
I have tried, so hard
Time and time again
Here comes the rain
Inside of my mind
I feel the  pain
~J. Lefever~
11/04/13
***
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Many Nights, Oh How I Wish …

Many Nights, Oh How I Wish …
A Poem on Tryst
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The day that comes
When I can look into the eyes
Of my very own creation
Holding their tiny hand of life
I will remember the days
Before that very moment
The forever wishing
And Praying of words
That I would be given
A tiny part of me
Deep inside of me
There has always been
This strong urge to be
A giver of life
Waiting for the day
To have a family of my own
Oh how I dream and desire
Wishing upon many of stars
Many things
I know I will say
Lessons to teach
And reasons to give
Follow your dreams
Don’t sacrifice your heart
Give love everyday
Most of all to yourself
Be kind to the world
To all its living things
Treat others the same
Be accountable and don’t blame
Learn from falling
Be strong and get right back up
It’s ok to cry
But don’t forget to smile and laugh
So I bequeath to you
The wisdom’s that I know
So that you
Never fall into the puddles
That I tragically did
If this day ever comes
If I’m ever given this gift
If the universe finds me fit
To show another my way
And love them when they find theirs …
Oh how I wish
For another part of me
And of him, of course
I am tired of being selfish
I am ready to do for another
I am done with the nonsense
Of all the little things that just don’t matter
Oh how I wish
For another part of me
And of him, of course …
~J. Lefever~
10/24/13
*****
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Daily Reflection on Tryst – Letting Go of Yesterday

Daily Reflection on Tryst

October 22, 2013

Letting Go of Yesterday …

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Today my thought is simple. I want to remind myself and others while I’m at it, that there is no point in fussing over the past. The past is over and there is nothing you can do about it. How much time have you wasted into fussing over this and that about your yesterday?

Of course I am mainly pointing this advice towards myself today … I have a current situation that has me … quite pissed actually, pissed about some things that happened about a year ago. About a year ago!?!?! How stupid is this then? There is nothing I can do to change these events, there is no amount of time I can spend trying to explain them, or justify them, or rationalize them in any way. The time has passed. The events took place. And I have since moved on from all of it.

These events have consequences though. Those consequences are what I am currently dealing with and thus explain my pissy, fussy, bitter attitude and my sense of regret.

I am reminded on a daily basis right now about my foolishness a year ago … the fact that I listened to my heart instead of my head a year ago … the fact that I majorly sacrificed my safely and well-being for the sake of another a year ago … the face that my life and my parent’s life will be highly affected if this ends badly because of this other person and my inability to remove myself from the situation a year ago … I a reminded on a daily basis that it get me nowhere, ever, loving another person MORE than I love myself!!! If I love another more than I love me, look how much shit I have to deal with … only because I made some serious sacrifices, and excuses for this person.

I am the fool who loved someone else more than I loved my own self and as a result … I am paying for it greatly right now.

But this is still all a pointless waste of my time! And everyone else’s whom I might bother with the banter and conversation about this shit. So, what can I do?

I can think about what I CAN do for my future and to move on with the best outcome and the best results for this situation and these events. Nope, I sure as hell can’t change the past but I can make a difference on what happens today and tomorrow.

So that is what I am doing. Stop with the bullshit fuss about what I wish I would have or have not done a year ago and get on with the best course of action to make my present and my future more pleasant … and make this past situation, end peacefully.

Phew … glad I got that off my chest!! I needed to vent a little!!! Of course, this matter is personal and so I am vague about the what-have-you’s … but that’s my business. I only wanted to reflect here on the pointlessness of fussing over things that have already happened. Put energy into today and tomorrow and you’ll be much better off!!!

Oh, and NEVER love someone else MORE than you love yourself. Period. Ever. Never do that. Because no one will ever love you or have your back as much as you do. People are NOT selfless like that. I learn the hard way when I act selfless towards someone (Someone in particular) That ‘sacrifice’ , whether they say it or not, would most likely never be returned. People are too selfish to put you before them. It makes me sad to think about this reality because it is honestly not how I am. I never feel good when I am acting selfish, so it is hard for me to wrap my head around this ‘loving yourself more’ but it is a powerful truth and wisdom.

I think I need to find a good balance between the two … being selfless still towards others, but still loving myself enough, if not a little more … plenty, or just right! 🙂

I hope you have a great day Tryst Family!! XO – Jen

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*****

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  ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

Whispers … (Revisited)

This is something I wrote some time ago for my Soul to Shine space. Tryst is, and will always be, my main blog writing space with the most content and the deepest looks into my truths and my realities … but I created my little Soulshine space for the little pieces with a BIG meaning.

The history and story of what Soulshine is to me and how it came about in my life is something that I have not really shared in great detail. For those who know me, understand what Soulshine is just by knowing me and how my energy works. I am alive in my heart, I am alive in my spirit and everywhere I go, I am a giver and sharer of my Soulshine. I honestly can’t imagine being any other way … and why would I? This is who I am.

Sometimes fewer words have a much bigger impact. That is what you will find in Soul To Shine.

Here on Tryst, I write much more …

I cut and paste this little bit because it suddenly POPPED up in my notifications the other day, and as I said, I wrote it some time ago. This little notification brought me to this piece and I read through it.

This was a Free Write. And one of my favorite Free Writes. So I wanted to share it here … because, well, because I just did.

I hope it reaches someone … anyone … even just one single soul … and they enjoy reading the words as much as I did when writing them.

XoXo

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Whispers

…she is the moon, up in the sky… she becomes the stars, when you make her cry… her music sings painful melodic blues, telling of times when she had felt used… when you hear her whispering words in the air, listen closely to what you hear… she is telling you that the world can be cold, but you can still have love that is warm to hold… she will tell you that pain will make you stronger, by giving you wisdom to living longer… she will tell you to be aware of all of your time, because time is short and you can’t rewind… she will tell you that yesterday has come and gone, don’t live in the past, it’s a truthful song… she whispers that love is the ultimate gift, to have, to hold, to give, and to wish… so love with your heart, and let your soul shine on through, and never, ever, stop being true to you…

 …Jen Lefever

*****

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  ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication