Guilty Too

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Guilty Too

 

A test of my strength

Forgiving I need to be

Its been only hours since

Since your actions hurt me

I tell of a time

When we were both kind

Walking side by side

Your heart was inside mine

Battling disappointment

My anger subsides

Remembering the moment

That my spirit died

In that four-cornered room

The cell of my shame

My faith came to same me

From my internal pain

You told me what I had done

What you wanted me to do

I have lived up to my word

Given you all you asked me to

I made you worry all the time

You said I broke your heart

So I promised to mend

The pieces that fell apart

I remember the promises

I made that day

Promises to shelter

Myself in the rain

I give you no reason to put me down

You have no reason to cry for me

Yet you still throw my yesterday

As if the present you can’t even see

I still face a mountain

As I have said before

Yesterday is gone

I Walk through the next door

I’m not the only guilty one

You have been hurtful too

I’m still trying to forgive

The past I’ve had with you

 

~J. Lefever~

(04/26/13)

 

This is a piece about my mom. It’s very personal. But I feel the need to clarify who I’m speaking about…

 

*****
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 

 

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Mountain of Too Much

((If you are offended by the “F” word… please do not read this piece… because I use the “F” word, only once, in this poem))
 
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Mountain of Too Much
 
Trickling down
The mountain of too much
Were pieces of me
Fallen into the river
Flowing down the
Sensitive stream
Losing my mind
To the chaos of the day
 
At the bottom
Staring up at my climb
I have a long way to go
On this mountain of too much
Facing fear
Confronting my pain
Fighting my past
Remaining sane
You find me
 
Making my way
Through the thickest part of the climb
I have tremendous victories
I save a real sense of pride
Here I go, reaching the next level
When suddenly I fall
I begin to unravel
Have I taken on
Something stronger than I
Am I a fool
For giving this a try
My soul can’t take this
On this mountain of too much
 
A view of the top
I’m beginning to see
The calm of the storm
Is becoming a reality
I have made it far
I have stood tall to my fears
I have handled my shit
For a handful of years
Yet something catches my eye
And I begin to lose my balance
Facing something new, how can I
Frustrated by time, I start to cry
I thought I was there
At the top of my destination
Now I’m falling down again
The enemy of my own creation
It was always me
I was fighting against
Climbing this mountain
Knuckles bleed on my fist
Will I ever climb to the top
Of my mountain of too much
Or is it just too overwhelming, so
I am royally fucked?
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/24/13)
 
*****
 
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 

Disappear

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Disappear

 
Sometimes I just want to disappear
Uncomfort sits with me too long
Everything looks to me like fear
Hearing the same repetitive song
 
So untrusting I seem to be
Of all the worlds residents & things I see
I live my life like I’m playing a game
Too proud to show anyone my shame
 
Who better to speak the truth
To tell of the past few years
Than a woman with the scars
Who’s words bring her to tears
 
Some of us are shown some things
That are harder to believe are real
The test is if we remain standing
Even after the pain we feel
 
Pain inside cannot be measured
Our hearts are not built the same
Each one of us have different pieces
As we are each given our own name
 
To disappear into the air
Maybe isn’t the right step
If I don’t chase my happiness now
I won’t have anything left
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/19/13)
 
*****
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Down The Tree

Down the Tree
 
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I stood in the dark
In the shadows
As to not be seen
Quiet as a mouse
Still as the dead
 
It creeped slowly
Down the tree
To the ground
My memories falling
With them
Also making no such sound
 
This feeling I know
Quite well to be exact
Something dark
Inside of me
Taunting as I try to breathe
 
I find myself watching
Visions of my life’s
Moments
Playing out
Right in front of my eyes
 
I stand against the tree
My shame
Falling all around me
Slithering
Down the tree
Every single memory
 
What brought me here
To remember things like this
Why the lesson
As if my mind ever forgets
My mind has its regrets
 
I have forsaken my soul
I cry out from underneath
The brittle branches
I am sorry, you see
What more do you want from me?
 
I have lost
And it hurts so bad
Nothing will ever replace him
He is gone
I will be forever sad
 
Underneath this tree
I confessed my sins
I cried for my weaknesses
I admit my shame
I hold its bark, like it is all I have left
 
Somehow
At the bottom of the tree
I came here to remember
What it feels like
To be me
 
~ J. Lefever ~
(04/02/13)
 
*****
 
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication