The Wrong Pleasure

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The Wrong Pleasure
 
Drapped in the dark
I hide from you
Mimicking my sorrow
Do my feelings
Penetrate you
Inside I am burning
I have so much I need to say
But I am exhausted from the task
Of pleasing you each day
 
Don’t you see
That my smile is fake
It hasn’t been sincere
For many moons we’ve seen
There is a reason
I keep on going
My heart loves
It keeps on showing
But my emotion is wrong
Don’t watch my loathing
 
Forgive me while I ponder
Something doesn’t quite measure
I’m being poisoned by
The wrong kind of pleasure
I have taken it in
Absorbed it into my heart
Fighting this catalyst
As my world falls apart
 
I sense your wicked charm
You really never fooled me
Feeding me a lifetime of harm
Did you think I couldn’t see
Trying to trick me
By your false devotion
Tasting on my lips
Your lethal potion
 
In a moment
I will waste no more time
I will break this curse
And take what is mine
I never fit the part
Of the cruelish girl indeed
I won’t fake my smile again
Find a new soul to bleed
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/24/13)
 
This is dark.. but real… read between the lines.. I am delivering a very powerful message here…
 
*****
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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Carnival

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Carnival
 
The colors of the carnival
Danced in front of my eyes
Playing tricks
Magical tricks
Of the most wicked kind
 
Luring me into
The corners of the unknown
I take tiny steps
In fear of the moment
Questioning the intention of you
 
Life is a parade
Of my success & failures
On constant display
For all the world
To see… the parade of me
 
Or is it a stage show
With real words and moments
Acted out by me
Tears and music
All my sadness and joy
 
In this carnival
Of my life dancing before my eyes
My spark is momentarily gone
Busy with the pain I’ve been given
Distracted by the mistakes of my youth
 
Today I fell
Into the dirty water
I allowed myself to sink
To the bottom of nothing
Once again, I too feel like nothing
 
There are days
When I hate some things about life
Truth & realities
I question, Why
Reasons I hide
 
There are times
When I laugh at everything
All that I see
Is beautiful and kind
Reasons to be alive
 
And then the carnival
Comes back to town
With its tricks and shows of magic
Playing and toying with my mind
Making me live through
Moments not of my choice
Forcing my eyes to see things
So sad it steals my own voice
 
Who am I
But a heart given to you
You come along
With your poisons
And break me too
 
So much I
Would never have seen
If I never had you
In the carnival’s
Nightmarish-Dream
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/02/13)
 
*****
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 

Yesterday’s Shadow

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Yesterday’s Fear

Uninvited

But you came anyway

Maybe at one point, I

May have welcomed you

Maybe I was suffering from a

Momentary lack of reason

Maybe I made excuses

Whatever they were

I did my best to make the best

Out of you

Time was at a standstill

As you sucked the life out of my soul

Deceit was in every word

In every smile, in every night

I portrayed contentment with you

You poisoned me

You made me sick inside

The temple of my soul showed

Fatigue and sadness

You are the plague that came to

Destroy anything good that you found

I was your fortress

Tame & unguarded

You made me uncomfortable

Inside the walls of my very own home

Home, such a thing of vision

Such an imaginary place

I think I once knew

Long before the villain came

Imprisoning me

Suffocating my soul

Torturing my energy

Drowning my light

Burning me senseless

Here I am

Finally free from all that

Sickening madness

Some I allowed

Most I was unable to overpower

Yet, I still think I won

When the villain left

The chains on my heart broke away

I came to the surface of the water

The burns were cooled with rain

The torture just a thought

Although the memories remain

Tucked deep, down in the basement

Of my mind

They are only imprints

Of a time when I was

Unable to see

The shinning of my own soul

The light inside my own eyes

The personal power I already had

The beautiful identity I possessed inside

I don’t really know the reason I ran

To something so dark

And destructive

But whatever I thought I was lacking

And seeking to find in another

Was only the mistake of my

Youthful mind

Telling me I needed to belong

Somewhere different

I clearly didn’t belong

My youthful mind made the mistake

That I needed to create

An identity

That I was not enough

All on my own

And in that seeking

I searched for my very own

Spirit, a strength from within

Years passed

I now walk down the street

Away from the time

When I stood

Face to face

With my own enemy

And in the end

The final conclusion

Mistakes were just lessons

Fear had strengthened me

I had won

Needing nothing else

Just my very own mind

I got my soul back

And I get to be me

~ J. Lefever ~

(03/22/13)

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Slither

 
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Slither
 
Like a snake in the garden
You are unwanted
Slithering through the green
Around you, like
You belong
Something holds me back from
Telling you so,
Fear
Oh I’m sure
Afraid of your poisonous bite
Poison seeping through its victims
Veins, crawling and killing
Until all that is left is
Its weak abandon
Shell of a girl I once was
You have taken everything
From me
Left me weak & alone
Many nights, tears fall in sadness
Wonder as to why
I was the victim of your
Own demise
As you came to me
Your poison came to
There was no escaping
Your reality
Like the snake that you are
Poisoning my delicate soul
Only to make me like you
But, listen
My heart will never be like you
My heart will never be black and blue
I am the sun that takes over the cloudy day
Eventually my light will
Be too bright for you
And just like you came
You will slither away
As empty as you arrived
Seeking someone to suffocate
 
~ J. Lefever ~
Written sometime in March…
 
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication