Last Night Emotions

Last Nights Emotions
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Through the thickest part
Of the trees
You could see light
Peeking through
Reaching out to touch you
I remember the air
That day, it was so thick
Heavy like the weight on my heart
Echos of the night
I am running from today
Don’t seem to want to leave
Me alone
I sit & I pray
I feel like I’m suffocating
Stuck, standing still
In the city
It has its grasp on me
Tight, like I’m in shackles
Will I ever get out of here
Will I ever reach the sea
To see a new dawn
The tangerine horizon
Sunsets more beautiful than
My midwest mind can imagine
This city here
Drowns its people
I’ve seen it many times
I pray to not be a victim
But to run when the chance arrives
To the place my spirit belongs
I cannot spread my wings here
Trapped, confined, consumed
In a city that is not my home
I don’t belong here
So why am I held back
In the arms of the unwanted
My emotions scream these truths
Yet silent, I cry
I don’t belong here
I need to fly
~ J. Lefever ~
(03/27/13)
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Finding Solitude

This is a Poetic Duet written by Hastywords & Think. Speak. Tryst.

Always a pleasure exchanging words with Miss Hasty, who truly is a part of my heart. We have a sweet gift of being able to connect on a really deep level… We also believe that there is a possibility that we were separated at birth!

To me, this piece represents a spirit that needs to be free. It’s a piece about not wanting to be tied down in one place for too long. Obviously, I relate because it is the kind of spirit I have. One that looses its fire when it’s been trapped, imprisoned in the city, told it has nowhere to go and that everything I need is here…Well, I beg to differ.

I often write about how different we all are. So why do some think that what makes them happy, also makes everyone else happy? That is just ignorance. My happiness is different from others, this I know! Just because some people may be fine living their lives in one place, and never being free to see other wonderous places of this wonderful earth, that is certainly not my happiness. My spirit needs to go… My spirit needs to be free… That is who I am… Everyday, this place sucks more light out of me… You can see it in my eyes, if you look, my spark is gone….

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Finding Solitude

 

Sand feels like velvet

Smooth & white underneath me

Imprinting my body’s curves

On the canvas of the Earth

 

The beach absorbing me

Taking me as I am

Pulling me into its gravity

As I inhale the sky above me

 

I brought my soul here

To sit in the salty air

Only for a day, to

Be free of my life entirely

 

My bare figure basking in rays

As seabirds cry me a song

The crashing waves a symphony

As my worries get washed away

 

Imagining my life was never mine at all

I absorb the earth’s elements

Becoming one with my surroundings

The sea has been calling to me

 

I lay here for days, nobody sees me

Praying mother earth will dissolve me

I implore the heavens above

To demand the surf to take me

 

Take me and wash away my mind

Worries and pain are gone with the sea

Becoming one with the land, the beach & the sand

I find solitude in my wishes today

  

Written by Miss Hasty & Miss Tryst

This is the second piece Hasty Girl & I have written on solitude…

 

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Self Inflicted Lock-Up ~ Tryst Journal

Self Inflicted Lock-Up
 
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A Free Write ~ Tryst Journal
 
Life.
 
We spend our whole lives, trying to figure out the meaning to life. Waking up, each day, putting one step in front of the other, constantly moving forward. Each moment, consciously aware that we are alive. What is my purpose? What is the meaning of my existence? Why am I here? Where am I going?
 
Questions like this circulate constantly in my mind, every single day. When I was younger, I was very conscious of these wonderings, these thoughts, but my mind was still very young. My mind was very unexperienced to the ways of the world. I was trying to grow, and fit in, not only to the world and its social elements, but also trying to fit into my mind… my spirit. What did my spirit want? What felt right? What brought me happiness, or sadness? Also, at that young age, I was thinking about growing up, and what I wanted to, and could do, to be an adult. How was I going to take care of myself.
 
It’s such a paradox, that we want so badly to grow up and have the freedoms of an adult. Then, when we reach adulthood, we do what we need to do to survive, but in the process, every year that passes by, the questions still remain, very much alive and unanswered… what is the meaning of my life? Who am I really? What am I supposed to do?
 
I find myself in moments of unhappiness. I know I feel the unhappiness. I know what I want to make me happy. So, why am I even fighting it? If I know the answer to something, where is the action towards obtaining it?
 
Hope.
 
I lose hope because what I want is not something that I can just go out and get. I can’t buy it in one second and begin enjoying it the next minute. Things aren’t always obtainable like that. Things aren’t always in arms reach.
 
I think that when I feel the most defeated and render myself stuck, in life, at a standstill, pondering the sadness, the unsatisfactory, picking apart the continuing questions, I get a real sense of hopelessness. I feel overwhelmed. I am standing there, looking at the whole picture, saying I want this and this and that, and I have none of that at all right now. I find myself saying that I’ll never get there, or be able to have all those things.
 
Beginning.
 
Starting at square one is a start. But it is a step that must be taken. Like growing up. Growing up doesn’t happen in one day. It is a process, a gradual, day by day, sequence of time that we never get a break from. Time never stops. So, when I feel like I’m standing at a wall, going nowhere, the whole world is still going on and moving around me. So why, how even, am I so stuck?
 
My life doesn’t get to stop while everyone else keeps going. Yet, there are ways to paralyze yourself. There are ways that I have stopped my life. And when I define these moments, it’s what I call a waste of time.
 
Wasting time is when I find myself, moving, but not moving forward. This is my genre of depression. The depression that I have invited into my life is just this: the feelings of overwhelming doubt put me into a conscious state of living paralysis. I somehow, lock myself up behind self-inflicted bars that aren’t really there. I cry feeling the sadness of being stuck, but I am feeling this way because I have allowed my life to invite this reality. I allowed it. I have a choice not to be stuck.
 
So, why am I so stuck?
 
J. Lefever
 
This free write was written in the space of the last few days… or so… just some babble, I thought I’d post in my Tryst Journal…
 
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 

The City

The City

A Piece from the Inside

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Tryin’ to walk on water

Becoming that much stronger

The streets are destroying my mind…

Visions of bad wishes,

Is all that I find…

 

Take my hand

I will set you free

So the blackness says to me

 

Shaken in the bridge that I stand upon

Fear is the reality that I run from

Ghetto metropolis, I ask in need

Like the stranger on the bus, who

Has nothing to eat

Stand with your hand out and see

If the city feeds you

 

City has nothing for me

 

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(02/22/12)

 

I haven’t written a piece for the Heroin Journals in a while.

This piece is not something I wrote today, however, but it is one of my favorites.

I wrote this from the inside. About a year ago…

 

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Moment of Choice

 

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Moment of Choice

 

The day you decide

The moment you make the choice

You put into action

And you suddenly have a voice

 See I was not

Taken seriously

I did not represent

The real me

I could say this

And I could say that

But nothing was tangible

While I was on smack

So, once I chose

To sing a different song

Is when my voice

Finally felt it belong

I want the ‘Me’ back

I want to make shit mine

I have survived it all

I have even served some time

I was so blind

To the fact I had a choice

It took the loss of everything

For me to find my own voice

 

~~ J. Lefever ~~

(03/28/12)

Divided.

 

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Divided

 

All of us stand divided

Yet we stand as one

Hope to walk united

At war until it’s done

Many of us have fire

We are strapped & armed with steel

Our strength takes us higher

But to be true, now that shit is real

 

– J Lefever

(Incarcerated in 2012)

Laced with Faith

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Laced with Faith

 

And in a moment

My heart felt content

My eyes were open

My past I repent

I can face it now

With arms open wide

Facing my fears

I no longer hide

I went through my past

Not believing in you

I thought I was alone

But I had you too

I feel your presence

Building strength in my mistakes

And now I’m a spirit

That is laced with faith

Incredible you

How you have shown me

I’ve never been alone

And I’ve always been free

 

~ J. Lefever

(05/28/12)

 I wrote this piece and was inspired to write more on faith.

I sat down and wrote Fallen From Grace

I read ‘Fallen’ to some of the others on the inside with me. ‘Fallen from

Grace’ was one of my most requested pieces to read.

Serving Life in My Mind

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I thought I was dead

And forgotten and blind

A shadow in the world

Lost in my own mind

I’d carry about

I’d push on through

I thought I was cleaver

And that no one knew

That I was broken

I was numb inside

I was dying a prisoner

Of my own wicked mind

How and when did I

Become like this

Memories of a life

Of me that I miss

Only to stop looking

In the mirror

Reflection of all

That I now see clearer

A vision of me

Not lost anymore

A vision outside

My wicked mind’s door

I’m always and forever serving life in my mind

But pure and strong I will never rewind.

 

~ J. Lefever

(04/14/12)

Free For The Moment

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It’s as blue as you can imagine

If you close your eyes and think of the sea…

The sky that is…

I stand alone at a window

Looking through bars of steel

I almost feel alive,

Almost real…

I think of all of them

Running from their own shadows

Inside the prison of their very own lives…

And in a prison I sit

But I’m so free for the moment.

Finally I can think,

And the words start to flow,

Like the busy of the traffic on that far off road…

And I am free at last,

Tossed my sins to the depths

of the deepest sea,

I got a reason today…

To be me…

At a window, behind bars,

Yet I’m still free…

 

~ J. Lefever

04/08/12

Breaking the Chains

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When I found myself stripped of all my possessions, my freedom, even my identity, it was a very humbling experience. In a nut-shell, I have had a very good life. I have had a very fortunate life, extra-ordinary some might say. But I am also a recovering addict. My addiction finally got the best of me and brought me to my ‘rock-bottom’, as they say, in a quick six to eight months. Yes, I somehow was a functioning addict for about a decade where I worked, graduated college, travelled, was featured as an extra in three films, studied dance & Ballet, yoga and snowboarding, as well as writing for mostly my whole life. I had all of these things going on in life, I was actually alive, and living my life, seeking out new things, yet, all the while my addiction visited me on the side. My addiction was never my number one priority, until a combination of divorce/trauma/opiates entered my life all at the same time. Before this equation my life was also legally undisturbed.

When I was a functioning addict, I hated the fact that I had this ‘dual’ lifestyle. During the day, when I was working, or out with friends, or in class at the University of Utah, or doing things that I love/enjoy doing, I was a normal citizen just like everyone else. On my college campus, I went to class, drank cappuccino and pounded away on my laptop in the student center or cafe. On the outside, I was just fine. But with the ‘duel’ lifestyle comes the darkness that we face, feel and fear on the inside. And in that darkness, is where my addiction has lived for many many years. In all my years of studying and learning about the disease of addiction, I can comfortably say that all addicts have this darkness, whether it’s a little bit or a whole lot, darkness comes with addiction. The darkness is the part that I didn’t want anyone to see. It was my weakness. My inability to have self-control. It was my inner critic, my inner bully and my inner enemy. It was the other side of the ‘happy-functioning-woman’ that was me in the light of day, it was my dark-soul’s sadness that fought this addiction, that hated myself for having the addiction, that hated the addiction, but in the same day, would turn around and feed that addiction. I hated this part of me…

In the midst of my downward spiral, the darkness in my soul took over me. It became more of me than any sort of light that I had left. And in this time and space, I was a prisoner of my own mind. When things got really bad and I reached a point where I stole to support my habit, after the loss of my job, I was so blinded by this darkness that I had lost all sense of hope and of happiness. Those things were a figment of my imagination. I felt completely helpless and I had no idea how to pull myself back up, out of this dark place. I had no clue where I was ever going to find the strength to be me again. After about six months of living this way, I felt like I had completely forgotten who I was. I had lost myself in the dark abyss of addiction.

As a result of my actions and very bad choices, I woke up in prison. I was given a short sentence, compared to some, but it felt like an eternity to me… someone who has always been free to do what I want. There I was. Stripped of my identity, I had nothing left. I had nowhere to go. It was in those moments when I found my clarity, my strength, I began to find myself again. Instead of making excuses, I told the truth. And in those truths, the freedom came. I began to break the chains that I had carelessly placed on my soul, the chains that kept me down in the dark for so long, the chains that were heavy and painful, the chains that I hated. I began, inside of that prison, to feel free again for the first time in almost a year… a very long and painful year… the year that was the conclusion to the divorce/trauma, any of the reasons that I used to justify why I was feeding an addiction that I hated, and killing myself each and every day.

imagesCAVFA3CM …why was I giving all my strength to something in which I wanted to be free from?

Inside those walls, behind the gates and barb-wire fences, I began to give my strength to myself. I was cleansing myself of the toxins and the poisons in which I carelessly put in, and I was healing. You could see my eyes again, they were clear and bright. My soul was waking up after a long time being lost in the darkness.

imagesCA1I708Q Forgiveness starts from within…

I guess my point here is this, even in the most terrible of circumstances, like losing everything and rendering yourself in prison, you can still find things to be grateful for. Like me, I was grateful for another chance, an opportunity to ‘correct’ myself. A place to find myself again and start back on the path that I once was on… Living my life. I was humbled more than I can try to explain. I learned the meaning of self-love again, and I felt the concequences of not loving my own soul. I understood the meaning of having nothing. This was one of the greatest lessons I learned, among many others. Forgiveness had to take place in order for me to ‘feel free’ inside that place. Forgiveness was the key ingredient in breaking the chains on my soul. Today is the first day of the rest of my life… let’s see where it will take me…

That’s all for now…

~ Jen