Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/13/13)

Daily Reflection (05/13/13)

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Not Getting A Goodbye

As I move through the stages of grief, I go through many emotional ups & downs. I have been through things in my life that were very hard, some tragic, some self-inflicted, others were influenced by others, things that left deep scars, lies and betrayal, death, but no one as close as my own brother. I have never felt these kinds of emotions, or this level of pain, ever.

In my mind, I go over & over the events of the day my brother was killed. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? What was he doing? Where was he going? And then things about the actual event that took his life… what happened? How can this have even been a real event… it this really real? It is a mental circus… a mental torture in which I can’t even begin to put into words.

Me being such an analytical person, always wanting and needing to know the answers to everything in this world, the ‘not-knowing’ drives me crazy. It drives me crazy and it makes me very angry and it makes me cry and it makes me scream for my brother… All of this, emotion, pours out of me and I’m not the only one. My mother, who has a death certificate for her son. My father, who had to bury his baby boy. We are all changed. We are all broken. We are all damaged. We all have a hole in our hearts. Our lives will never be complete.

Even when we experience moments of joy and happiness… there will always be something, our someone, that is missing…

In my thinking this weekend, I came across the thought that… one of the hardest parts about this is, not getting to say goodbye. Losing my brother the way that I did, was, unceremonial. One minute of the day, and he was just… gone. There was nothing I could do, no where I could go, completely helpless…

 

I hate that I didn’t get to say goodbye…

I didn’t get to tell him I love him…

I didn’t get to tell him any of the million things I have yet to say…

I wasn’t finished…

I wasn’t done making memories with my brother…

 

My life with him was just over, in one second, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye…

 

If you have a sibling, I cannot stress the importance of telling them you love them, every single time you speak. No matter what… tell them you love them…

 

Have a great day Tryst.

 

XOXO ~ Jen’

 

Tryst Thought : Everywhere I go, I carry him with me. But it’s not the same. It is not ever going to be the same…

 *****

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Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/06/13)

 

Daily Reflection (05/06/13)

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Bumps in the Road

 

Monday. Mid-day. I have frittata on the brain…. Seriously. I came across this frittata dish with carmalized cauliflower, creme’ fraiche’, paprika, and smoked mozz… of course with eggs and OMG!! My mouth is salivating, for real. Anyway… moving on…

 

How was everyone’s weekend? I sure hope it was great!! Mine was a day short, cause I worked 6 days this week, and yesterday, some classic family drama went down… never a dull moment, huh? I am not going to report the shit storm I went through yesterday, mostly because it’s so ridiculous this time, it’s not worthy of both my time and my words… Anyway… moving on…

 

Today, When I was driving to work, I hit a pot hole in the road. Clunk, clunk.. SHIT! I just got two new tires on my ride… Nothing was wiggling or vibrating, or felt abnormal, so I figured all was just fine. Just hit the pot hole, right? But isn’t that the story of my life? Aren’t I always falling in the pot holes?

 

This reminded me of that story, ‘There is a hole in the sidewalk’, or something like that… you can google it and probably find the story I’m talking about, it’s kinda been around… Or I’ll not be lazy and give you the LINK HERE!! OK! Now we are on the same page…

 

This little story has a really great message. Sometimes we make the same mistakes, even when we know that it can harm us, make things hard, difficult or painful. Yet, for some reason, some things in life are just harder lessons. Some things take falling down a few times before we learn to go the other way. We may repeat a mistake, but eventually, we learn to do the right thing for us. I hope you followed my link to the piece ‘There is a Hole in My Sidewalk’… this is a story that is used often in recovery. In regards to addiction, we fall down a lot before we finally chose the different road…

 

Today, think about the roads you have walked upon in life. How often have you fallen into a hole? How about a hole that you knew was there, yet you fall in it anyway?

 

We kick ourselves when we make foolish mistakes, saying, ‘WTF!! I totally knew better!!’ This is OK. It happens! As long as you hold yourself accountable for your actions & choices, instead of denying them. And if you ever apologize for something, know that if you are really sorry, you try not to do it again! That is the true meaning of being sorry.

 

I hope you all have a super day Tryst!!

 

XOXO ~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : I know the part that hurts the most when it comes to what I am facing right now with the family… the fact that no one seems to hold themselves accountable for their part of things. I find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that some people really think they have done NO wrong, and even when they have someone standing in front of them, telling them how they have been hurtful, they still stand there and deny having any responsibility to their actions, basically telling me that my feelings are NOT valid… which is a very hurtful thing to say to someone.

 

Oh, and when words get put in my mouth that I NEVER said… that hurts too. I have made this statement before: Just because words come out of someone’s mouth, doesn’t make them true.

 

So, we fall into holes. Learn how to get out of the holes. Maybe fall in them again… but eventually, we get sick of falling and choose a different path.

 

XO

 

*****
 
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Evening Reflection on Tryst (05/01/13)

Evening Reflection (05/01/13)

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Karma Points

In life… things are not easy. We do not know all the answers. We do not always make the right choices. We screw up, we succeed. We win, we lose. We smile, we frown… we laugh, we cry. Yes, we do all of these things… and so much more!! Our emotions allow us to feel, our minds allow us to think and make choices.

 

Just because we make a mistake, doesn’t always mean the outcome of that mistake is something we didn’t care about. I say this because… in my life, I have made mistakes without even thinking of the outcome!!Sounds silly, I know… but this actually happens a lot. Especially to those people who are really ‘live-for-the-moment’ kinds, those personality types who are more sporadic, maybe braver, chance takers… extremists… yes, that is me.

 

I think that we have karma points. I think that we do get chances. I think that in the cosmic realm of things… the universe and all its infinite higher powers, and elements, knows when people are of a good soul, or of a bad soul. ((Here is where I struggle with the concept that there are really such souls out there that are bad… but at this point in my life… it know this to be true. Even someone I know, and love so much, can have a bad… oh nevermind… )) ANYWAY~ my point is..

 

Take chances. Live your life. Check in with yourself. Understand it is OK to mess up. You are human. You are going to mess things up sometimes! And if you do… don’t ever allow someone, who says they love you, tell you that if you ever mess up they are done with you! (( Like a parent.. or something… ))

 

No one deserves to hear that!! Love is NOT conditional on mess up’s, or anything!! Love, real love, has no rules.

 

I hope the night finds you well!! I hope you all have some good karma points saved up!!

XOXO ~ Jen

 

*****

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Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/30/13)

Daily Reflection (04/30/13)

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You & Your Negativity

 

Hello Tryst Family!! How does the day find you? Wonderful & warm in the sunshine.. I hope!! Things have been very productive for me lately. It is only Tuesday and I am getting so much done this week! I love that feeling of great accomplishment when you know that you, and only you, are responsible for the great things that are happening in your life. It’s a good feeling for sure!!

 

As for the other side of things, well, the trial that is coming up for the person who took my brother from me has been pushed back another few months. There was actually a court appearance last week, but my mother didn’t feel it was important enough to call and tell me. Instead she took her daughter-in-law and her friends to this hearing, while I, her actual daughter and sister to the victim, sat at home, unaware that this event took place. My mother is really good at making me feel like I am not a part of this family. So, as the story continues to go, I have to figure out what is the best for me in my life. I am just too important to myself to not have my best interests at heart.

 

While the tears do fall for the unknown reasons why my mother shuts me out, there are parts of me that feel like I’ll never be enough. I have written on this before. But then I think about my life… my actual life… all the things I’ve done and all the things I am doing… and I realize that it is truly my mothers loss. She is missing out on a fun person in her life, because I am full of that stuff I call soulshine! I am also the spark of positivity that floats around my family… even after all the blah and tragedy. I still try to stay up-beat.

 

Someone said to me, “Your mother should be proud of you for the incredible changes you have made! Your life is completely different!” Maybe this is true… but I can’t force my mother to think things. I am just not that powerful. She thinks what she wants and honestly… she is the most negative piece in my life. I do not have that angry, negative and mean energy from anyone else. As a result, as sad as this makes me, I have to eliminate the negative piece from my life. I just don’t want anything to do with it.

 

Not to mention this gloomy, down in the dumps shit, she throws my past in my face every time I see her! And frankly, I do not live in my past anymore. Not any part of my yesterday is currently my today. I don’t need to defend myself either. I have my integrity at the end of the day, and with each rising sun, I know that I don’t deserve to be put through the emotional roller-coaster she sends me on every other month.

 

I don’t deserve it. I am better than that.

 

My reflection today is on negativity. When you are a negative person, everything in your life sucks. You are blinded from anything good, even when it is staring you in the face! You wake up angry or mad, and everything is just terrible. You certainly don’t like to see people happy and enjoying their lives because there you are, in your rain puddle, complaining about your life and everyone else. Of course, the negative people never hold themselves accountable for why they are always in a crummy mood. It is always someone elses fault. What someone else did or didn’t do. When really, they clearly don’t see that to the rest of the world, they aren’t fooling anyone but themselves. To the rest of the world, we can see that they project their crummy negativity on to others, especially their family and loved ones, when they really need to look in the mirror and realize that they are negative and crummy and it is all their fault. It is not the world around them.

 

It is obvious that a person is negative when they literally ‘fish’ for things to complain about when they should be practicing gratitude for the things they do have. What makes me even more sad and ashamed of people who act like this is when these people ‘preach’ about the exact things they are NOT doing… like being kind, compassionate, supportive, and forgiving… just to name a few… and yes, this directly relates to my situation.

 

(Shaking my head)

 

Life is too short to waste living like this. And if you find yourself alone, you might ask yourself why… if it really is everyone else that is the problem, then why is it YOU are the ONE ALONE? Maybe it’s time to start practicing what you preach, instead of being negative and crummy and pointing a finger.

 

I hope to spread positive things and messages in my life. I don’t walk with the negative because, truthfully, I can’t stand it. And while it makes me sad to have to realize that even my mother is one of those terribly negative elements in my life, I choose to eliminate it because I refuse to put up with the put downs. I just won’t do it anymore.

 

Have a great day Tryst Fam!! If you encounter a negative person… run the other direction!! XOXO

 

~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : As people, we suffer from addictions. Some are addicted to booze, others pills… some are addicted to sex, or shopping or gambling… but then there are some who are addicted to drama and pain. I believe that there are some people who just do not know how to live happy and enjoy their time. Instead, they spend their whole lives being miserable and making those who they are around miserable too.

 

I am so grateful that I have a heart and soul that is not hooked on drama and pain…

 

*****
 
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ღDaily Reflection on Trystღ (04/25/13)

Daily Reflection (04/25/13)

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So Damn Disappointed!!

 

 “If you don’t like something, change it.
If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.”

Mary Englebreit

 

There are so many things going on in my life right now. I am trying to balance everything, stay afloat, stay productive, and remain positive and healthy. These are all good things that we all need to maintain good/healthy lives. Well, things don’t always go as planned, or as expected. When we interact with other’s, or put expectations on others, whether or not those people follow through, can leave us satisfied, or diappointed.

That is why I preach and preach that it is so super important to always have your own back!! You can always count on yourself… yet… even we let ourselves down sometimes, right?

The feeling of being disappointed is not a good one. Depending on the situation, it can make us sad, frustrated, mad, or absolutely berserk or irate!! Last night, I felt some disappointment that make me berserk and irate!! And as I was sitting there, feeling all of these emotions that came in a terrential emotional mini-drama, sadness, rage, utterly hurt… I had to let myself feel these things and work my way through this shitty situation in a positive way with out causing more drama or havoc by making things worse by being just completely out of control.

So I did some thinking.

First, I let myself feel the disappointment. It’s ok to feel this. I checked in and acknowledged what I was feeling. It’s ok to feel this way. Just don’t dwell on it!! I told myself to go ahead and feel whatever I was feeling, but not get stuck on it… and then move on.

Then I focused on the big picture of the situation. Looking into the details of my ‘Shitty let down’. Perspective in really important… but this is where I tuned into some gratitude. What did I have, as opposed to the things I felt I missed? This is that positive thinking that can be tough at times, but no matter how let down you are, you need to remember that you still have things to be grateful for, and recognizing them will help pull your mind out of that dark place.

Next, I asked myself if there was anything I could change about the situation. Well, in most cases, when the damage is done, it is irreverseable… but there are still things you can do to move on, right? In my case, I couldn’t change what had happened. It was too late. It was already in the past. And we all know that we can’t change the past, we can’t go back there… so move the hell on!! I don’t live in the past. I live in the present. Is there anything I can do to prevent this from being a future disappointment, yes! There is.. now I am getting somewhere!!

Change the way you see things!! Like the quote above. It’s easy to wallow in self pity… but who wants to do that? I hate being in that place! No good comes of it! If you want to handle your disappointment in a positive way, change the way you think about it. Re-frame your mind on the whole situation… and figure out things you can do instead.

Hope. Believe that there is hope. Have some hope!! When facing disappointments, it’s so easy to be beaten down, to believe that situations are hopeless, and to give up the belief that things will eventually work out. No matter what you do, don’t let your let down bring you completely down. Keep reminding yourself to have hope and know that, despite the fresh pain of a new disappointment, you always have the ability to hope for good things coming your way in the future. Believe in yourself. Believe in hope.

I hope you all have a super great day Tryst Family!!

And remember, No matter you’re facing, no matter how hard it is, don’t forget that you are not alone.

Tryst Thought: Every day people face disappointments of all kinds — from a tiny missed opportunity to a life-altering letdown — and every day people overcome these difficulties and move forward with their lives. Initially it might seem difficult, but handling disappointments well is an essential part of living a positive life. If you want to live positively in the present moment, you must let go of life’s letdowns and focus on the good things in your life. Easy? Not always. Essential? Absolutely.

XoXo Jen

*****

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Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/23/13)

Daily Reflection (04/23/13)

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What is Your Normal?

 Tuesday, late morning. At work, like any other normal day… yet, my life is far from normal. By that, I mean that things for me right now are a little nuts. There are some stressful situations that I am dealing with, and I can honestly say, I am not doing a very god job. At least, my husband tells me this. It seems there is always something that I should be doing differently, differently as in the way he handles things. I am constantly getting told that I handle my shit wrong, and he handles his shit right. If I went through life, reacting and thinking like him, then I wouldn’t have anything wrong… so he says. He says, his attitude and demeanor is always decent and correct and he just has a really great attitude about everything.

 

That all sounds really good…. but just because those are the words that fell out of his mouth, do nt make them true. What is he? A saint?

 

I’ll give him some credit though… he does coast through with a good attitude and demeanor some of the time… but not ALL of the time. Just last week, oh never mind. I can’t get into it. All I’m trying to get out here, vent, is that no one is perfect and handles their shit the right way ALL the time. No one is perfect. No one has all the answers. No one goes through life and never makes mistakes. And no one is normal.

 

This morning was unpleasant. I have things that I have to deal with, every single day, that I have been ‘putting-up’ with for so long now, praying for a change, anything, and here I find myself… the foolish woman still dealing with these things, and by chosing to have them in my life, it has taken a real toll on my happiness and joy. It is my fault for not removing those things. I hold myself accountable for that. But I can tell you, I am sick and fucking tired of defending where the stress is coming from. I think I’m sick and tired of defending myself period! When is enough enough? I am at the edge here. I have, in the last two years, been through more shit than ever in my entire life. Just in the last two years. What element either changed, or came to, my life in that time to tell me what the problem is…? Tell me I’m pointing a finger. I’m not. But there are outside influences that can make a person’s life a living hell, when I think about the time before these last two years… NONE of this stuff was going on. So, what am I to do? Keep fighting? Keep defending myself? Keep explaining?

 

I realize that this is putting things both blunt and a little vague at the same time. Is that even possible? I really am just beside myself here today. I think the light inside of me is barely holding on. What is the point? Are things past the point of no return? Where is the love anyway? I am told everyday that I question a certain someone’s love for me, but I think that person needs to realize the reasons that happens… there is always a reason… you don’t question one’s love when one loves you truly and purely everyday… there is always a reason…

 

I hope the day find everyone well. Thanks for allowing me to vent a little, and analyze too. (I am desperate for some answers here and getting nowhere which has rendered me really frustrated…)

 

Remember that your normal is not anthers normal. We are all built, and raised, differently. Just because something fits for you, doesn’t mean it fit’s for everyone else. Just because words come out, doesn’t make them true.

 

Don’t let another tell you that you are living your life wrong, or handling your stress, or pain, wrong. No one has the right to say that their way of handling things is the right way! I mean, come on… are you for real? What makes you the one who has all the answers to life? And where do you get these answers anyway… ‘Convenient theories for you Weekly’ ?

 

I am pretty fed-up these days…

 

~Jen

 

Tryst Thought: I have never really liked the word ‘normal’. I mean, what is normal anyway? What is normal to me may not be normal to another… I say ‘may-not’ but it is definitely not!! Just the way I grew up compared to the way, say my husband, grew up was completely different! My childhood was nothing like his, but it was normal to me.. as his was to him. So, I really don’t like the word ‘normal’.

 

It has been days since my last reflection… I don’t like that… And I don’t like the fact that this one is so negative. It may be negative, but the message here is for internal pride and strength. Please remember that!!

 

*****
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Is The Juice Worth The Squeeze? ~Tryst Insider

 

Is The Juice Worth The Squeeze? ~ Tryst Insider

I rolled out of bed this morning to get ready for my day. After a quick, hot shower I got dressed and dried my hair. Mascara and a little bronzer is all I apply to my face, I have never worn make-up really, and I threw a clip in my hair and was out the door. Headed to the Argosy Casino for my Noni’s 86th birthday brunch & gambling with my family!

On the way there, driving, I was deep in thought. (I do a lot of deep thinking when I’m alone in my car. I find it is a good place to think. When I’m alone, with no other influences, no distractions to divert my natural intuition… )

When faced with the decisions we make in life, we don’t always know in the beginning of things, if the conclusion is going to be a good one. Happy endings are not always predictable. Unfortunately, we don’t always know if things are going to be good for us, if things are going to be worth it, and especially when dealing with people, we certainly don’t know how things will turn out. We go into most relationships with blinders on. Most times, we are blinded by the delusional happiness of our hearts, telling us, “This is going to be so wonderful!” And things like, “I am so happy right now, there is no way that this happiness is going to change!” Then, sadly, we are bitch-slapped with the cold-harsh realities of ugly human nature and the good-hearted people are left dumb-founded by the truth that we were mistakenly wrong about the person, or situation, and our strength Is then tested by the ways we deal with ‘saving’ ourselves and getting our emotional safety back and loving ourselves.

I remind myself that I love myself. In these current moments, I love myself more than anything. I gotta come first. And no matter what, I know my future looks great because I have some wonderful blessings in my life that I will take advantage of. I have virtues inside of my soul that I will use. I will move forward and be fine, no matter what anyone says, because I just know I will. When I think of the things that have yet to come for me, I can’t help but to know that I am one of the good ones. I am one of the survivors. I have never quit. I have never given up. I have never not learned and grown stronger from the hard situations in my life. And for ALL of the situations I found myself in, that I may have been lead to blinded by the big feelings I have in my heart, that did not end the way I had first imagined, to those people who came at me displaying all the ways in which they are broken inside, and the ones who were rotten, mean and cruel, maybe either pointing fingers, placing some blame, using for material things, whatever the situational crap may be… in the end, I ask myself…

Was the juice worth the squeeze?

And inside my beating heart & soul, I ALWAYS know the answer to that question!!

~ J. Lefever

Tryst Thought ~ No matter how this sounds, to anyone, I don’t care… I have love for many people in this world & in my life, but… I love me more. I must have my back, no matter what. No matter what.

Take care of you!! XoXo

(Ya feel me Angie?)

*****
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