Daily Reflection on Tryst
October 22, 2013
Letting Go of Yesterday …
Today my thought is simple. I want to remind myself and others while I’m at it, that there is no point in fussing over the past. The past is over and there is nothing you can do about it. How much time have you wasted into fussing over this and that about your yesterday?
Of course I am mainly pointing this advice towards myself today … I have a current situation that has me … quite pissed actually, pissed about some things that happened about a year ago. About a year ago!?!?! How stupid is this then? There is nothing I can do to change these events, there is no amount of time I can spend trying to explain them, or justify them, or rationalize them in any way. The time has passed. The events took place. And I have since moved on from all of it.
These events have consequences though. Those consequences are what I am currently dealing with and thus explain my pissy, fussy, bitter attitude and my sense of regret.
I am reminded on a daily basis right now about my foolishness a year ago … the fact that I listened to my heart instead of my head a year ago … the fact that I majorly sacrificed my safely and well-being for the sake of another a year ago … the face that my life and my parent’s life will be highly affected if this ends badly because of this other person and my inability to remove myself from the situation a year ago … I a reminded on a daily basis that it get me nowhere, ever, loving another person MORE than I love myself!!! If I love another more than I love me, look how much shit I have to deal with … only because I made some serious sacrifices, and excuses for this person.
I am the fool who loved someone else more than I loved my own self and as a result … I am paying for it greatly right now.
But this is still all a pointless waste of my time! And everyone else’s whom I might bother with the banter and conversation about this shit. So, what can I do?
I can think about what I CAN do for my future and to move on with the best outcome and the best results for this situation and these events. Nope, I sure as hell can’t change the past but I can make a difference on what happens today and tomorrow.
So that is what I am doing. Stop with the bullshit fuss about what I wish I would have or have not done a year ago and get on with the best course of action to make my present and my future more pleasant … and make this past situation, end peacefully.
Phew … glad I got that off my chest!! I needed to vent a little!!! Of course, this matter is personal and so I am vague about the what-have-you’s … but that’s my business. I only wanted to reflect here on the pointlessness of fussing over things that have already happened. Put energy into today and tomorrow and you’ll be much better off!!!
Oh, and NEVER love someone else MORE than you love yourself. Period. Ever. Never do that. Because no one will ever love you or have your back as much as you do. People are NOT selfless like that. I learn the hard way when I act selfless towards someone (Someone in particular) That ‘sacrifice’ , whether they say it or not, would most likely never be returned. People are too selfish to put you before them. It makes me sad to think about this reality because it is honestly not how I am. I never feel good when I am acting selfish, so it is hard for me to wrap my head around this ‘loving yourself more’ but it is a powerful truth and wisdom.
I think I need to find a good balance between the two … being selfless still towards others, but still loving myself enough, if not a little more … plenty, or just right! 🙂
I hope you have a great day Tryst Family!! XO – Jen
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
This is something I wrote some time ago for my Soul to Shine space. Tryst is, and will always be, my main blog writing space with the most content and the deepest looks into my truths and my realities … but I created my little Soulshine space for the little pieces with a BIG meaning.
The history and story of what Soulshine is to me and how it came about in my life is something that I have not really shared in great detail. For those who know me, understand what Soulshine is just by knowing me and how my energy works. I am alive in my heart, I am alive in my spirit and everywhere I go, I am a giver and sharer of my Soulshine. I honestly can’t imagine being any other way … and why would I? This is who I am.
Sometimes fewer words have a much bigger impact. That is what you will find in Soul To Shine.
Here on Tryst, I write much more …
I cut and paste this little bit because it suddenly POPPED up in my notifications the other day, and as I said, I wrote it some time ago. This little notification brought me to this piece and I read through it.
This was a Free Write. And one of my favorite Free Writes. So I wanted to share it here … because, well, because I just did.
I hope it reaches someone … anyone … even just one single soul … and they enjoy reading the words as much as I did when writing them.
…she is the moon, up in the sky… she becomes the stars, when you make her cry… her music sings painful melodic blues, telling of times when she had felt used… when you hear her whispering words in the air, listen closely to what you hear… she is telling you that the world can be cold, but you can still have love that is warm to hold… she will tell you that pain will make you stronger, by giving you wisdom to living longer… she will tell you to be aware of all of your time, because time is short and you can’t rewind… she will tell you that yesterday has come and gone, don’t live in the past, it’s a truthful song… she whispers that love is the ultimate gift, to have, to hold, to give, and to wish… so love with your heart, and let your soul shine on through, and never, ever, stop being true to you…
*** Tryst Free Write ***
Sitting, waiting and watching … patiently … is Karma.
People may not ever realize that Karma is watching, or that it is even real … but it is.
Karma has much more patience than we can even imagine. That is why when we are stumbling around, down here on earth, waiting for someone’s Karma to show up, or even our own, and we can’t understand why it is taking so long.
Well, Karma, I have learned, waits for the perfect moment. A moment that we can’t see coming, a moment that we are totally unaware of, a moment that we can’t even anticipate. There are all reasons for Karma, and why it exists, and how it works … Karma is the link to our inner most judge and jury, that of which knows us better than we know ourselves. Karma always knows when we have lied, cheated, stolen, hurt out of vengeance, acted out of pride, hidden out of gluttony and lied out of lust … yes, there are many things that we do as people, and there are many things we think we keep to ourselves, things that we think no one knows … but even if that is so, even if we were extremely careful, and did not get caught, even if we were able to keep something we have done a complete secret from anyone and everyone, except ourselves, even if this is so, we can never keep secrets from Karma (And of our God, as we understand him) … I believe that those 2 things, those 2 infinite beings, those 2 incredibly powerful entities always know what is in our hearts, minds and souls. Karma and our power of a higher being always know if we have good intent, if we are really trying, when we are really hurting, when and if we are right or wrong, if we are treating others well & kind, if we are treating ourselves well & kind, if our intent is good and for the better, if we have really changed our ways for the better, if we are real or not, if our actions match up to our lives and if our lives match up to our thoughts and if our thoughts match up to our inner most wants, needs and desires … they know, us better than we can even imagine, they know what we are doing, what we deserve and where we are going …
I get lost thinking of these things … a lot lately.
I think of these things as I go through this murder trial … praying for justice for the life of my brother, and yet, all the while knowing that none of it really matters. I won’t ever see my brother again. So, none of it really matters.
But Karma, Karma watches … waits … and as much as I want Karma to come down and get to work on the person who killed Dave, I know that I have a long time to wait for Karma to show up on this matter. I know that Karma will. I believe that you can’t possibly take a life, a life that wasn’t even threatening another, take it and just walk away, unaffected by it, with no life consequences upon your own … this cannot be the way it works in the world. Not under this sky, not under the power of higher being who watches us and protects us … this cannot be. So, I believe that Karma will show up, quite some time from now, in its usual fashion, at a time and place beyond my understanding, to pay its dues …
Impatient me waits … for patient Karma Police … to show up and teach someone a lesson … even though I know that, no matter what, Karma will never hurt this person as much as this person has hurt me and my family … Karma doesn’t work that way …
Karma teaches us in other ways …
Has Karma ever taught you?
Has Karma ever given you pain to feel?
Have you learned to change your ways because of the things that Karma has shown you?
In the break of the morning
A pause in the moment
My mind gathers its thoughts
And I realize my reality
I have come so far
From the deepest depths of despair
To the brightest shooting stars
Soul shinning with every step I take
Yes, this is all true
I can finally say I’ve done something
I can finally say that I am alive again
Living my life, through and through
I think of the battles
Of all the mountains I had to climb
Yesterday was to tougher than most
But I made it, I actually survived
I stand in my kitchen
Pouring coffee and making toast
The simplest of routine tasks
Render me quite grateful indeed
When you find yourself lost
Inside of your dark troubles
You forget to be thankful
For the little things most people take for granted
But miraculous me
Gives thanks for those things
For my battles and victories
For my life and for me…
~ J Lefever ~
Daily Reflection (05/13/13)
Not Getting A Goodbye
As I move through the stages of grief, I go through many emotional ups & downs. I have been through things in my life that were very hard, some tragic, some self-inflicted, others were influenced by others, things that left deep scars, lies and betrayal, death, but no one as close as my own brother. I have never felt these kinds of emotions, or this level of pain, ever.
In my mind, I go over & over the events of the day my brother was killed. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? What was he doing? Where was he going? And then things about the actual event that took his life… what happened? How can this have even been a real event… it this really real? It is a mental circus… a mental torture in which I can’t even begin to put into words.
Me being such an analytical person, always wanting and needing to know the answers to everything in this world, the ‘not-knowing’ drives me crazy. It drives me crazy and it makes me very angry and it makes me cry and it makes me scream for my brother… All of this, emotion, pours out of me and I’m not the only one. My mother, who has a death certificate for her son. My father, who had to bury his baby boy. We are all changed. We are all broken. We are all damaged. We all have a hole in our hearts. Our lives will never be complete.
Even when we experience moments of joy and happiness… there will always be something, our someone, that is missing…
In my thinking this weekend, I came across the thought that… one of the hardest parts about this is, not getting to say goodbye. Losing my brother the way that I did, was, unceremonial. One minute of the day, and he was just… gone. There was nothing I could do, no where I could go, completely helpless…
I hate that I didn’t get to say goodbye…
I didn’t get to tell him I love him…
I didn’t get to tell him any of the million things I have yet to say…
I wasn’t finished…
I wasn’t done making memories with my brother…
My life with him was just over, in one second, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye…
If you have a sibling, I cannot stress the importance of telling them you love them, every single time you speak. No matter what… tell them you love them…
Have a great day Tryst.
XOXO ~ Jen’
Tryst Thought : Everywhere I go, I carry him with me. But it’s not the same. It is not ever going to be the same…