Hollow

c

Hollow

An empty space

Lingers in its silence

A dark corner haunts

Places I try to avoid

People’s faces

Are blank and cold

Everything I knew

Has left my reality

Leaving behind

My hollow soul

-J. Lefever

(12/11/13)

***

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

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Dark Intimidation

Hoping for a little feedback on this piece… I am submitting it for a poetry publication and I had to choose one piece from my collection of poetry and needless to say, I had a hard time. I went with this one for some reasons of my own, but to those who have read my words, I am curious to know… your opinion on this particular piece… Is it too short, too simple, too depressing,  too dark, too vague.. or it is deep, strong, sensitive, sad.. Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated. ~ Jen

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Dark Intimidation

 

Sensitive, fear
Suffocating me
Covers every inch
Harboring me
Scream into its silence, but
No one hears a word
Darkness so thick
It muffles my tiny sound
Making my way
As if I’m in a maze
The puzzle is its chaos
Playing tricks on my mind
Luring me further & further
Down deep, to it’s very core
Obsessed by the challenge…

I find myself again
Without steel, iron or blade, only
Armed with my soul
Intimidated shamefully
Yet I push on through
To find a glimmer of light

In the thickness of you

 

~ J. Lefever ~

March 2012

 

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Stormy Seas

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Stormy Seas
 
Escaping the stress
Ridding my stormy seas
Running from my pitfalls
Confidence locked behind stone walls
 
The wind blows cold
Striking me across my face
Reminding me that I’m real
Hidden inside the things that I feel
 
Stormy seas with grey clouds above
Choppy blue water of the sea
Out of control, I seem to be
Much like the sadness inside of me
 
Something that comes and goes
Tears of pain become tears of madness
Anger subsides my cries
And once again,
I am screaming at the city for what it took from me
 
Nothing can make the clouds go away
Maybe they are here
Giving me permanent rain
Words can’t describe the pain
 
Stormy seas represent my soul
Searching for something to make me whole
I am alive, still breathing today
Living the reality, for which I pray
 
~ J. Lefever ~
(05/22/13)
 
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/08/13)

 

Daily Reflection (05/08/13)

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Emotional Neroticism

 

Life has brought us to the middle of the week again… and I am praying for Friday! Although I am having a decent week, within myself, that doesn’t mean the outside world and influences have been in sync with my joyful-happiness… yes… I said joyful-happiness because that’s my shit this week! I pretty much refuse to roll any other way.

 

Ah, so… Emotional Neroticism. This is something that plagues a lot of people who are going through the stages of grief. It can also plague those who suffer in any other way. From what, specifically? You name it! Emotions don’t discriminate! Being neurotic, you are kind of all over the place, a little self-centered in your own emotional issues, over-anxious and have a severe case of anxiety, hence, neroticism. Add ‘Emotional’ to the beginning of that, and you are a walking basket-case.

 

Ok. Listen. I am defining this term, because I kind of relate to it… maybe, kinda-sorta, a little bit.. HUH? What? Yea, so I own up to it. But what do I expect. This last year has been one hell of a bad year, and instead of moving forward with me, I have a family that is stuck on drama, trying’ to drag me down. It is stressful, hard to handle and a lot for one single girl in recovery.

 

With my attitude being on the high this week, meaning good, not under the influence… (very important NOT to confuse what I’m saying!!) I am paying ZERO attention to this ‘Emotional-baggage’ that any one who is close to me, feels like dumping on my lap or in my yard.

 

Um, that’s pretty much it.

 

If you want to run an emotional train on someone, don’t call me this week!!

 

I am taking time for myself, time away from the extra crap, and centering my chi … as much as my chi needs!!

 

I hope you all had a great day ~ Of course, I wish you all nothing but the very best!!

 

XOXO ~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : There really never has been a time in my life where I’ve ever been boring, or dull… or ordinary, for that matter… I wonder, will there ever be a time when things start to settle down a little?

 

I am embracing change BIG time right now… And I feel one coming… I am ready for the next step…

 

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

I am not your Puppet ~ Tryst Update

 
 
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I am not your puppet ~ Tryst Update
 
This evening is the end of a very long day. This evening wraps up a very long week. This week has been very very productive, I must say! I am sitting here, thinking about all that I got done this week, and I gotta pat myself on the back! Good job Jen! I was busy and organized and got all my responsibilities done! Good feeling to have, especially when you have a mountain of things in front of you… that I do… along with emotional roller-coasters, and psychological abuse from the fam… it is a lot to handle all at once!!
 
Sometimes there are personalities who are very strong. There are personalities who are very smart. The intelligent and the wise don’t always use their wisdom in the best of ways… sometimes, that wisdom is used to manipulate others. ((Note, a stupid person can’t really manipulate others… it takes a certain kind of mind, a certain level of intelligence to be able to do this)) ((Also note, most addicts do a lot of manipulating… addicts, contrast to popular stereo-type, can be very smart. So, we do have the knack, the ability, the mind power to manipulate others to get things, or to believe things, whatever))
 
I have done my share of this exercise. Manipulation. I am not proud of it. But because I have done it, because I have practiced it, because I have somewhat succeeded in it, because I have almost obtained a PhD in it… that means I can recognize when it is being done to me. Yep. I said it.
 
You know the saying, ‘You cannot bullshit a bullshitter’ ? It is common sense. You cannot fool a fool… you can’t manipulate a manipulator!! It just cannot be done!! Sure, you can try. Go on! Give it your best shot! But I guarantee that you will be caught, it won’t work, your little plan of trickery will not go through because you can’t pull one over on someone who knows how to do the very same thing.
 
I think I’ve made my point here…
 
What is my next point then…? It is obvious that I am going through some things… I mean, I have some ducks in a row… but they are not lined up in perfect unison, yet… I still have some hurdles and some work to do… but I still have a whole life in front of me. What about the ducks then? I have some good ducks and I have some ducks that may wander, or fall down, or go swimming in the pond when I didn’t say it was ok… ((HAHA, I have totally gotten off on this duck thing, but I have a point.. I promise))
 
What I’m trying to say, what I’ve said before, is that in life, nothing is ever fucking finished, perfect, happy ending… there is always going to be something you face, have to deal with, are working on, get forced into… whatever!! Some things are not your choice. Changes happen that you do not orchestrate. Those changes are fucking uncomfortable!! But, we have to deal with them.
 
Some of my ducks are crossed right now because I am not only grieving the loss of my brother, who was taken from my life last June, but since this tragedy took place, my family has just broken to pieces. As a result, I pretty much have been forgotten about. It’s almost as if Dave and I died at the same time. I could be invisible, and nothing would matter… this is a very painful reality for me right now.
 
I guess my evening ramblings here are to empty my mind of some things… Above, I say I’m not a puppet because I am the one who controls the things, the atmosphere, the people, and the activity in my life. I know that my family is hurting right now, with the loss of one of our four, but even though I am the sibling that is left, I am no one’s puppet. No one should be telling me what to do, or how to feel, or using manipulation to make me feel like my feelings are wrong. Not validating someone’s feelings is emotional abuse, and it is very painful, especially coming from a parent or a close loved one. The death of my brother is not an excuse I pull to write pieces or shed tears… it is the most painful thing I have ever felt inside of my heart. And sadly, what has come with it, is two parents who, don’t even know they are doing this but, ignore that I’m here, lash out, take their pain out on me, look at me like they are angry that I’m the one here… all kinds of shit that sucks… and then use manipulation to tell me that I am selfish for things, like when I get completely left out of important family events, things that are important enough for my mother to invite a friend… but not me, not her forgotten daughter… In their grief, they have abandon the one they have. Which I have been told by my therapist, is quite common. When a family, when two parents lose a child, sadly sometimes, they get so caught up in their sadness, they forget about the child that is still alive, or they over-compensate with someone else, like a daughter or son-in-law… never in a million did I think I would be in this place… never..
 
Distance.
 
I needed this rant tonight. I need the distance from this place. It is not good for me here. I don’t belong in this city. I will go one day… Yes, one day soon, I will go…
 
For now, I am still holding on…
 
J. Lefever
 

*****

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 

A Day Like Any Other ♥

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A Day Like Any Other…

When the sky tells me

It is going to storm

It whispers it’s soft warning

As if not to frighten me away

 

Just like my kingdom

I have storms inside my soul

Wild and raging with emotion

Unpredictable and out of control

 

It is true that I am guarded

I am free but trapped by something else

An invisible force that is most wicked

Has stolen my every ability to trust

 

As the clouds darken above me

A message of what is to come

Like elements we cannot tame

There is nothing, I’ve come undone

 

I live in constant fear

When I look others in the eye

I’m looking for something decent and pure

So far, others have only made me cry

 

I still think the world is worth my time

But I keep searching for something that I don’t find

It’s more a dream, a wish, a belief

Than the reality of the world I may leave behind

 

It’s like we are all just empty shells

Walking around, in programmed motion

No one really has a functioning soul

We are weak if we show our deepest of emotion

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(04/20/13)

 
 
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

One Two Three

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One, Two, Three

 

I am a complicated spirit

Yet, I find in all my philosophy

I am more definable than most

I am not ordinary, or boring, or standard

I was built with many colors

I have things that can spark a flame

Resulting in an emotional fire

Yes, my deepest feeling can burn me badly

I feel things more intensely inside

I get quite lost and curious of

Those who don’t seem to feel at all

 

I can be a million smiles

The most joyous soul you see all day

This happiness is energy in me

Visible to those who come my way

 

But if my path, in the course of my day                  

Crosses with something that causes me pain

Inside it hits me like a million blades

Damaging my heart like a hurricane rain

 

Then there is the side, I keep tucked far away

The side that I protect from anyone but me

It’s sensitive and sweet, but dark and broken

It’s the side that I don’t let anyone see…

 

That, I feel, is my one, two, three

And even though the energy may shift

I understand the moments I experience

As I believe they are my virtuous gifts.

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(04/19/13)

*****

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication