The Devil’s Room

The Devil’s Room

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There is nothing to say about now

I am in the dark again

My body shakes

I am afraid

 

I swore I would never

Visit the devil again

But I did

And now he won’t let me go

 

With his cold hands on my wrists

A strength of which

I am too weak to pull away

So I cry as he holds me in his presence

 

Far far away

For anyone alive to hear my cries

I am silenced by defeat

It is here, I will die

 

Comfort and warmth

Are a long, distant memory

Foreign to my current surroundings

Will I ever be home?

 

I belong to the world

But I’m tired of wandering

Years I have searched

I am ready to belong somewhere

 

Inside of the Devil’s room

Walls dripping with my fear

Echos of my past are screaming

Lyrics of which berate me deeply

 

My own sins brought me here

Weak along the way

My mission so completely unclear

Pride was stripped my his cold, dead grasp

 

The death of my spirit

Has yet to visit me

I fight to keep it away

I am surviving on my hopeful emotion

 

Trembling with angry energy

I break away from the Devils force

Pounding on the structure that entraps me

I stand to show I refuse to be taken

 

~J. Lefever~

Written on a day unknown

 

This is an older piece I wrote some years ago…

I found it in my journals… scribbled in pencil on the pages of my yesterday

I thought I’d share it to show the deep effects that addiction had on my spirit

Like being trapped, held down by a strength much stronger than me… With hope almost impossible to find… but… somewhere inside of me, the refusal to give up.

*****

sdgaerg

 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

 

Ghost Emotion

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Ghost Emotion
In the grey and white world
Are the shadows of ghosts
Ghosts of our emotions, left
To haunt the space between
Here and there
They haunt the vessels on the sea
Buildings and sidewalks of the cities
Trapped inside the paint on canvases
And enclosed in the lyrics of
Music and poetry
Our spirits are meant to feel things
It is in the way we are built
Once we feel, things pass along
With the ever-changing world
Not one moment mimics another
Time sets us free
From things that are regular and standard
Emotions are not tiny
They are bursts of energy
Fueled by the temples of our souls
Inside we are personal
Shedding shadows of emotion
Everywhere we go
I am haunted
By the things that I feel
Extraordinary pieces of time
I have been given
These ghost emotions are mine
As I move forward in time
My life, as unique as any other
Falling off my back
As I walk on for the soul of my brother
Bricks build houses
A poem is written in words
There are colors to paint the sky above
All of this shows my entire devotion
Inside my black and white world
I leave shadows of my ghost emotion
~J. Lefever~
(04/21/13)
*****
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

Life Circles

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Life Circles
 
Then came the day
When I said I had nothing left to say
Sadness had made quite the example out of me
I threw that shit to the door
I took out the trash
I cleaned up my heart
My mind & my soul
To see what was there, underneath all the grey
I finally saw me
 
I was vibrant again, running around the world
Telling everyone I’m here
To feed them nothing but my joy
The world was again, my shinning paradise
And I was alive to tell
 
Life takes me in circles
Round the madness like a maze
Taking with me the puzzles & the pain
Every emotion like the storms & the rain
Soaking up my sadness with sand on a beach
Leaving me here, with my lessons to teach
 
~J. Lefever~
Written sometime in March 2013
 
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

A Momentary Lapse of Reason ~ Tryst Journal

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A Momentary Lapse of Reason ~ Tryst Journal

I’ve been told that our ‘Higher Powers’ don’t give us anything we can’t handle. I’ve been told that the strong ones, are the ones who are given the tougher things in life. Not saying anything about someone who has had a relatively easy life, and not fallen down too much. I’m quite envious of those people, in fact, I wish I was one of them. I think that they are the lucky ones.

 

I wonder, so much lately, what is really going on…? Am I this really shitty person, who has a soul that is just no good…? Because my life has taken me down some roads that were so tough, I am literally still working on going through them… getting past them with some kind of understanding as to why certain events had to take place… why my eyes had to fall witness on some things, things I wish I had never seen… and why can’t I just give up? What is it that makes me keep going everyday? Even when the days are so hard, hard even to get up and start, but I do, get up, and keep going.

 

What am I fighting for?

 

Today. Wow. Today was a tough day. I had some bumps at work, which is unusual. Work is always smooth, for the most part. But when these work related issues came up, I was actually really grateful for them because they were total distraction from my social life, which is where I’m tackling demons today.

 

You know how when something in life has emotional connections to it, it’s always 10X worse? When the heart is involved, it’s like, monumental!!! When I come across a social problem with a person with whom I have no emotional connection with, it’s like ‘Oh well, whatev’s…’ and I move on. Never losing any sleep over it. Not even a wink. So, when you have these emotions involved, they make all things worse, complicated and they make people, me, irrational, sometimes a neurotic mess, ignorant to the reality of things… yes, my emotions can get the best of me sometimes. Thing is, this rarely happens. I’m serious!! For a woman, I rarely lose it… I keep pretty good control of my ‘crazy-lunatic-female-hormones’ so it’s like when I do have a ‘moment’ of irrational-emotional-drama, I get so mad at myself for slipping off the edge. But, yea, there is a but, when I get pushed to my limit, pushed so far back that, after time, I swear, I just cannot keep my mouth shut anymore about the shit that’s been bothering me, don’t I have that right? Don’t I have the right to stand there and voice my concerns? Don’t I have the right to have feelings? And just because I so rarely come apart at the seams, that doesn’t mean that I am never, ever, allowed a momentary lapse of reason!?!

 

I feel apart at the seams today.

I really did.

I just let it all go…

Everything came out at once.

The things that I’ve been so silent about for so long, all had a tangible voice today.

 

I don’t really know what happened. I woke up this morning, like every other day. I came to work and dove into my commitments there. Next thing I knew, I was having a conversation, something was triggered, and all things went south. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was face to face with, someone, and I was just fallin’ apart.

 

These things happen when we keep ourselves bottled up. That is why I try to write. My lesson today is that, yes, even though i write, to cleanse my heart, mind and soul of things, I am still hiding. There are still things that I have no words for. Things that I have n answers for. And it all came down, to me, just a person, who was pushed, couldn’t take it anymore, and I came a little undone.

 

I’m not sure why I’m sharing this. I guess I don’t need to hide proof that I’m just an imperfect person in an imperfect world. We all have moments that suck, right? That’s all for now…

 

J. Lefever

 

Tryst Thought: Space is always good when you are having emotional words with another. Sometimes we say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. In the space, we think clearer, and can come back, and have a much more productive conversation.

Do we turn into someone we are not, when our words get the best of us?

 

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication