Daily Reflection on Tryst – Letting Go of Yesterday

Daily Reflection on Tryst

October 22, 2013

Letting Go of Yesterday …

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Today my thought is simple. I want to remind myself and others while I’m at it, that there is no point in fussing over the past. The past is over and there is nothing you can do about it. How much time have you wasted into fussing over this and that about your yesterday?

Of course I am mainly pointing this advice towards myself today … I have a current situation that has me … quite pissed actually, pissed about some things that happened about a year ago. About a year ago!?!?! How stupid is this then? There is nothing I can do to change these events, there is no amount of time I can spend trying to explain them, or justify them, or rationalize them in any way. The time has passed. The events took place. And I have since moved on from all of it.

These events have consequences though. Those consequences are what I am currently dealing with and thus explain my pissy, fussy, bitter attitude and my sense of regret.

I am reminded on a daily basis right now about my foolishness a year ago … the fact that I listened to my heart instead of my head a year ago … the fact that I majorly sacrificed my safely and well-being for the sake of another a year ago … the face that my life and my parent’s life will be highly affected if this ends badly because of this other person and my inability to remove myself from the situation a year ago … I a reminded on a daily basis that it get me nowhere, ever, loving another person MORE than I love myself!!! If I love another more than I love me, look how much shit I have to deal with … only because I made some serious sacrifices, and excuses for this person.

I am the fool who loved someone else more than I loved my own self and as a result … I am paying for it greatly right now.

But this is still all a pointless waste of my time! And everyone else’s whom I might bother with the banter and conversation about this shit. So, what can I do?

I can think about what I CAN do for my future and to move on with the best outcome and the best results for this situation and these events. Nope, I sure as hell can’t change the past but I can make a difference on what happens today and tomorrow.

So that is what I am doing. Stop with the bullshit fuss about what I wish I would have or have not done a year ago and get on with the best course of action to make my present and my future more pleasant … and make this past situation, end peacefully.

Phew … glad I got that off my chest!! I needed to vent a little!!! Of course, this matter is personal and so I am vague about the what-have-you’s … but that’s my business. I only wanted to reflect here on the pointlessness of fussing over things that have already happened. Put energy into today and tomorrow and you’ll be much better off!!!

Oh, and NEVER love someone else MORE than you love yourself. Period. Ever. Never do that. Because no one will ever love you or have your back as much as you do. People are NOT selfless like that. I learn the hard way when I act selfless towards someone (Someone in particular) That ‘sacrifice’ , whether they say it or not, would most likely never be returned. People are too selfish to put you before them. It makes me sad to think about this reality because it is honestly not how I am. I never feel good when I am acting selfish, so it is hard for me to wrap my head around this ‘loving yourself more’ but it is a powerful truth and wisdom.

I think I need to find a good balance between the two … being selfless still towards others, but still loving myself enough, if not a little more … plenty, or just right! 🙂

I hope you have a great day Tryst Family!! XO – Jen

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Time After Time

Time

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I have often been puzzled over the apparent acceleration of time as I get older.  Why does time seem to go by so much faster now than when I was younger?  I conclude this to be a personal matter of perception, a phenomenon provoked by my growing awareness of my own mortality, the fact that I’ve crossed over into my 30′s and it may be more challenging to think of the glass half full as opposed to half empty… but I continue to remain quite positive.

Personal perception or the reality of time itself, I have always harbored a certain resentment towards time.  I do look back with regret over many things, over time that I’ve wasted, or all things I should have done, said, went to, not said and not done.  As I move forward, I strive to make the most of the rest of my life.  My life, my path, my karma, my choices, all monumental and moving in their own ways, have shaped and remarkably changed me, and I refuse to be one of those that says, “I wish I would have…”  But some days, I’m still rendered unsatisfied with where I am in life, all the while knowing that I’m on my way, I can’t get it all in one short day, there is a whole process to getting from point A to point B.  I sometimes go to bed at night and nag at myself for the things I didn’t get done that day, reminding myself that the process takes time, and I still have tomorrow.  But how many tomorrow’s I have, there is no guarantee there, but that’s a whole other conversation in itself.

In my past experiences, it’s all the in-between that seems to be the most memorable.  All the things that happened from A to B, and in those memories, the time I remember I not only cherish, but I share, I logically pick apart, I pass on, I write about, I analyze, and I recognize as valuable to my life and to the pieces of me that make up my spirit..

Time.  Everyone knows that time can be quick and slow.  Sharp and quiet, long and short, true and false, and all of these at once.  Everyone knows that time is not a fixed commodity.  Time is not mechanical, uniform, steadfast, or absolute.  Time, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.  There is no universal clock ticking off the seconds by which we all grow.  Everyone knows that time is relative, slippery, illogical, and unchangeable.  The time in each day is a predictably proportioned sequence of morning, noon, and night, and just like the day before, we can expect the same today and tomorrow.

Time.  We have means of measurement that have themselves been often altered to be the most precise and accurate, evidence of our attempts to nail down time and gain a sense that we are one step ahead… But no matter how persistent (or consistent) we are in measuring time, it still eludes us.  Time itself is something else again, not a thing at all but a force like the wind, undeniable but invisible, and yet evidence of it is apparent everywhere, for better or worse, it’s effects are all around us.

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I have written about time before and found in the process, then and now, that most of what I think I know about time seems to change, depending on the time of my life that I’ve chosen to analyze my thoughts on this popular paradoxical subject of mine.  But how many ways can we reference time?  Time passes, time flies, time flows.  Time, we have been told, is a gift.  Time is an avenger, a devourer, a destroyer, a disordered thing.  Time, we hope, heals all wounds.  We talk about spending time, serving time, doing time.  We talk about buying time, borrowing time, stealing time.  At one time or another, we have all had time on our hands, time to squander, time to kill.  More often we say we are pressed for time: like a shirt, like grapes for wine, like a flower in a book, like a hand against a heart.  Time, we say, has run out on us: like milk, luck, or an unfaithful significant other.  So much time, we complain, is lost: like sunglasses, car keys, or our souls…

Time, I once thought, has always been a monkey on our backs.  Time, like gravity, is irrefutable.  Time, I once read, is just God’s way of keeping everything happening at once.  We teach our kids to tell time: like a fortune, a lie, or a story.  The truth is you cannot tell a story without it.  Time is the medium of history and change.  Without time, history does not exist.  Neither does a story of any kind.  In a story, one thing happens after another…and then and then and then.  Time is the natural propellant of narrative, and one of the luxuries of story is being able to move around in time in ways you never can in real life.

The truth is, you cannot even write one single sentence without it.  Past. Present. Future. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. Beginning. Middle. End. Sooner or later. Then and now… It was once said that time is the longest distance between two places.  One of those places is then, the other is now.  Is it an accident that the word, then, refers to both the past and the future?  While the word, now, is just an attempt to isolate the present moment?

As much as I think of time, I find it hard to imagine the end of time.  I can’t imagine the end of time with my family and loved ones, or their end of time on Earth.  And even as it is impossible for me to imagine the end of time, the end of the world, still I also believe that time itself will continue, even if all else ends.  I am predisposed to eternity.  I find infinity easier to believe in then some future moment when time itself will stop.  Truthfully, the more I think about time, the less I understand it, the less I grasp any sense of it.  I do know for certain that I have lived through time, my time, extraordinary time, and ordinary time.  I have wasted time, served time, done time, had productive time. I have had precious time, memorable time, remarkable time, incredible time. I have had too much time and not enough.  I have waited for time to go by and wished that it would just stop dead in its tracks.  I have had time to laugh and time to cry.  I have thought of time as my enemy and also as my friend.  I have been in time, on time, and beyond it… Just as I have always been, I am, and I will be.

~ Jen Lefever

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In A Nut-Shell ~ Tryst Update

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In A Nut Shell ~ Tryst Update

 

Last weekend I posted a tweet that kinda made me laugh… I tweeted that I need to start writing things down! As in, making lists.. of things I want to do, need to do, have going on, and ideas that POP up in my head through out the course of the day. This made me laugh after I hit ‘tweet’ because, well, I am a writer!! I write ALL the freakin time!! How is it that I am forgetting things… ? What’s up with that?

 

In a nut-shell, I have been extremely busy. This has been a very good thing for my emotions and grieving (the loss of my brother), but it has been frustrating in other areas of my life.

 

In a nut-shell, I am NOT managing my time well! I have ongoing projects, things on the back burner, new things coming forward and millions of thoughts floating around in my head…

 

In a nut-shell, I really wish there were more minutes in the day… but then again, I’m glad there is not!! If I crammed any thing else into my already busy life, right now, I might lose it and go postal!!

 

… I am way behind in writing here, my Tryst Land has been seriously neglected!! I mean, I haven’t been doing even my Daily Reflections, and those I LOVE, because they really help to center my thoughts and feelings… I write them in hopes to help others, or maybe inspire, or heal, but they are really helpful to me and so when I don’t ‘reflect’ I feel like I’m ‘neglecting’ my spirit…

 

…I am behind in my book project and my manuscript… I have a poetry contest that I’ve been preparing for and have three hundred poems of mind to choose from, and have gotten NOWHERE in actually choosing!!

 

…My friendships, which mean the world to me, and most of which, my really good friends who don’t even live in KC, I have been meaning to pick up the phone and here I am… still needing to make my friendly ‘Jen-calls’ to my peeps… I miss my people!!

 

In a nut-shell, I am freakin busy!! I have a new business that just started and work on top of that… where am I going to find some more time? Better time management? Or even just some peace and freaking quiet? When will things be simple and calm?

 

Meanwhile, I have the one year date of my little brother’s death looming over my head… and words do those feeling absolutely ZERO justice…

 

This has been a Tryst Update. Brought to you by Jen, who is just a girl, trying to stay afloat, in a crazy, ever-changing world.

 

Xo

 

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Noise

 

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Noise

 

Patter patter patter

Sound is unknown

Coming from somewhere

This place is not my home

 

Waking from a slumber

The land of my dreams

Subconscious mind is speaking

Inside my mind I scream

 

Open my eyes

Into the light of day

Room feeling foreign

Something safe I pray

 

Noises at my window

Water drops pattering upon

Will I walk into nothing

In the space I don’t belong

 

Time has stolen my innocence

Yet my hope it still remains

Without my internal faith

I’d go crazy insane

 

I carry this hope

My light inside my heart

Everywhere I go

Or else I’d fall apart

 

Tiny noise brings me back to life

Another day I will be brave

Never giving up on me

Eternal mission is to save

 

Even though I don’t belong

I feel like I don’t quite fit

I have this love inside my soul

For me, I’ll never quit

 

I am one among the world today

A true example of energy

Bound and determined to stand up tall

Do everything I need to save me…

 

~ J Lefever ~

(04/04/13)

 

 

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Shadows of Fire ~ Tryst Fiction

~Tryst Fiction~

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Shadows of Fire

 

There was a time when our fire burnned deep between us.

It was like we would never grow old and tired.

The passion and energy would build higher and higher with each moment we spent together.

Then life happened and your fire was slightly dimmer each year.

Yet, you can still see my passion, if you watch the shadows of my spirit that follow me, as you continue to walk the other way.

 

~J. Lefever~

 

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~This piece is written for Lillie McFerrin ~

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Five Sentence Fiction – Shadows

What it’s all about: Five Sentence Fiction is about packing a powerful punch in a tiny fist. Each week I will post a one word inspiration, then anyone wishing to participate will write a five sentence story based on the prompt word. The word does not have to appear in your five sentences, just use it for direction.

 

This week: SHADOWS

 

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True Beauty

 
 
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True Beauty
 
Innocence painted
On their faces
With purity
Beauty so natural
Born with security
Happiness so real
As we watch them play
Tiny versions of us
Like we were one day
Time
An unstoppable commodity
We forget the value
Of our existence
The years adding up
We cannot resist this
Time takes our innocence
And our natural joy
Our childlike minds
Are now broken toys
Mind & memory
Tainted with the things
We have seen
Our only escaping reality
Is in our subconscious dreams
If only we could remain
So young and pure
Keeping our souls
From needing a cure
With age we seek to find
True beauty like we once knew
In a difficult world
Killing beauty in all that we do
 
~ J. Lefever ~
(04/27/13)
 
 
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Guilty Too

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Guilty Too

 

A test of my strength

Forgiving I need to be

Its been only hours since

Since your actions hurt me

I tell of a time

When we were both kind

Walking side by side

Your heart was inside mine

Battling disappointment

My anger subsides

Remembering the moment

That my spirit died

In that four-cornered room

The cell of my shame

My faith came to same me

From my internal pain

You told me what I had done

What you wanted me to do

I have lived up to my word

Given you all you asked me to

I made you worry all the time

You said I broke your heart

So I promised to mend

The pieces that fell apart

I remember the promises

I made that day

Promises to shelter

Myself in the rain

I give you no reason to put me down

You have no reason to cry for me

Yet you still throw my yesterday

As if the present you can’t even see

I still face a mountain

As I have said before

Yesterday is gone

I Walk through the next door

I’m not the only guilty one

You have been hurtful too

I’m still trying to forgive

The past I’ve had with you

 

~J. Lefever~

(04/26/13)

 

This is a piece about my mom. It’s very personal. But I feel the need to clarify who I’m speaking about…

 

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Ghost Emotion

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Ghost Emotion
In the grey and white world
Are the shadows of ghosts
Ghosts of our emotions, left
To haunt the space between
Here and there
They haunt the vessels on the sea
Buildings and sidewalks of the cities
Trapped inside the paint on canvases
And enclosed in the lyrics of
Music and poetry
Our spirits are meant to feel things
It is in the way we are built
Once we feel, things pass along
With the ever-changing world
Not one moment mimics another
Time sets us free
From things that are regular and standard
Emotions are not tiny
They are bursts of energy
Fueled by the temples of our souls
Inside we are personal
Shedding shadows of emotion
Everywhere we go
I am haunted
By the things that I feel
Extraordinary pieces of time
I have been given
These ghost emotions are mine
As I move forward in time
My life, as unique as any other
Falling off my back
As I walk on for the soul of my brother
Bricks build houses
A poem is written in words
There are colors to paint the sky above
All of this shows my entire devotion
Inside my black and white world
I leave shadows of my ghost emotion
~J. Lefever~
(04/21/13)
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identify

identify

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If only one

word to tell

I watch you by

I, identify you

there, in the wake

of my eye

I’ll follow you

until time

is no more

defeated by you

once, you stand

at my door…

 

~J. Lefever~

(04/09/13)

 

I wrote this yesterday… these words came to me, somehow, as I drove down the street… I scribbled them onto a piece of paper, and I’ve been staring at them trying to decipher what they mean… why this chain of words came to me, in the midst of my day… yesterday…

 

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Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/10/13)

Daily Reflection (04/10/13)

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Time Management.

 

Rain is falling on Wednesday… Rain falls hard from the sky today. I don’t know what it is about the rain, but it always makes me feel in touch with my artistic expressions. It makes me want to write all day, allowing my heart to speak, and my soul to spill out all of its words!! Instead, I have had a million errands to run today, with no umbrella, so needles to say… I am a little damp!! …I don’t mind…

 

My dreams were interrupted last night by the loud booming of thunder in the sky. As my eyes popped open, and I lay there, gathering my current state of mind, and other random dreaming thoughts, I decided to roll out of bed and go to the kitchen and make peanut butter & honey in a tortilla, which is so yummmm…

 

Rain was pattering my kitchen window hard and quiet strikes of lightning would flash across the sky, followed by the rumble of the thunder as I stood in my kitchen… thinking of things…

 

Sometimes, our thoughts visit us and they do us no good. Have you ever talked yourself into something that is much less than you thought? Have you ever made things a bigger deal in your head?

 

Don’t believe everything you think!!

 

In the past few weeks, I have had a lot going on… to say the least. It can be hard to maintain a balance in your life, when you are being pulled in so many directions. When you have to be so many places, there just isn’t enough time. Or when you need to do one thing in order to do another, yet, your time is pulling you away from it with another arising problem or obligation… I mean, phew!! I feel like a juggling act at the circus!! Like, lets see how much shit we can pile on top of Jen before she collapses!!

 

I also try to make time to eat, rest, read, and write (which has been seldom lately due to my ever so busy life) and to do something fun! It is important to make time for fun & laughter!! Laughter is the very best medicine, and very good for the soul!!

 

So, am I managing my time well? No. Not really. I could do better. I’m behind on my writing, on my reading, and my e-mails are piling up. I am working a full-time job on top of balancing my volunteer work and I am facing a murder trial next month for the person who killed my brother. (As if that isn’t enough stress… there is more…)

 

I know that we can’t get the answers to all these perplexing life boggles… but we can always reach out, for help or just to talk, and if you are like me, a proud proud person… it is OK to need a helping hand!! ((I sometimes fall because of my refusal to ask for help… I feel, too much pride to ask for such a thing and quite frankly, I don’t like the attention)) But this truth is foolish!! In reality, we are human. I am human. I am not perfect. I cannot get everything done all at once. And if I need a little help just to breathe or balance myself out, that is perfectly normal.

 

For the few things I left out of my BIG TO-DO LIST up there… it’s because they are a bit more private. But regardless, this woman has a lot going on in her busy life!! I am trying to make myself aware that I need to manage my time better, in order to get all my obligations done and goals met.

 

I hope the day finds you well!!

 

Where ever you are, open your eyes and look for something that is remarkable that you may not have noticed before…Trust me, there are things to see that you have not noticed before!! No moment is ordinary… find the remarkable…

 

♥Jen

 

Tryst Thought : Remember… Don’t believe everything you think!! Sometimes our minds can poison us a little… believe it or not!!

 

 
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