The Moment – Post Traumatic Stress

The Moment

Post Traumatic Stress

**

And then one day

You are somewhere in the world

With this feeling deep inside

A feeling that something is wrong

You just know

That something is not  right

You don’t know what it is

But it is something

This feeling is real

Unknown to what your senses are telling you

You tell the feeling to go away

Go away … you say

Just go

You don’t know what else to say …

 

That’s when the moment arrives

The moment you are brought into the white room

Told to sit down and listen

Told that this will be some difficult news

 

At first I heard the words

Echoing inside my head

Echo … echo … echo …

No no … he can’t be dead

No no … you must be wrong

No no … it can’t be my person

No no … you don’t understand

No no … please check again

No no … You’ve got the wrong man

Right … ?

What … ?

Oh no … don’t say the words

Oh no … no no no not my brother

Oh no …oh my God oh my God

Oh no … I can’t feel my hands

Oh no … my chest is tight

Oh no … I am gasping for air

Oh no … this doesn’t feel real

Oh no … no no no not my little brother

Oh no … no no

My knees hit the floor

My hands slip as I try to brace my fall

Dizzy in my head

Blur … blur … blur

My sight is seeing red

On the ground with people all around

Muffled are their voices

Blurred by my tears

Drowning my eyes inside my head

Say it’s not true

My brother can’t be dead

I must get out of here

As I am now trapped in hell

No where to go

No where to run

I need some air

I’m coming undone

I stand up on my legs

They quiver in physical shock

My throat is tight & dry

Get me out of this room

Am I really here right now

This can’t be real … it can’t be real

I take myself outside

Underneath the sky

Looking up into the clouds

Looking for his face somewhere …

Screaming … I start to scream NO

Screaming … SCREAMING … scream

I scream his name over and over

Hand on my breaking heart

Bent over I sob … I sob

I can’t seem to catch my breath

I can’t seem to let myself feel

That any of this … is real

This can’t be real, right?

This can’t be real …

This can’t be real …

That’s my brother … my baby brother

That’s my life … he is a part of me

Oh no … I love him so much

So much, my brother … NO

Shock …

I’m in shock …

Panic …

I start to panic …

No no … I’m not done!!

I’m just not finished

I have things to tell him

I have things to say

I have to let him know

Oh my God … I didn’t tell him goodbye

He needs to  hear me say ‘I love you’ one more time

One more time … just once more

I … I am not

Finished

I … have so much to

Oh no … no not my brother … no

Why?

How?

What happened?

Where did he go?

What did he need?

Why Dave oh no … why?

What am I supposed to do now?

I need you here

What about mom & dad

They need us both

They are getting older

I told them that I’d always be here for you Dave

I told them that you will be ok

I can’t breathe … I just can’t breathe

Let me catch my breath …

Someone tell me something

Someone tell me what to do

What am I supposed to do

My whole life had you in it

Life doesn’t make sense without you

And the last time we spoke …

Oh my God … the last time

The last time we spoke was the last time we spoke

It was the last time I’d ever hear your voice

I didn’t know that … I didn’t know

How could I know that

I’m sorry … I’m sorry

I need to call your phone

I’m calling your phone

It’s ringing … ringing

I hear your voice

Bus it’s your voice mail

I’m holding the phone

My eyes are burning

My heart is aching

I slide down the wall

Phone drops to the floor

I sob for you … I sob

Tell me this isn’t real

This isn’t real

Hole

There is a hole in my heart

 

Now what …

 

~ Sis

 

**

 

This is something I felt like trying to put into words.

I didn’t do it much justice … these words are so light, compared to … this event that haunts me and recurs in my mind all the time … no justice.

**

ღ

 

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

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Many Nights, Oh How I Wish …

Many Nights, Oh How I Wish …

A Poem on Tryst

The day that comes

When I can look into the eyes

Of my very own creation

Holding their tiny hand of life

I will remember the days

Before that very moment

The forever wishing

And Praying of words

That I would be given

A tiny part of me

Deep inside of me

There has always been

This strong urge to be

A giver of life

Waiting for the day

To have a family of my own

Oh how I dream and desire

Wishing upon many of stars

Many things

I know I will say

Lessons to teach

And reasons to give

Follow your dreams

Don’t sacrifice your heart

Give love everyday

Most of all to yourself

Be kind to the world

To all its living things

Treat others the same

Be accountable and don’t blame

Learn from falling

Be strong and get right back up

It’s ok to cry

But don’t forget to smile and laugh

So I bequeath to you

The wisdom’s that I know

So that you

Never fall into the puddles

That I tragically did

If this day ever comes

If I’m ever given this gift

If the universe finds me fit

To show another my way

And love them when they find theirs …

Oh how I wish

For another part of me

And of him, of course

I am tired of being selfish

I am ready to do for another

I am done with the nonsense

Of all the little things that just don’t matter

Oh how I wish

For another part of me

And of him, of course …

~J. Lefever~

10/24/13

ღ

*****

ღ

 

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Daily Reflection on Tryst – Letting Go of Yesterday

Daily Reflection on Tryst

October 22, 2013

Letting Go of Yesterday …

Today my thought is simple. I want to remind myself and others while I’m at it, that there is no point in fussing over the past. The past is over and there is nothing you can do about it. How much time have you wasted into fussing over this and that about your yesterday?

Of course I am mainly pointing this advice towards myself today … I have a current situation that has me … quite pissed actually, pissed about some things that happened about a year ago. About a year ago!?!?! How stupid is this then? There is nothing I can do to change these events, there is no amount of time I can spend trying to explain them, or justify them, or rationalize them in any way. The time has passed. The events took place. And I have since moved on from all of it.

These events have consequences though. Those consequences are what I am currently dealing with and thus explain my pissy, fussy, bitter attitude and my sense of regret.

I am reminded on a daily basis right now about my foolishness a year ago … the fact that I listened to my heart instead of my head a year ago … the fact that I majorly sacrificed my safely and well-being for the sake of another a year ago … the face that my life and my parent’s life will be highly affected if this ends badly because of this other person and my inability to remove myself from the situation a year ago … I a reminded on a daily basis that it get me nowhere, ever, loving another person MORE than I love myself!!! If I love another more than I love me, look how much shit I have to deal with … only because I made some serious sacrifices, and excuses for this person.

I am the fool who loved someone else more than I loved my own self and as a result … I am paying for it greatly right now.

But this is still all a pointless waste of my time! And everyone else’s whom I might bother with the banter and conversation about this shit. So, what can I do?

I can think about what I CAN do for my future and to move on with the best outcome and the best results for this situation and these events. Nope, I sure as hell can’t change the past but I can make a difference on what happens today and tomorrow.

So that is what I am doing. Stop with the bullshit fuss about what I wish I would have or have not done a year ago and get on with the best course of action to make my present and my future more pleasant … and make this past situation, end peacefully.

Phew … glad I got that off my chest!! I needed to vent a little!!! Of course, this matter is personal and so I am vague about the what-have-you’s … but that’s my business. I only wanted to reflect here on the pointlessness of fussing over things that have already happened. Put energy into today and tomorrow and you’ll be much better off!!!

Oh, and NEVER love someone else MORE than you love yourself. Period. Ever. Never do that. Because no one will ever love you or have your back as much as you do. People are NOT selfless like that. I learn the hard way when I act selfless towards someone (Someone in particular) That ‘sacrifice’ , whether they say it or not, would most likely never be returned. People are too selfish to put you before them. It makes me sad to think about this reality because it is honestly not how I am. I never feel good when I am acting selfish, so it is hard for me to wrap my head around this ‘loving yourself more’ but it is a powerful truth and wisdom.

I think I need to find a good balance between the two … being selfless still towards others, but still loving myself enough, if not a little more … plenty, or just right! 🙂

I hope you have a great day Tryst Family!! XO – Jen

 

*****

ღ

  ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

Whispers … (Revisited)

This is something I wrote some time ago for my Soul to Shine space. Tryst is, and will always be, my main blog writing space with the most content and the deepest looks into my truths and my realities … but I created my little Soulshine space for the little pieces with a BIG meaning.

The history and story of what Soulshine is to me and how it came about in my life is something that I have not really shared in great detail. For those who know me, understand what Soulshine is just by knowing me and how my energy works. I am alive in my heart, I am alive in my spirit and everywhere I go, I am a giver and sharer of my Soulshine. I honestly can’t imagine being any other way … and why would I? This is who I am.

Sometimes fewer words have a much bigger impact. That is what you will find in Soul To Shine.

Here on Tryst, I write much more …

I cut and paste this little bit because it suddenly POPPED up in my notifications the other day, and as I said, I wrote it some time ago. This little notification brought me to this piece and I read through it.

This was a Free Write. And one of my favorite Free Writes. So I wanted to share it here … because, well, because I just did.

I hope it reaches someone … anyone … even just one single soul … and they enjoy reading the words as much as I did when writing them.

XoXo

Whispers

…she is the moon, up in the sky… she becomes the stars, when you make her cry… her music sings painful melodic blues, telling of times when she had felt used… when you hear her whispering words in the air, listen closely to what you hear… she is telling you that the world can be cold, but you can still have love that is warm to hold… she will tell you that pain will make you stronger, by giving you wisdom to living longer… she will tell you to be aware of all of your time, because time is short and you can’t rewind… she will tell you that yesterday has come and gone, don’t live in the past, it’s a truthful song… she whispers that love is the ultimate gift, to have, to hold, to give, and to wish… so love with your heart, and let your soul shine on through, and never, ever, stop being true to you…

 …Jen Lefever

*****

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  ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

♥

Karma Police

Karma Police

*** Tryst Free Write ***

Sitting, waiting and watching … patiently … is Karma.

People may not ever realize that Karma is watching, or that it is even real … but it is.

Karma has much more patience than we can even imagine. That is why when we are stumbling around, down here on earth, waiting for someone’s Karma to show up, or even our own, and we can’t understand why it is taking so long.

Well, Karma, I have learned, waits for the perfect moment. A moment that we can’t see coming, a moment that we are totally unaware of, a moment that we can’t even anticipate. There are all reasons for Karma, and why it exists, and how it works … Karma is the link to our inner most judge and jury, that of which knows us better than we know ourselves. Karma always knows when we have lied, cheated, stolen, hurt out of vengeance, acted out of pride, hidden out of gluttony and lied out of lust … yes, there are many things that we do as people, and there are many things we think we keep to ourselves, things that we think no one knows … but even if that is so, even if we were extremely careful, and did not get caught, even if we were able to keep something we have done a complete secret from anyone and everyone, except ourselves, even if this is so, we can never keep secrets from Karma (And of our God, as we understand him) … I believe that those 2 things, those 2 infinite beings, those 2 incredibly powerful entities always know what is in our hearts, minds and souls. Karma and our power of a higher being always know if we have good intent, if we are really trying, when we are really hurting, when and if we are right or wrong, if we are treating others well & kind, if we are treating ourselves well & kind, if our intent is good and for the better, if we have really changed our ways for the better, if we are real or not, if our actions match up to our lives and if our lives match up to our thoughts and if our thoughts match up to our inner most wants, needs and desires … they know, us better than we can even imagine, they know what we are doing, what we deserve and where we are going …

I get lost thinking of these things … a lot lately.

I think of these things as I go through this murder trial … praying for justice for the life of my brother, and yet, all the while knowing that none of it really matters. I won’t ever see my brother again. So, none of it really matters.

But Karma, Karma watches … waits … and as much as I want Karma to come down and get to work on the person who killed Dave, I know that I have a long time to wait for Karma to show up on this matter. I know that Karma will. I believe that you can’t possibly take a life, a life that wasn’t even threatening another, take it and just walk away, unaffected by it, with no life consequences upon your own … this cannot be the way it works in the world. Not under this sky, not under the power of higher being who watches us and protects us … this cannot be. So, I believe that Karma will show up, quite some time from now, in its usual fashion, at a time and place beyond my understanding, to pay its dues …

Impatient me waits … for patient Karma Police … to show up and teach someone a lesson … even though I know that, no matter what, Karma will never hurt this person as much as this person has hurt me and my family … Karma doesn’t work that way …

Karma teaches us in other ways …

Has Karma ever taught you?

Has Karma ever given you pain to feel?

Have you learned to change your ways because of the things that Karma has shown you?

~J. Lefever

(10/09/13)

*****

ღ

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Time After Time

Time

I have often been puzzled over the apparent acceleration of time as I get older.  Why does time seem to go by so much faster now than when I was younger?  I conclude this to be a personal matter of perception, a phenomenon provoked by my growing awareness of my own mortality, the fact that I’ve crossed over into my 30′s and it may be more challenging to think of the glass half full as opposed to half empty… but I continue to remain quite positive.

Personal perception or the reality of time itself, I have always harbored a certain resentment towards time.  I do look back with regret over many things, over time that I’ve wasted, or all things I should have done, said, went to, not said and not done.  As I move forward, I strive to make the most of the rest of my life.  My life, my path, my karma, my choices, all monumental and moving in their own ways, have shaped and remarkably changed me, and I refuse to be one of those that says, “I wish I would have…”  But some days, I’m still rendered unsatisfied with where I am in life, all the while knowing that I’m on my way, I can’t get it all in one short day, there is a whole process to getting from point A to point B.  I sometimes go to bed at night and nag at myself for the things I didn’t get done that day, reminding myself that the process takes time, and I still have tomorrow.  But how many tomorrow’s I have, there is no guarantee there, but that’s a whole other conversation in itself.

In my past experiences, it’s all the in-between that seems to be the most memorable.  All the things that happened from A to B, and in those memories, the time I remember I not only cherish, but I share, I logically pick apart, I pass on, I write about, I analyze, and I recognize as valuable to my life and to the pieces of me that make up my spirit..

Time.  Everyone knows that time can be quick and slow.  Sharp and quiet, long and short, true and false, and all of these at once.  Everyone knows that time is not a fixed commodity.  Time is not mechanical, uniform, steadfast, or absolute.  Time, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.  There is no universal clock ticking off the seconds by which we all grow.  Everyone knows that time is relative, slippery, illogical, and unchangeable.  The time in each day is a predictably proportioned sequence of morning, noon, and night, and just like the day before, we can expect the same today and tomorrow.

Time.  We have means of measurement that have themselves been often altered to be the most precise and accurate, evidence of our attempts to nail down time and gain a sense that we are one step ahead… But no matter how persistent (or consistent) we are in measuring time, it still eludes us.  Time itself is something else again, not a thing at all but a force like the wind, undeniable but invisible, and yet evidence of it is apparent everywhere, for better or worse, it’s effects are all around us.

***

I have written about time before and found in the process, then and now, that most of what I think I know about time seems to change, depending on the time of my life that I’ve chosen to analyze my thoughts on this popular paradoxical subject of mine.  But how many ways can we reference time?  Time passes, time flies, time flows.  Time, we have been told, is a gift.  Time is an avenger, a devourer, a destroyer, a disordered thing.  Time, we hope, heals all wounds.  We talk about spending time, serving time, doing time.  We talk about buying time, borrowing time, stealing time.  At one time or another, we have all had time on our hands, time to squander, time to kill.  More often we say we are pressed for time: like a shirt, like grapes for wine, like a flower in a book, like a hand against a heart.  Time, we say, has run out on us: like milk, luck, or an unfaithful significant other.  So much time, we complain, is lost: like sunglasses, car keys, or our souls…

Time, I once thought, has always been a monkey on our backs.  Time, like gravity, is irrefutable.  Time, I once read, is just God’s way of keeping everything happening at once.  We teach our kids to tell time: like a fortune, a lie, or a story.  The truth is you cannot tell a story without it.  Time is the medium of history and change.  Without time, history does not exist.  Neither does a story of any kind.  In a story, one thing happens after another…and then and then and then.  Time is the natural propellant of narrative, and one of the luxuries of story is being able to move around in time in ways you never can in real life.

The truth is, you cannot even write one single sentence without it.  Past. Present. Future. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. Beginning. Middle. End. Sooner or later. Then and now… It was once said that time is the longest distance between two places.  One of those places is then, the other is now.  Is it an accident that the word, then, refers to both the past and the future?  While the word, now, is just an attempt to isolate the present moment?

As much as I think of time, I find it hard to imagine the end of time.  I can’t imagine the end of time with my family and loved ones, or their end of time on Earth.  And even as it is impossible for me to imagine the end of time, the end of the world, still I also believe that time itself will continue, even if all else ends.  I am predisposed to eternity.  I find infinity easier to believe in then some future moment when time itself will stop.  Truthfully, the more I think about time, the less I understand it, the less I grasp any sense of it.  I do know for certain that I have lived through time, my time, extraordinary time, and ordinary time.  I have wasted time, served time, done time, had productive time. I have had precious time, memorable time, remarkable time, incredible time. I have had too much time and not enough.  I have waited for time to go by and wished that it would just stop dead in its tracks.  I have had time to laugh and time to cry.  I have thought of time as my enemy and also as my friend.  I have been in time, on time, and beyond it… Just as I have always been, I am, and I will be.

~ Jen Lefever

*****

 

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

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Soul Graffiti ~ A Tryst Anniversary Post

Soul Graffiti

A Tryst Anniversary Post

I have had so much going on that I didn’t even realize that today is the 1 year Anniversary of Tryst!! My life has taken me through many moments in the last 12 months, but when looking back, I know that I stand even taller and even wiser than I did last September. Just like any person, I have made mistakes, but I always get up, brush myself off and move forward. My years of being ignorant and blind to my faults are even farther behind me now. The lessons I have learned, some through success and others through personal failure, are what make my Soulshine even brighter today than ever before. I know that I have this empty space, and that space will never feel quite right again, but in the absence of my brother who was taken so tragically and violently from me and my family, I carry his spirit with me in everything that I do.

I can proudly say today that my life is clean, truthful and good. I think about my family and loved ones before I make decisions and I am selfish in the right kind of ways, selfish enough to eliminate the shitty people who claim to be a friend, who claim to have my back, but so foolishly in my innocence and sensitivity I believed these claims as these people only turned out to stab me in the back, as opposed to ever having it. (I am really only referring to a very small number of people, two or three to be exact — as the ones I have in my life now are wholesome and good and have shown it in every step they make, and we all know that actions speak much louder than words … words are only words & words are meaningless when they come from a source who is only fooling themselves in life … I pray for those people)

This morning has been hard, as the trial continues with no resolve as of yet for the person responsible for killing my brother. I was reminded of a lesson today, and that it, when you are right, when you are true, you need no defense. There is no reason to defend the truth because it speaks for itself. Only the guilty get defensive and only the guilty get mean and ugly to people and only the hateful, selfish and cruel turn and lash out at someone who they know is good because the goodness of the other person clashes with their darkness and inner self loathing. So, for those people, I bless you and pray that someday you find some self-love and a true sense of peace. I have made many mistakes, yes, but I love myself more today than I ever have and it shows in my life, in my smile, in the things I do, in my personal success … my true self-love and my sense of peace and harmony with myself shows in my heart, on my face, and in every way I live my life. I do not waste my time anymore and I have become way too strong to let anyone take advantage of me, and this is something that I let many people do for many years.

When a person changes, especially makes positive & strong changes, they may not get a good review from their network of people who have always counted on them to be weak, or to screw up, or to be the one they can point a finger at and say, “At lease that isn’t me!!” And so when you get your love, strength and wisdom’s and leave that old ‘you’ behind, you will find yourself leaving behind many of the people who you thought were in your corner, when in fact, they were only using you this whole time.

Life is not always easy. And death has taught me so much … about everything!! But I can tell you that life is also very beautiful. And when you have love, real love, there are no words needed to explain it. It just is. And when you have real truth, there are no words needed to defend it, because it just is. And when you have real forgiveness, real happiness, real peace, real love and real kindness, you never waste one minute waking up in the morning, harboring negative energy, or lashing out to another, with the only intent to hurt them. When YOU are REAL, the world knows it in everything that you do. You don’t have to hide your hatred or ugliness because you NEVER practice these things. You just get to be you, all the time, and let your heart and soul do the work.

I still struggle with things. I still go back and forth. But I can proudly say that I hold myself accountable for the things I have done, otherwise, I wouldn’t have the mind and soul that I do today. In the last year I have cried more tears than in my whole life put together, losing my brother, my best friend, my world, has been the most difficult thing I have ever been through, by far the most painful. It has made me realize that there is so much peddley shit that I have been hurt by, or cried over, or let bother me … and let me say, I DO NOT lose sleep or shed tears over people or things that are not worthy of them. I can thank my brother for teaching me that. But I do fall apart and cry for him. I probably always will. He was one of the best people I have ever known, a heart of gold, and now I have only memories.

While I think about these things, I feel overwhelmed with all that I have to say, and all that I have learned over the last year. Too many words, too many thoughts, too many reasons why and why not … but here I am, here I stand, alive and well and here to tell all my stories, share my success and shed light upon the reasons of my falls. I am neither worse or better than … but I am good, I am great, I am proud, I am honest, I am kind, I am always trying to better myself, I am living a life that is peaceful, I have more love today and I don’t over look that, I cherish it as a blessing, and while I give love, just as I receive it, I continue to bless this world, the people around me, and all the wandering souls who are still searching or healing.

I hope my brother has his hand on me and can see the things that I am doing … and in any moment of weakness, as I am still a human and I will still make mistakes, I only ask for the strength to continue on the path that I am currently on, because I am very proud of who I am becoming … I am very proud.

Here is to my ONE year of writing on Tryst and sharing all my chaos with my Tryst Friends and Family!! Here is to ONE year of my documenting all the graffiti that is written on my soul!! I have over 700 readers and I love each and every one of you!!! May Tryst continue to grow, may I continue to grow, and may we all keep holding each others hands in the rain, in the sunshine and while our Soul’s shine … cause you all know that nothing is better than that. Nothing feels better than Soulshine.

Love – And have a beautiful day

Jen Lefever

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