Daily Reflection (05/08/13)
Life has brought us to the middle of the week again… and I am praying for Friday! Although I am having a decent week, within myself, that doesn’t mean the outside world and influences have been in sync with my joyful-happiness… yes… I said joyful-happiness because that’s my shit this week! I pretty much refuse to roll any other way.
Ah, so… Emotional Neroticism. This is something that plagues a lot of people who are going through the stages of grief. It can also plague those who suffer in any other way. From what, specifically? You name it! Emotions don’t discriminate! Being neurotic, you are kind of all over the place, a little self-centered in your own emotional issues, over-anxious and have a severe case of anxiety, hence, neroticism. Add ‘Emotional’ to the beginning of that, and you are a walking basket-case.
Ok. Listen. I am defining this term, because I kind of relate to it… maybe, kinda-sorta, a little bit.. HUH? What? Yea, so I own up to it. But what do I expect. This last year has been one hell of a bad year, and instead of moving forward with me, I have a family that is stuck on drama, trying’ to drag me down. It is stressful, hard to handle and a lot for one single girl in recovery.
With my attitude being on the high this week, meaning good, not under the influence… (very important NOT to confuse what I’m saying!!) I am paying ZERO attention to this ‘Emotional-baggage’ that any one who is close to me, feels like dumping on my lap or in my yard.
Um, that’s pretty much it.
If you want to run an emotional train on someone, don’t call me this week!!
I am taking time for myself, time away from the extra crap, and centering my chi … as much as my chi needs!!
I hope you all had a great day ~ Of course, I wish you all nothing but the very best!!
XOXO ~ Jen
Tryst Thought : There really never has been a time in my life where I’ve ever been boring, or dull… or ordinary, for that matter… I wonder, will there ever be a time when things start to settle down a little?
I am embracing change BIG time right now… And I feel one coming… I am ready for the next step…
Silent is the Night
Silent is the night
As the stars watch me sin
A lonely soul, I wonder
My journey I begin
Elements of the world
Laughing all around me
Wondering why I fear them
Doubting what they see
Inside, I fight the answers
The truth can make me cry
Burns run so deep inside
Why am I alive?
I fight to find my joy
My inner peace and pride
Somethings still hurt so bad
You see me run and hide…
Written in April 2013
Daily Reflection (04/23/13)
What is Your Normal?
Tuesday, late morning. At work, like any other normal day… yet, my life is far from normal. By that, I mean that things for me right now are a little nuts. There are some stressful situations that I am dealing with, and I can honestly say, I am not doing a very god job. At least, my husband tells me this. It seems there is always something that I should be doing differently, differently as in the way he handles things. I am constantly getting told that I handle my shit wrong, and he handles his shit right. If I went through life, reacting and thinking like him, then I wouldn’t have anything wrong… so he says. He says, his attitude and demeanor is always decent and correct and he just has a really great attitude about everything.
That all sounds really good…. but just because those are the words that fell out of his mouth, do nt make them true. What is he? A saint?
I’ll give him some credit though… he does coast through with a good attitude and demeanor some of the time… but not ALL of the time. Just last week, oh never mind. I can’t get into it. All I’m trying to get out here, vent, is that no one is perfect and handles their shit the right way ALL the time. No one is perfect. No one has all the answers. No one goes through life and never makes mistakes. And no one is normal.
This morning was unpleasant. I have things that I have to deal with, every single day, that I have been ‘putting-up’ with for so long now, praying for a change, anything, and here I find myself… the foolish woman still dealing with these things, and by chosing to have them in my life, it has taken a real toll on my happiness and joy. It is my fault for not removing those things. I hold myself accountable for that. But I can tell you, I am sick and fucking tired of defending where the stress is coming from. I think I’m sick and tired of defending myself period! When is enough enough? I am at the edge here. I have, in the last two years, been through more shit than ever in my entire life. Just in the last two years. What element either changed, or came to, my life in that time to tell me what the problem is…? Tell me I’m pointing a finger. I’m not. But there are outside influences that can make a person’s life a living hell, when I think about the time before these last two years… NONE of this stuff was going on. So, what am I to do? Keep fighting? Keep defending myself? Keep explaining?
I realize that this is putting things both blunt and a little vague at the same time. Is that even possible? I really am just beside myself here today. I think the light inside of me is barely holding on. What is the point? Are things past the point of no return? Where is the love anyway? I am told everyday that I question a certain someone’s love for me, but I think that person needs to realize the reasons that happens… there is always a reason… you don’t question one’s love when one loves you truly and purely everyday… there is always a reason…
I hope the day find everyone well. Thanks for allowing me to vent a little, and analyze too. (I am desperate for some answers here and getting nowhere which has rendered me really frustrated…)
Remember that your normal is not anthers normal. We are all built, and raised, differently. Just because something fits for you, doesn’t mean it fit’s for everyone else. Just because words come out, doesn’t make them true.
Don’t let another tell you that you are living your life wrong, or handling your stress, or pain, wrong. No one has the right to say that their way of handling things is the right way! I mean, come on… are you for real? What makes you the one who has all the answers to life? And where do you get these answers anyway… ‘Convenient theories for you Weekly’ ?
I am pretty fed-up these days…
Tryst Thought: I have never really liked the word ‘normal’. I mean, what is normal anyway? What is normal to me may not be normal to another… I say ‘may-not’ but it is definitely not!! Just the way I grew up compared to the way, say my husband, grew up was completely different! My childhood was nothing like his, but it was normal to me.. as his was to him. So, I really don’t like the word ‘normal’.
It has been days since my last reflection… I don’t like that… And I don’t like the fact that this one is so negative. It may be negative, but the message here is for internal pride and strength. Please remember that!!
The Devil’s Room
There is nothing to say about now
I am in the dark again
My body shakes
I am afraid
I swore I would never
Visit the devil again
But I did
And now he won’t let me go
With his cold hands on my wrists
A strength of which
I am too weak to pull away
So I cry as he holds me in his presence
Far far away
For anyone alive to hear my cries
I am silenced by defeat
It is here, I will die
Comfort and warmth
Are a long, distant memory
Foreign to my current surroundings
Will I ever be home?
I belong to the world
But I’m tired of wandering
Years I have searched
I am ready to belong somewhere
Inside of the Devil’s room
Walls dripping with my fear
Echos of my past are screaming
Lyrics of which berate me deeply
My own sins brought me here
Weak along the way
My mission so completely unclear
Pride was stripped my his cold, dead grasp
The death of my spirit
Has yet to visit me
I fight to keep it away
I am surviving on my hopeful emotion
Trembling with angry energy
I break away from the Devils force
Pounding on the structure that entraps me
I stand to show I refuse to be taken
Written on a day unknown
This is an older piece I wrote some years ago…
I found it in my journals… scribbled in pencil on the pages of my yesterday
I thought I’d share it to show the deep effects that addiction had on my spirit
Like being trapped, held down by a strength much stronger than me… With hope almost impossible to find… but… somewhere inside of me, the refusal to give up.
I refuse to be taken down
A constant reminder
Of a past that
Is no longer mine
Are the only negative
Holding me back
Are the past that
Is my detour off track
My future has no likeness
Of what I’m leaving behind
Except being with you
You try to make me rewind
Why are you even here
Your motive is to enable me
You steal my happiness
You don’t see my success
I thought things would be different
But you haven’t learned a thing
You tear me down each time
You don’t let me be me
The tragedy is
I still seek your approval and pride
Make me feel like I should run and hide
I am worthy of happiness
I am good enough to be loved everyday
I do not need to keep defending myself
I am wonderful no matter what you say
Tryst Truth – Tragically, the ones we love the most, are the ones who hurt us the most. It is common for some people, even as adults, to seek the approval of our parents. (Statistically speaking, I read that 1 in every 10 people deals with issues regarding their parents, either emotional damage, or approval seeking… I also read that the numbers may be greater than that but there are a lot of people who don’t admit to these things, or pretend like they don’t exist) Just to hear the words, “I am proud of you” has become such a clutch for me, personally. I feel like it will never happen for me… no matter what I do. A persons actions will tell you their level of investment in your life. With that said, it is very clear that I am only fooling myself… I am a forgiving, hopeful fool… Who is only fooling herself to believe things will ever be different…
As it breaks my heart to say these things… it is my reality… it is my life. There are things that I do not get in life. As long as I’m struggling, seeking the pride & approval of two people who in 31 years has never given me any kind of real, positive encouragement… I will never be truly happy. I am happy with myself today, so I need to stop believing that I need anyone’s approval to be happy… except my own.