A Warriors Heart

Posted by jenlefever on September 24, 2013

As of recent, I began exchanging words with an incredible person and writer. Visit his blog space, JMC813, to see for yourself his brilliant way with words and ability to express even the deepest of emotion.

Life has a way of handing us very special gifts. Only if we are truly ‘awake’, do we realize when we are being given something, or someone, that is meant to connect with our lives and our souls. Sharing the experiences, lessons and wisdom’s in life is a virtue that we both give and receive. I am enjoying every minute spent and every word shared with this wonderful person. We connect in many similar ways, and our differences are what accents and compliments our Tryst! I have enjoyed writing this duet with him, as it is his first, and I hope that there are more to come … So here is the first piece ever written by us, by Jen & John of Tryst & JMC813.

Inside these words, deep with in each emotional expression … lies the depth of true events, those of massive impact, ending with the gain of strength and a conclusion of self accomplishment. I hope you enjoy …

A Poetic Duet written by JMC813 & Think. Speak. Tryst.

A Warriors Heart

Scattered about like a million glittering stars

Are the misdirected pieces of what we were

Standing in a pool of my obvious redemption

Bleeding to know the answers, Yet I’m so unsure

A myriad of questions leave my thoughts unsettled

Frantic assessments hold my voice, I cannot speak

My mind it moves a thousand miles in seemingly a second

Do I really want to know? Is resolution what I truly seek?

In the warm light that is becoming day

I brush away the dirt of my darkened past

Mind is flooded with a million wandering war stories

Heartache, takes my breath, I begin to need you at last

At last and again, for this all feels so familiar

Past battles lost and won, my mind chases to remember

The times and places of our war-torn self realities

Scattered in ashes lost in time, memories burn like embers

I decide to walk, past the reality of what I once was

Knowing that I’ll carry my scars, until the last days of life

Cloaked in what has turned to great wisdom, contrary to common belief

Look into my heart, my eyes, inside my soul, I am finally free from strife

The strides that push beyond the realm of cruelty self-imposed

Flaws shown boldly bring it home, this point not light to make

The parade of insecurities un shelved, knowledge given to find direction

Souls are bared, and hearts are freed, for yours, mine, and others sake

This is where I stand to speak, telling you of all my glories

Although it rains inside of my mind, I’m here today, I’ll never rewind

Glorious you, who came to be, take my wisdom, for all you see

For I am a warrior, peaceful at heart, I will continue to fight, till death do us part.

Written by JMC813 & Jen on Tryst

September 2013

For more of JMC’s brilliant vision FOLLOW this LINK to View one of my personal Favorites ‘Ode to a Sinner’

*****

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/08/13)

Posted by jenlefever on May 8, 2013

Daily Reflection (05/08/13)

Emotional Neroticism

Life has brought us to the middle of the week again… and I am praying for Friday! Although I am having a decent week, within myself, that doesn’t mean the outside world and influences have been in sync with my joyful-happiness… yes… I said joyful-happiness because that’s my shit this week! I pretty much refuse to roll any other way.

Ah, so… Emotional Neroticism. This is something that plagues a lot of people who are going through the stages of grief. It can also plague those who suffer in any other way. From what, specifically? You name it! Emotions don’t discriminate! Being neurotic, you are kind of all over the place, a little self-centered in your own emotional issues, over-anxious and have a severe case of anxiety, hence, neroticism. Add ‘Emotional’ to the beginning of that, and you are a walking basket-case.

Ok. Listen. I am defining this term, because I kind of relate to it… maybe, kinda-sorta, a little bit.. HUH? What? Yea, so I own up to it. But what do I expect. This last year has been one hell of a bad year, and instead of moving forward with me, I have a family that is stuck on drama, trying’ to drag me down. It is stressful, hard to handle and a lot for one single girl in recovery.

With my attitude being on the high this week, meaning good, not under the influence… (very important NOT to confuse what I’m saying!!) I am paying ZERO attention to this ‘Emotional-baggage’ that any one who is close to me, feels like dumping on my lap or in my yard.

Um, that’s pretty much it.

If you want to run an emotional train on someone, don’t call me this week!!

I am taking time for myself, time away from the extra crap, and centering my chi … as much as my chi needs!!

I hope you all had a great day ~ Of course, I wish you all nothing but the very best!!

XOXO ~ Jen

Tryst Thought : There really never has been a time in my life where I’ve ever been boring, or dull… or ordinary, for that matter… I wonder, will there ever be a time when things start to settle down a little?

I am embracing change BIG time right now… And I feel one coming… I am ready for the next step…

*****

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Verse

Posted by jenlefever on May 2, 2013

Verse

Inside of my words

My lyrics tell of many things

It’s a lesson that I’m preaching

To myself that I am teaching

The verse of wisdom

Inside of my words

There are many emotions

Countless times in my healing

Pain and joy in my feelings

My heart tells of many things

Inside of my words

A million souls are marching

Proving that I’m strong

Somewhere my heart belongs

My soul stands proud to tell my glory

Inside of my words

I hold the power of one

To my own self I save

I have been nothing but brave

My strength built up with time

Inside of my words

I am connected to the world

Changing elements with eternal strength

Something unravels underneath

The light that shines inside of me

Inside of my words

I am ice melting in the sun

Embracing the beauty in every day

Grateful for tomorrow I continue to pray

Forever learning as I go, listen to me

Inside of my words

I only need this air

Taking with me my personal victories

Celebrating for all of my memories

I am a miracle upon this earth

In everything I say

Inside of my words

~J Lefever~

(05/02/13)

*****

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

♥

Silent is the Night

Posted by jenlefever on April 24, 2013

Silent is the Night

Silent is the night

As the stars watch me sin

A lonely soul, I wonder

My journey I begin

Elements of the world

Laughing all around me

Wondering why I fear them

Doubting what they see

Inside, I fight the answers

The truth can make me cry

Burns run so deep inside

Why am I alive?

I fight to find my joy

My inner peace and pride

Somethings still hurt so bad

You see me run and hide…

~J. Lefever~

Written in April 2013

*****

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/23/13)

Posted by jenlefever on April 23, 2013

Daily Reflection (04/23/13)

What is Your Normal?

Tuesday, late morning. At work, like any other normal day… yet, my life is far from normal. By that, I mean that things for me right now are a little nuts. There are some stressful situations that I am dealing with, and I can honestly say, I am not doing a very god job. At least, my husband tells me this. It seems there is always something that I should be doing differently, differently as in the way he handles things. I am constantly getting told that I handle my shit wrong, and he handles his shit right. If I went through life, reacting and thinking like him, then I wouldn’t have anything wrong… so he says. He says, his attitude and demeanor is always decent and correct and he just has a really great attitude about everything.

That all sounds really good…. but just because those are the words that fell out of his mouth, do nt make them true. What is he? A saint?

I’ll give him some credit though… he does coast through with a good attitude and demeanor some of the time… but not ALL of the time. Just last week, oh never mind. I can’t get into it. All I’m trying to get out here, vent, is that no one is perfect and handles their shit the right way ALL the time. No one is perfect. No one has all the answers. No one goes through life and never makes mistakes. And no one is normal.

This morning was unpleasant. I have things that I have to deal with, every single day, that I have been ‘putting-up’ with for so long now, praying for a change, anything, and here I find myself… the foolish woman still dealing with these things, and by chosing to have them in my life, it has taken a real toll on my happiness and joy. It is my fault for not removing those things. I hold myself accountable for that. But I can tell you, I am sick and fucking tired of defending where the stress is coming from. I think I’m sick and tired of defending myself period! When is enough enough? I am at the edge here. I have, in the last two years, been through more shit than ever in my entire life. Just in the last two years. What element either changed, or came to, my life in that time to tell me what the problem is…? Tell me I’m pointing a finger. I’m not. But there are outside influences that can make a person’s life a living hell, when I think about the time before these last two years… NONE of this stuff was going on. So, what am I to do? Keep fighting? Keep defending myself? Keep explaining?

I realize that this is putting things both blunt and a little vague at the same time. Is that even possible? I really am just beside myself here today. I think the light inside of me is barely holding on. What is the point? Are things past the point of no return? Where is the love anyway? I am told everyday that I question a certain someone’s love for me, but I think that person needs to realize the reasons that happens… there is always a reason… you don’t question one’s love when one loves you truly and purely everyday… there is always a reason…

I hope the day find everyone well. Thanks for allowing me to vent a little, and analyze too. (I am desperate for some answers here and getting nowhere which has rendered me really frustrated…)

Remember that your normal is not anthers normal. We are all built, and raised, differently. Just because something fits for you, doesn’t mean it fit’s for everyone else. Just because words come out, doesn’t make them true.

Don’t let another tell you that you are living your life wrong, or handling your stress, or pain, wrong. No one has the right to say that their way of handling things is the right way! I mean, come on… are you for real? What makes you the one who has all the answers to life? And where do you get these answers anyway… ‘Convenient theories for you Weekly’ ?

I am pretty fed-up these days…

~Jen

Tryst Thought: I have never really liked the word ‘normal’. I mean, what is normal anyway? What is normal to me may not be normal to another… I say ‘may-not’ but it is definitely not!! Just the way I grew up compared to the way, say my husband, grew up was completely different! My childhood was nothing like his, but it was normal to me.. as his was to him. So, I really don’t like the word ‘normal’.

It has been days since my last reflection… I don’t like that… And I don’t like the fact that this one is so negative. It may be negative, but the message here is for internal pride and strength. Please remember that!!

*****

♥

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

The Devil’s Room

Posted by jenlefever on April 22, 2013

The Devil’s Room

There is nothing to say about now

I am in the dark again

My body shakes

I am afraid

I swore I would never

Visit the devil again

But I did

And now he won’t let me go

With his cold hands on my wrists

A strength of which

I am too weak to pull away

So I cry as he holds me in his presence

Far far away

For anyone alive to hear my cries

I am silenced by defeat

It is here, I will die

Comfort and warmth

Are a long, distant memory

Foreign to my current surroundings

Will I ever be home?

I belong to the world

But I’m tired of wandering

Years I have searched

I am ready to belong somewhere

Inside of the Devil’s room

Walls dripping with my fear

Echos of my past are screaming

Lyrics of which berate me deeply

My own sins brought me here

Weak along the way

My mission so completely unclear

Pride was stripped my his cold, dead grasp

The death of my spirit

Has yet to visit me

I fight to keep it away

I am surviving on my hopeful emotion

Trembling with angry energy

I break away from the Devils force

Pounding on the structure that entraps me

I stand to show I refuse to be taken

~J. Lefever~

Written on a day unknown

This is an older piece I wrote some years ago…

I found it in my journals… scribbled in pencil on the pages of my yesterday

I thought I’d share it to show the deep effects that addiction had on my spirit

Like being trapped, held down by a strength much stronger than me… With hope almost impossible to find… but… somewhere inside of me, the refusal to give up.

*****

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Rewind

Posted by jenlefever on April 21, 2013

Rewind

Defeat

I refuse to be taken down

A constant reminder

Of a past that

Is no longer mine

You

Are the only negative

Holding me back

You

Are the past that

Is my detour off track

My future has no likeness

Of what I’m leaving behind

Except being with you

You try to make me rewind

Why are you even here

Your motive is to enable me

To fall

You steal my happiness

You don’t see my success

At all

I thought things would be different

But you haven’t learned a thing

You tear me down each time

You don’t let me be me

The tragedy is

I still seek your approval and pride

Sadly, you

Make me feel like I should run and hide

I am worthy of happiness

I am good enough to be loved everyday

I do not need to keep defending myself

I am wonderful no matter what you say

~J. Lefever~

(04/21/13)

*****

Tryst Truth – Tragically, the ones we love the most, are the ones who hurt us the most. It is common for some people, even as adults, to seek the approval of our parents. (Statistically speaking, I read that 1 in every 10 people deals with issues regarding their parents, either emotional damage, or approval seeking… I also read that the numbers may be greater than that but there are a lot of people who don’t admit to these things, or pretend like they don’t exist) Just to hear the words, “I am proud of you” has become such a clutch for me, personally. I feel like it will never happen for me… no matter what I do. A persons actions will tell you their level of investment in your life. With that said, it is very clear that I am only fooling myself… I am a forgiving, hopeful fool… Who is only fooling herself to believe things will ever be different…

As it breaks my heart to say these things… it is my reality… it is my life. There are things that I do not get in life. As long as I’m struggling, seeking the pride & approval of two people who in 31 years has never given me any kind of real, positive encouragement… I will never be truly happy. I am happy with myself today, so I need to stop believing that I need anyone’s approval to be happy… except my own.

*****