Guilty Too

Guilty Too

 

A test of my strength

Forgiving I need to be

Its been only hours since

Since your actions hurt me

I tell of a time

When we were both kind

Walking side by side

Your heart was inside mine

Battling disappointment

My anger subsides

Remembering the moment

That my spirit died

In that four-cornered room

The cell of my shame

My faith came to same me

From my internal pain

You told me what I had done

What you wanted me to do

I have lived up to my word

Given you all you asked me to

I made you worry all the time

You said I broke your heart

So I promised to mend

The pieces that fell apart

I remember the promises

I made that day

Promises to shelter

Myself in the rain

I give you no reason to put me down

You have no reason to cry for me

Yet you still throw my yesterday

As if the present you can’t even see

I still face a mountain

As I have said before

Yesterday is gone

I Walk through the next door

I’m not the only guilty one

You have been hurtful too

I’m still trying to forgive

The past I’ve had with you

 

~J. Lefever~

(04/26/13)

 

This is a piece about my mom. It’s very personal. But I feel the need to clarify who I’m speaking about…

 

*****

 

ღ

 

 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

 

Mountain of Too Much

((If you are offended by the “F” word… please do not read this piece… because I use the “F” word, only once, in this poem))

 

 

Mountain of Too Much

 

Trickling down

The mountain of too much

Were pieces of me

Fallen into the river

Flowing down the

Sensitive stream

Losing my mind

To the chaos of the day

 

At the bottom

Staring up at my climb

I have a long way to go

On this mountain of too much

Facing fear

Confronting my pain

Fighting my past

Remaining sane

You find me

 

Making my way

Through the thickest part of the climb

I have tremendous victories

I save a real sense of pride

Here I go, reaching the next level

When suddenly I fall

I begin to unravel

Have I taken on

Something stronger than I

Am I a fool

For giving this a try

My soul can’t take this

On this mountain of too much

 

A view of the top

I’m beginning to see

The calm of the storm

Is becoming a reality

I have made it far

I have stood tall to my fears

I have handled my shit

For a handful of years

Yet something catches my eye

And I begin to lose my balance

Facing something new, how can I

Frustrated by time, I start to cry

I thought I was there

At the top of my destination

Now I’m falling down again

The enemy of my own creation

It was always me

I was fighting against

Climbing this mountain

Knuckles bleed on my fist

Will I ever climb to the top

Of my mountain of too much

Or is it just too overwhelming, so

I am royally fucked?

 

~J. Lefever~

(04/24/13)

 

*****

 

ღ

 

 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disappear

Disappear

 

Sometimes I just want to disappear

Uncomfort sits with me too long

Everything looks to me like fear

Hearing the same repetitive song

 

So untrusting I seem to be

Of all the worlds residents & things I see

I live my life like I’m playing a game

Too proud to show anyone my shame

 

Who better to speak the truth

To tell of the past few years

Than a woman with the scars

Who’s words bring her to tears

 

Some of us are shown some things

That are harder to believe are real

The test is if we remain standing

Even after the pain we feel

 

Pain inside cannot be measured

Our hearts are not built the same

Each one of us have different pieces

As we are each given our own name

 

To disappear into the air

Maybe isn’t the right step

If I don’t chase my happiness now

I won’t have anything left

 

~J. Lefever~

(04/19/13)

 

*****

 

ღ

 

 

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Down The Tree

Down the Tree

 

 

I stood in the dark

In the shadows

As to not be seen

Quiet as a mouse

Still as the dead

 

It creeped slowly

Down the tree

To the ground

My memories falling

With them

Also making no such sound

 

This feeling I know

Quite well to be exact

Something dark

Inside of me

Taunting as I try to breathe

 

I find myself watching

Visions of my life’s

Moments

Playing out

Right in front of my eyes

 

I stand against the tree

My shame

Falling all around me

Slithering

Down the tree

Every single memory

 

What brought me here

To remember things like this

Why the lesson

As if my mind ever forgets

My mind has its regrets

 

I have forsaken my soul

I cry out from underneath

The brittle branches

I am sorry, you see

What more do you want from me?

 

I have lost

And it hurts so bad

Nothing will ever replace him

He is gone

I will be forever sad

 

Underneath this tree

I confessed my sins

I cried for my weaknesses

I admit my shame

I hold its bark, like it is all I have left

 

Somehow

At the bottom of the tree

I came here to remember

What it feels like

To be me

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(04/02/13)

 

*****

 

 

ღ

 

 

 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication