I Have Thought…

“I cannot explain it”, she said…

“Well, not everyone can do it… Not nearly everyone…” He continued, “I mean, its been over four years, since you’ve done it, and you just pick up your pen, and it spills out… All falling into place, as if you never, ever, stopped.”

He pauses for a moment to attempt to better understand, what it is exactly, that even he, himself, is defining for her at this very moment…

He continues…

“It has rhythm. It makes sense. Its pretty… Mostly… And sad too… But that’s how anyone who takes the time to absorb it, each word you seem to carelessly select, yet each word seems to fit, so perfectly, it often leaves your readers speechless… Intimidated to even try to speak upon what you’ve written… Because… Its good… Its real… I can feel it.”

He finishes his thought as he shyly looks over towards her…

She is sitting cross-legged by the window, tying a few strands of her hair into knots… Over and over again…

He cant help but to notice, as he can feel her present emotion so thick… Almost suffocating him as he shifts, sitting with the discomfort of her very real and undeniably raw sense of feeling, hanging in the room, like heavy drapes on big glass windows built on the front side of an enormous estate… The kind you drive by as a child, riding in the back seat of your parents car as a child… Thinking it must be like a museum inside… Intimidating in thoughts of being homelike… And not too comfortable either… But you still have wild, childlike fantasies of what it must be like… To be a part of a family that lives in one of those enormous, fancy and unrealistic estates that are actually considered a real ‘home’ to some people…

She was real…

And she was raw…

Always so open, like a book or a magazine…

He often wished he could communicate his life like she could… So open… So real… Captivating others like he has seen her do… More than a time or two…

“I cant explain it… I just pick up my pen and I let everything else go… I brush all the dirt from my mind… The tragic loss and deep pain too… I let go… And I just write… Its as if my soul is speaking… Yes, my soul, it is as if it’s dancing across the paper with words as its partner… Except its my prose that renders itself across the paper… And I don’t even know what I’m writing at the moment of first transcription… I truly don’t” she trails off, rather shyly…

He enjoys her shy smile as usual… Chosing not to interrupt her, as he most often does… hoping for a glance of her when shes feeling overly open and exposed… vulnerability is sweet on her and he likes it… more every time he witnesses it…

“Why now?” He asks, anticipating her response… Not having a clue what her answer could be… She is spectacular at presenting that moment revealing her element of surprise…

“Why now, after four, long, and may I say, four unbelievable years it has been for you… Since you wrote last… So, why, now… What is the significance of this time, right here, right now”, he asks her…

She is deep within her thought process… Deep in her deep mind… He can visibly see her soul at work… Pulling the perfect verbal response…

And after a few moments, she looks up to him and says, “Four years?”

“What is this ‘four years’ you keep pressing me about!?” She continues…

“Yes, I do believe, that I am ready, to speak on some things that my soul has been pushing for quite some time now…”

She pauses…

And she breathes deep…

Then with curious and lost eyes, she looks at him and says;

“But who are you? How do you speak to know so much on me! We’ve only just met!……”

***

I have some things to write about. And after all this, in due time, it is now… That I, finally come back up for air… To write about these things that I, have seen with my own eyes… Felt with my own hands… Heard with my own ears and tasted in everything that followed them…

I have thought.

It is time to speak.

…to be continued…

***

J.LeFever

Tryst Publication

2020

Good News!! Tryst Update

Good News!! Tryst Update

I am super happy tonight!! Last month I entered a poetry contest … it was the very first time I have ever submitted a poem for any thing!! I went through all of my material, a collection of over 500 poems and 2 manuscripts, which took me a few weeks. I needed to choose only 1 poem, under 28 lines, any style or genre … needless to say, this was a hard thing to choose with so many to pick from!!

Finally, I picked the one I wanted to send in!! I re-typed it and put it into an envelope … sealed it and popped it into the mail box. (Again, this was my first poetry submission, EVER!! So, I’ve been anxious to hear if I made the cut or if my piece even got seen …

So today I got a letter in the mail from the Publisher’s of the contest informing me that my poem made it into the semi-finals and I am up for grand prize!! Having made it this far I will get to be published in the book they are putting together of everyone’s poetry, so even if I don’t win the grand prize, I feel like I still won anyway because I will have a published piece!!

Good news & Good job to me!! … (I am kinda proud) 🙂

Xo ~ J

This really made me feel good and brightened up my whole day!!

~ Tryst Publication ~

Hiding Behind The Smile :)

Hiding behind the Smile 🙂

There is a lot that can be hidden behind a smile. We see people smiling everyday, smiles are all around us. But thinking into that smile… What is it hiding really, what is it that we don’t want people to see so we cover up our ‘shit’ with a smile on our face?

I know that when I’m sad, I mostly keep it inside. I’m not one of those kinds of people who needs the whole world to know why I’m sad so they can shower me with comfort &/or attention. I hate that shit. If I’m sad, I keep it to myself. (Well, I share things with my husband, but that’s it..) What else do people hide behind the safety of a smile? Depression? Worry? Hurt or betrayal? Fear? Loneliness? Anxiety? (Also, some of these things we may hide behind a frown, but that’s not really hiding… A frown is a dead give away that something is up, or it’s a sign that someone is completely pissed off!) My thought today is that, even though we see a person smiling, that smile is probably masking up some things that are really going on. I say this because I caught myself smiling last night, at a particular person, but in my mind I was far from a happy smiling woman. That smile last night was hiding hurt, hiding some anger and even a bit of some unhealthy bitterness.  At least I can be honest and admit to these things. Yea, my smile is a cover up a lot of the time. Yea, I have a lot of things that I want to get off my chest but I haven’t found the right time or place… yet… so I just keep smiling.  And, it helps to alleviate quite a bit of heavy emotion, just wearing a smile, but….

…wearing the fake smile gets kind of exhausting! I know that I’m not the only one who has some heavy things on her heart… I’m no better or worse than anyone else! What I’m owning up to here is this: Hiding behind a smile doesn’t make the heavy hard stuff go away. It’s a temporary fix, a push of the pause button, a get out of facing your heavy stuff free card, or a call in sick day from feeling your emotions.

How many of us hide behind a fake smile everyday?

~ Jen  10/24/2012

For a delicate, sensitive, and beautifully written piece called ‘Somehow’ follow the link provided

Visit MY THOUGHTS ON THE SUBJECT ARE AS FOLLOWS to find a very talented writter