The Victim & The Villain

I am going through my poetry and putting together my third manuscript. So, I am compiling all my pieces, reading through them, picking and choosing, and I came across this one. This is a piece that remains one of my favorites… most dear to the painful part of my soul… yesterdays news, but still ever so present in the choices I make… I wanted to share it again… just for fun…
***** 
This is… my most beloved piece. This piece is meant to be read slowly, to get the emotion in each word I chose to tell this story. This is a short story, about me. It is written poetically. I am happy to share it, and hope it is enjoyed and understood by those who read it. This is also the title of a book that I am currently writing… one of my writing projects that is very dear to my heart. This is the story of the Victim and the Villain. ~ J
a83a565e98a06c5b7e423df311992cf6
The Victim & The Villain
I can tell you of days
When I was completely frozen
I can tell you of weeks that went by
And I didn’t even notice
I can tell you of mornings
I would wake up mad
Mad ’cause I was still breathing, still alive
…isn’t that sad?
I can tell you of a lady
Who was once alive in me
She was vibrant, and she smiled
She was what other’s wanted to be
But somehow, in her life, she became
Tragically sad
Things began to happen
Now, She’s a Victim to all things bad
A run of bad luck, for a decade, or so
But she was also the Villain of her story, you know
As much as she tried
To push the darkness away
The Villain within
Would not let her stray
The Villain was strong but
It needed it’s Victim down
And with all of the chaos
The Victim was stuck in her town
Further and further
Did her pure image go
But deep down inside
Her spirit would know
In a time and a place
She could rise up again
And put to rest
Her corruption, her sin
I can tell you of days
When I thought this impossible
I can tell you today
I have become remarkable
Only because
I can see inside
That I was the Victim.. and the Villain
In my very own mind
Playing the taunter
And being taunted by…
The miraculous strength of
Me, Myself, and I…
I can’t tell you who wins
The story of me
The Victim, the Villain, or the saviour to be…
But I am each one
Each integral part
That make up the Victim… and the Villain
Inside of my heart.
~~ J. Lefever ~~
(04/15/012)
*****
sdgaerg
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
Advertisements

The Devil’s Room

The Devil’s Room

 a327076568f94468f8aa18879fe73bc2

There is nothing to say about now

I am in the dark again

My body shakes

I am afraid

 

I swore I would never

Visit the devil again

But I did

And now he won’t let me go

 

With his cold hands on my wrists

A strength of which

I am too weak to pull away

So I cry as he holds me in his presence

 

Far far away

For anyone alive to hear my cries

I am silenced by defeat

It is here, I will die

 

Comfort and warmth

Are a long, distant memory

Foreign to my current surroundings

Will I ever be home?

 

I belong to the world

But I’m tired of wandering

Years I have searched

I am ready to belong somewhere

 

Inside of the Devil’s room

Walls dripping with my fear

Echos of my past are screaming

Lyrics of which berate me deeply

 

My own sins brought me here

Weak along the way

My mission so completely unclear

Pride was stripped my his cold, dead grasp

 

The death of my spirit

Has yet to visit me

I fight to keep it away

I am surviving on my hopeful emotion

 

Trembling with angry energy

I break away from the Devils force

Pounding on the structure that entraps me

I stand to show I refuse to be taken

 

~J. Lefever~

Written on a day unknown

 

This is an older piece I wrote some years ago…

I found it in my journals… scribbled in pencil on the pages of my yesterday

I thought I’d share it to show the deep effects that addiction had on my spirit

Like being trapped, held down by a strength much stronger than me… With hope almost impossible to find… but… somewhere inside of me, the refusal to give up.

*****

sdgaerg

 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

 

House of Death

 

imagesCADIXVED

House of Death

 It was thick in the air

Telling me to see

Through the mist

Fear not to be

Luring into

A foreign place

Wearing red and

Black lace

Voice in a whisper

As not to scare

But to seduce

My innocence

Into its lair

The land of death

Never seen before

Corners of which

Light shuts its doors

Get on your knees

And crawl to me

Looking down

Don’t try to be

Leave your strength

And armour behind

This place is not

For anything virtuous

This house of death

Takes all miraculous

Pulling it out

Of your very own heart

Leaving behind

You falling apart

You may think

It is black or red

But the house of death

Is in your head

Visiting you

When you least expect

Stripping you bare

Of Self respect

It will accept your challenge

If you dare to run

It will leave you burning

Under the sun

Best if you not

Look death in the eye

If it toys with you

Keep on walking by

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(03/02/13)

 imagesCA4SJ09N

 
 
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

Fall to Stand

imagesCA4GS9UI

Fall to Stand

Spoken once
Were words of glory
Of a time when
I stood up tall
Spoken then
In strength you saw
Cloaked in memories
Of the struggle along the way
Tearing through trauma
Pieces of my torn dreams
Pushing onward through to
The light on the other side
Yea, this is true
Every word I tell to you
I’ve stood up tall
After being at war with
Life’s challenges & influences

And I
I’ve fallen down low
Gotten lost in the dark
Made my way once again
To stand here with you
And speak from within
About the way
You choose to go
Your fate in your hands
Your Karma will know
A true person who
Is really awake & alive
Falls down & stands tall
Who will fight to survive

~ J. Lefever ~
(02/27/13)

imagesCA4SJ09N

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Soul Revival

Soul Revival

31672_1246225809654_843931_n 

Crooked thoughts
Travelling through the air
Destination undecided as
It continues nowhere
Begging for a reason
An explanation to ease
My wondering mind
Misdirected chaos
Left remembered behind
I lost my strength
Perseverance slipped away
I’m not my yesterday, yet
Misery likes its prey
Stumbling down on my own
Trembling knees
How have I returned
To the place that makes me bleed
A liar and a fake
I pretend all too well
Broken promises written
Straight back to that hell
Noises I can’t turn off
Silence pierced through my inner voice,

Telling myself I’m falling
Hearing my own little voice
I thought it was OK
That I was able to trust
I fear I’ve been tricked
Left a joke in the dust
So now I run so far
Tears burn in regret
Anger builds against my soul
Shamefully lost the bet
People thrive and celebrate
In watching someone cry
Until the day when evil wins
And the weak have finally died
Why I’m here to tell you this
I really don’t even know
I cannot explain myself enough
Confusion rendered me low
Yes so down low I cannot speak
My words are upside down
Just a made example of
To watch you cry and frown
Upside down & inside out
I’m a shallow shell of nothing
A shadow cast into the wind
Still running from something
Why me, why my, why is this so
Why must I have to endure
Reason like this I search & search
To find this madnesses cure
Circling back to that broken place
I cannot even explain
Where I went, or why I chose
To carry on this pain…

But here I am
Not really so
You can see that I am gone
Something must be stronger than me,

I’ve been acting all along
Are you confused looking at me
Wondering where my light is going
Puzzling reality to me as well
Who pretends to be the knowing
Off the edge, I slipped and fell
Into the black abyss
Confusion sets in, I can’t explain
My spirit feeling like this
Frazzled my nerves, my soul & mind,

The bridge is falling apart
Truth my be I’m still afraid
To show my open heart

The path I’ve chosen I hate with a passion,

I barely have survived
I won’t give up, or even surrender
Until my souls revived

 

~ J. Lefever ~
(02/18/13)

Something clicked, and took me back, I felt something deep inside…

This piece is my yesterday, and my present just the same.

 167829523583932813_VbTtb5rp_b

 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

Daily Reflection on Trystღ (02/16/13)

Daily Reflection (02/16/13)

6787020d37ec2df273177b1bb50d4785

 

Milestones

My First 365

 

Lazy Saturday morning, I hope you are all having! Hello Tryst! I’ve been up since 7am because I had to be here at work this morning for a half day. Not so bad, half day & all, but I’ll shamelessly admit that if I didn’t have this work to do, I would be at home having a lazy Saturday morning for sure!! Probably sleeping in a little, eventually I would roll out of bed and make some coffee or breakfast, and then curl up with my laptop to play in all my networks and do some writing… still in my P.J’s, of course!! (Now I’m just torturing myself!! I need to stop talking!!)

 

I enjoy working, really I do. But sometimes, only sometimes, I dream of what it would be like to be a stay at home wife. To be able to do whatever it is that pleases me because my hubby brings home plenty of bacon and I am blessed with the freedom to do whatever… I would probably have a series of fiction novels by now because I would write my heart out!! Among many other things, I would have the time to learn to play my guitar better, and I would have the time to paint more (I do oil & acrylic on canvas, abstract, and some charcoal.. but I don’t have much time, ever..) For any of you out there that have this life, I hope you appreciate it, because to most, it’s like a dream.. Yes, I sit here on Saturday morning, dreaming of what that would be like.. humm.. (My mind trails off for a few minutes..

 

This morning, my reflective thought is on milestones. I use this word because my dad sent it to me in a text not too long ago, saying, “That is a huge milestone Jen! Be proud. Yo Dad is proud of you. Love you!” -Dad.

 

Today marks the day of one full year of being clean!

I am very proud of myself! There was a time when I never thought this possible. There was a time when I thought there was no hope for me. There was a time when I was inches from giving up completely. There were many times when I thought my life was destroyed beyond repair. There was a time when I thought my spirit was so broken and dead that it would never come back to life. There was a time when I thought I would never smile again… I could go on & on, but I am aware of all of these times, so the milestone that this day marks, to me, is incredible, amazing, wonderful, miraculous and so much more!

 

Believing in yourself starts from within. We ALL have the power to fight for what we want inside, we just have to make the effort.

No one could do this for me. No one. I did this, and it feels great!!

 

There were people, I’m sure, who said there was no hope for me.. Well.. the best revenge against people like that, is a life well lived!! (That is an actual take on a quote, but I’m not sure who said those words, so I’m not takin credit for them, just using them b/c they are awesome words!!)

 

For the goal setters out there, reaching a milestone is a great feeling!!

Keep pushing towards your goals, and make sure that you honor your milestones along the way!! There are some fights in life that only we can battle ourselves. And in those battles, when we succeed and reach a milestone, the glory and celebration is all ours!!

 

I hope you all have a wonderful Saturday!! ~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought: There are moments in our lives when we are our own kind of Rock Stars!! In those moments, let yourself shine and be proud!! You worked hard for the limelight to be all on you!!

 281615782919240430_12HQbrRm_b

 
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

Dark Intimidation

Dark Intimidation
imagesCA0FHOO9
Thick, damp
It suffocates me
Covers every inch
Its hiding me
Scream into its silence, but
No one hears a word
Darkness so thick
It muffles my tiny sound
Making my way
As if I’m in a maze
The puzzle is it’s’ essence
It plays tricks on my mind
Luring me further & further
Down deep, to its very core
Obsessed by the challenge
I find myself again
Without steel, iron or blade, only
Armed with my soul
Intimidated shamefully
Yet I push on through
To find a glimmer of light
In the thickness of you
~ J. Lefever ~
(2012)
This piece was written last year… During a time when I was searching for my spirit…
142918988144896013_WHsxt9A3_b
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication