Daily Reflection on Tryst – Letting Go of Yesterday

Daily Reflection on Tryst

October 22, 2013

Letting Go of Yesterday …

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Today my thought is simple. I want to remind myself and others while I’m at it, that there is no point in fussing over the past. The past is over and there is nothing you can do about it. How much time have you wasted into fussing over this and that about your yesterday?

Of course I am mainly pointing this advice towards myself today … I have a current situation that has me … quite pissed actually, pissed about some things that happened about a year ago. About a year ago!?!?! How stupid is this then? There is nothing I can do to change these events, there is no amount of time I can spend trying to explain them, or justify them, or rationalize them in any way. The time has passed. The events took place. And I have since moved on from all of it.

These events have consequences though. Those consequences are what I am currently dealing with and thus explain my pissy, fussy, bitter attitude and my sense of regret.

I am reminded on a daily basis right now about my foolishness a year ago … the fact that I listened to my heart instead of my head a year ago … the fact that I majorly sacrificed my safely and well-being for the sake of another a year ago … the face that my life and my parent’s life will be highly affected if this ends badly because of this other person and my inability to remove myself from the situation a year ago … I a reminded on a daily basis that it get me nowhere, ever, loving another person MORE than I love myself!!! If I love another more than I love me, look how much shit I have to deal with … only because I made some serious sacrifices, and excuses for this person.

I am the fool who loved someone else more than I loved my own self and as a result … I am paying for it greatly right now.

But this is still all a pointless waste of my time! And everyone else’s whom I might bother with the banter and conversation about this shit. So, what can I do?

I can think about what I CAN do for my future and to move on with the best outcome and the best results for this situation and these events. Nope, I sure as hell can’t change the past but I can make a difference on what happens today and tomorrow.

So that is what I am doing. Stop with the bullshit fuss about what I wish I would have or have not done a year ago and get on with the best course of action to make my present and my future more pleasant … and make this past situation, end peacefully.

Phew … glad I got that off my chest!! I needed to vent a little!!! Of course, this matter is personal and so I am vague about the what-have-you’s … but that’s my business. I only wanted to reflect here on the pointlessness of fussing over things that have already happened. Put energy into today and tomorrow and you’ll be much better off!!!

Oh, and NEVER love someone else MORE than you love yourself. Period. Ever. Never do that. Because no one will ever love you or have your back as much as you do. People are NOT selfless like that. I learn the hard way when I act selfless towards someone (Someone in particular) That ‘sacrifice’ , whether they say it or not, would most likely never be returned. People are too selfish to put you before them. It makes me sad to think about this reality because it is honestly not how I am. I never feel good when I am acting selfish, so it is hard for me to wrap my head around this ‘loving yourself more’ but it is a powerful truth and wisdom.

I think I need to find a good balance between the two … being selfless still towards others, but still loving myself enough, if not a little more … plenty, or just right! 🙂

I hope you have a great day Tryst Family!! XO – Jen

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Evening Reflection on Tryst (05/01/13)

Evening Reflection (05/01/13)

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Karma Points

In life… things are not easy. We do not know all the answers. We do not always make the right choices. We screw up, we succeed. We win, we lose. We smile, we frown… we laugh, we cry. Yes, we do all of these things… and so much more!! Our emotions allow us to feel, our minds allow us to think and make choices.

 

Just because we make a mistake, doesn’t always mean the outcome of that mistake is something we didn’t care about. I say this because… in my life, I have made mistakes without even thinking of the outcome!!Sounds silly, I know… but this actually happens a lot. Especially to those people who are really ‘live-for-the-moment’ kinds, those personality types who are more sporadic, maybe braver, chance takers… extremists… yes, that is me.

 

I think that we have karma points. I think that we do get chances. I think that in the cosmic realm of things… the universe and all its infinite higher powers, and elements, knows when people are of a good soul, or of a bad soul. ((Here is where I struggle with the concept that there are really such souls out there that are bad… but at this point in my life… it know this to be true. Even someone I know, and love so much, can have a bad… oh nevermind… )) ANYWAY~ my point is..

 

Take chances. Live your life. Check in with yourself. Understand it is OK to mess up. You are human. You are going to mess things up sometimes! And if you do… don’t ever allow someone, who says they love you, tell you that if you ever mess up they are done with you! (( Like a parent.. or something… ))

 

No one deserves to hear that!! Love is NOT conditional on mess up’s, or anything!! Love, real love, has no rules.

 

I hope the night finds you well!! I hope you all have some good karma points saved up!!

XOXO ~ Jen

 

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Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/30/13)

Daily Reflection (04/30/13)

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You & Your Negativity

 

Hello Tryst Family!! How does the day find you? Wonderful & warm in the sunshine.. I hope!! Things have been very productive for me lately. It is only Tuesday and I am getting so much done this week! I love that feeling of great accomplishment when you know that you, and only you, are responsible for the great things that are happening in your life. It’s a good feeling for sure!!

 

As for the other side of things, well, the trial that is coming up for the person who took my brother from me has been pushed back another few months. There was actually a court appearance last week, but my mother didn’t feel it was important enough to call and tell me. Instead she took her daughter-in-law and her friends to this hearing, while I, her actual daughter and sister to the victim, sat at home, unaware that this event took place. My mother is really good at making me feel like I am not a part of this family. So, as the story continues to go, I have to figure out what is the best for me in my life. I am just too important to myself to not have my best interests at heart.

 

While the tears do fall for the unknown reasons why my mother shuts me out, there are parts of me that feel like I’ll never be enough. I have written on this before. But then I think about my life… my actual life… all the things I’ve done and all the things I am doing… and I realize that it is truly my mothers loss. She is missing out on a fun person in her life, because I am full of that stuff I call soulshine! I am also the spark of positivity that floats around my family… even after all the blah and tragedy. I still try to stay up-beat.

 

Someone said to me, “Your mother should be proud of you for the incredible changes you have made! Your life is completely different!” Maybe this is true… but I can’t force my mother to think things. I am just not that powerful. She thinks what she wants and honestly… she is the most negative piece in my life. I do not have that angry, negative and mean energy from anyone else. As a result, as sad as this makes me, I have to eliminate the negative piece from my life. I just don’t want anything to do with it.

 

Not to mention this gloomy, down in the dumps shit, she throws my past in my face every time I see her! And frankly, I do not live in my past anymore. Not any part of my yesterday is currently my today. I don’t need to defend myself either. I have my integrity at the end of the day, and with each rising sun, I know that I don’t deserve to be put through the emotional roller-coaster she sends me on every other month.

 

I don’t deserve it. I am better than that.

 

My reflection today is on negativity. When you are a negative person, everything in your life sucks. You are blinded from anything good, even when it is staring you in the face! You wake up angry or mad, and everything is just terrible. You certainly don’t like to see people happy and enjoying their lives because there you are, in your rain puddle, complaining about your life and everyone else. Of course, the negative people never hold themselves accountable for why they are always in a crummy mood. It is always someone elses fault. What someone else did or didn’t do. When really, they clearly don’t see that to the rest of the world, they aren’t fooling anyone but themselves. To the rest of the world, we can see that they project their crummy negativity on to others, especially their family and loved ones, when they really need to look in the mirror and realize that they are negative and crummy and it is all their fault. It is not the world around them.

 

It is obvious that a person is negative when they literally ‘fish’ for things to complain about when they should be practicing gratitude for the things they do have. What makes me even more sad and ashamed of people who act like this is when these people ‘preach’ about the exact things they are NOT doing… like being kind, compassionate, supportive, and forgiving… just to name a few… and yes, this directly relates to my situation.

 

(Shaking my head)

 

Life is too short to waste living like this. And if you find yourself alone, you might ask yourself why… if it really is everyone else that is the problem, then why is it YOU are the ONE ALONE? Maybe it’s time to start practicing what you preach, instead of being negative and crummy and pointing a finger.

 

I hope to spread positive things and messages in my life. I don’t walk with the negative because, truthfully, I can’t stand it. And while it makes me sad to have to realize that even my mother is one of those terribly negative elements in my life, I choose to eliminate it because I refuse to put up with the put downs. I just won’t do it anymore.

 

Have a great day Tryst Fam!! If you encounter a negative person… run the other direction!! XOXO

 

~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : As people, we suffer from addictions. Some are addicted to booze, others pills… some are addicted to sex, or shopping or gambling… but then there are some who are addicted to drama and pain. I believe that there are some people who just do not know how to live happy and enjoy their time. Instead, they spend their whole lives being miserable and making those who they are around miserable too.

 

I am so grateful that I have a heart and soul that is not hooked on drama and pain…

 

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Disappear

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Disappear

 
Sometimes I just want to disappear
Uncomfort sits with me too long
Everything looks to me like fear
Hearing the same repetitive song
 
So untrusting I seem to be
Of all the worlds residents & things I see
I live my life like I’m playing a game
Too proud to show anyone my shame
 
Who better to speak the truth
To tell of the past few years
Than a woman with the scars
Who’s words bring her to tears
 
Some of us are shown some things
That are harder to believe are real
The test is if we remain standing
Even after the pain we feel
 
Pain inside cannot be measured
Our hearts are not built the same
Each one of us have different pieces
As we are each given our own name
 
To disappear into the air
Maybe isn’t the right step
If I don’t chase my happiness now
I won’t have anything left
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/19/13)
 
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Down The Tree

Down the Tree
 
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I stood in the dark
In the shadows
As to not be seen
Quiet as a mouse
Still as the dead
 
It creeped slowly
Down the tree
To the ground
My memories falling
With them
Also making no such sound
 
This feeling I know
Quite well to be exact
Something dark
Inside of me
Taunting as I try to breathe
 
I find myself watching
Visions of my life’s
Moments
Playing out
Right in front of my eyes
 
I stand against the tree
My shame
Falling all around me
Slithering
Down the tree
Every single memory
 
What brought me here
To remember things like this
Why the lesson
As if my mind ever forgets
My mind has its regrets
 
I have forsaken my soul
I cry out from underneath
The brittle branches
I am sorry, you see
What more do you want from me?
 
I have lost
And it hurts so bad
Nothing will ever replace him
He is gone
I will be forever sad
 
Underneath this tree
I confessed my sins
I cried for my weaknesses
I admit my shame
I hold its bark, like it is all I have left
 
Somehow
At the bottom of the tree
I came here to remember
What it feels like
To be me
 
~ J. Lefever ~
(04/02/13)
 
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Afternoon Reflection on Tryst (03/17/13)

Afternoon Reflection (03/17/13)

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Green Beer and Parades

 Hey there!! Is the world out celebrating the festivities of St. Patrick’s Day? Have you been pinched for not wearing green? Such a funny holiday really… A glorified day for all the non-drinkers, the amateur boozers to hit the sauce all day and make total asses of themselves. We have a great time here in KC on St. Paddy’s Day. The city shuts down, well, parts of it, roads get blocked off, we have parades, rides, food, green beer, glitter, face painting and sparkly shamrocks everywhere. It is a day of eating and drinking and I… I didn’t have any part of it today. Nope. I’ve had my share of green-booze induced St. Paddy’s Day’s throughout the years. Enough to say, I’m perfectly happy staying at home for this one. My husband and I picked up the house, did some food shopping at the market and made it home for me to reflect & write while he watched sports and fell asleep on the couch. No hangovers for us today! I’m glad we are passed that.

(Or am I? Maybe the parade would have been fun… but dealing with the drunk fest down-town… I’m not so sure. I guess I really have grown up, huh?)

Back in the Day.

I’m thinking of things of my past today. Regret mostly. Do you ever regret things? I know that in the cosmic realm of things, they say, we wouldn’t be who we are today if we hadn’t taken our path. Of course, this is true. It’s kind of dumb wisdom, right? I mean, we are who we are today. We are going to be who we are no matter what… kind of non-wise piece of wisdom.

But, wisdom it is, none the less. Regrets are kind of waste of time. If you are sitting there, wishing you knew back then, what ya did now, I mean, how productive is that really? We can;t go back in the past. We can’t change anything. We can only control our future. So, where is this going…

If there is anything that we feel regret for, the only way to make that regret something positive is to allow it to shape our future.

Don’t regret the past. Be who you want to be right now. That’s the most productive & positive thing you can do for yourself.

I hope everyone had a safe & fun St. Patrick’s Day!! Get the desire for green beer and green glitter out of your systems because tomorrow is Monday, and life goes back to normal… (for all the amateur boozers)

🙂

~ Jen

Tryst Thought: If we put as much energy into our hope & desires as we do into our worries & regrets, think about all the shit we can get done!!

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You May Never

You May Never

 

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Through the air

A Poison dart

Shot through my heart

And my soul fell to the floor

I stumbled around

Out of breath, until

I realized you were gone

Heart ache came

It hurts so bad

Needing you more & more

Finding myself

Calling your name

To the back of the closed-door

Inside of me

Inside my heart

Pain never will subside

Told that I

Am the one to blame

For you not being here

The truth in that

I despise so much

Deny it day after day

The absence of you

Rings silent in my mind

You must have your reasons

Why do I

Think it was only you

That needed to make the change

Ignorance on my behalf

To say I’m not to blame

Games I play

To win you back

Leave me standing still

Alone I’ll be

If I do not

Change my ways

You may never come back home

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(02/14/13)

 

This piece is dedicated to the lost & lonely.

This piece is to sing the song of the person who denies..

This piece is written to show that, some believe they are never at fault…

This piece, I hope, will reach someone who is hurting for their love….

This piece, I pray, will inspire someone to stand and make a change…..

 

 
 
 
 
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