Miraculous Me

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Miraculous Me

 

In the break of the morning

A pause in the moment

My mind gathers its thoughts

And I realize my reality

 

I have come so far

From the deepest depths of despair

To the brightest shooting stars

Soul shinning with every step I take

 

Yes, this is all true

I can finally say I’ve done something

I can finally say that I am alive again

Living my life, through and through

 

I think of the battles

Of all the mountains I had to climb

Yesterday was to tougher than most

But I made it, I actually survived

 

I stand in my kitchen

Pouring coffee and making toast

The simplest of routine tasks

Render me quite grateful indeed

 

When you find yourself lost

Inside of your dark troubles

You forget to be thankful

For the little things most people take for granted

 

But miraculous me

Gives thanks for those things

For my battles and victories

For my life and for me…

 

~ J Lefever ~

(05/17/13)

 

*****

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

The Victim & The Villain

I am going through my poetry and putting together my third manuscript. So, I am compiling all my pieces, reading through them, picking and choosing, and I came across this one. This is a piece that remains one of my favorites… most dear to the painful part of my soul… yesterdays news, but still ever so present in the choices I make… I wanted to share it again… just for fun…
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This is… my most beloved piece. This piece is meant to be read slowly, to get the emotion in each word I chose to tell this story. This is a short story, about me. It is written poetically. I am happy to share it, and hope it is enjoyed and understood by those who read it. This is also the title of a book that I am currently writing… one of my writing projects that is very dear to my heart. This is the story of the Victim and the Villain. ~ J
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The Victim & The Villain
I can tell you of days
When I was completely frozen
I can tell you of weeks that went by
And I didn’t even notice
I can tell you of mornings
I would wake up mad
Mad ’cause I was still breathing, still alive
…isn’t that sad?
I can tell you of a lady
Who was once alive in me
She was vibrant, and she smiled
She was what other’s wanted to be
But somehow, in her life, she became
Tragically sad
Things began to happen
Now, She’s a Victim to all things bad
A run of bad luck, for a decade, or so
But she was also the Villain of her story, you know
As much as she tried
To push the darkness away
The Villain within
Would not let her stray
The Villain was strong but
It needed it’s Victim down
And with all of the chaos
The Victim was stuck in her town
Further and further
Did her pure image go
But deep down inside
Her spirit would know
In a time and a place
She could rise up again
And put to rest
Her corruption, her sin
I can tell you of days
When I thought this impossible
I can tell you today
I have become remarkable
Only because
I can see inside
That I was the Victim.. and the Villain
In my very own mind
Playing the taunter
And being taunted by…
The miraculous strength of
Me, Myself, and I…
I can’t tell you who wins
The story of me
The Victim, the Villain, or the saviour to be…
But I am each one
Each integral part
That make up the Victim… and the Villain
Inside of my heart.
~~ J. Lefever ~~
(04/15/012)
*****
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

If I Could Run

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If I Could Run
***
If I could run
To anywhere but here
I’d run to the moon
To see the stars near
On the tail of a comet
I would fly across galaxies
Floating in the sparkling sea
Losing myself in zero realities
My reason to run
In the rear view behind
The haunting mistake
I’ll never rewind
I travel the universe
Looking for black holes
In hopes to find one
That no one knows
But reality sits grounded
Finding me running nowhere
I’m stuck confronting
What chases me from fear
***
J. Lefever
Written in February of 2012
 
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/13/13)

Daily Reflection (05/13/13)

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Not Getting A Goodbye

As I move through the stages of grief, I go through many emotional ups & downs. I have been through things in my life that were very hard, some tragic, some self-inflicted, others were influenced by others, things that left deep scars, lies and betrayal, death, but no one as close as my own brother. I have never felt these kinds of emotions, or this level of pain, ever.

In my mind, I go over & over the events of the day my brother was killed. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? What was he doing? Where was he going? And then things about the actual event that took his life… what happened? How can this have even been a real event… it this really real? It is a mental circus… a mental torture in which I can’t even begin to put into words.

Me being such an analytical person, always wanting and needing to know the answers to everything in this world, the ‘not-knowing’ drives me crazy. It drives me crazy and it makes me very angry and it makes me cry and it makes me scream for my brother… All of this, emotion, pours out of me and I’m not the only one. My mother, who has a death certificate for her son. My father, who had to bury his baby boy. We are all changed. We are all broken. We are all damaged. We all have a hole in our hearts. Our lives will never be complete.

Even when we experience moments of joy and happiness… there will always be something, our someone, that is missing…

In my thinking this weekend, I came across the thought that… one of the hardest parts about this is, not getting to say goodbye. Losing my brother the way that I did, was, unceremonial. One minute of the day, and he was just… gone. There was nothing I could do, no where I could go, completely helpless…

 

I hate that I didn’t get to say goodbye…

I didn’t get to tell him I love him…

I didn’t get to tell him any of the million things I have yet to say…

I wasn’t finished…

I wasn’t done making memories with my brother…

 

My life with him was just over, in one second, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye…

 

If you have a sibling, I cannot stress the importance of telling them you love them, every single time you speak. No matter what… tell them you love them…

 

Have a great day Tryst.

 

XOXO ~ Jen’

 

Tryst Thought : Everywhere I go, I carry him with me. But it’s not the same. It is not ever going to be the same…

 *****

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

 

 

Noise

 

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Noise

 

Patter patter patter

Sound is unknown

Coming from somewhere

This place is not my home

 

Waking from a slumber

The land of my dreams

Subconscious mind is speaking

Inside my mind I scream

 

Open my eyes

Into the light of day

Room feeling foreign

Something safe I pray

 

Noises at my window

Water drops pattering upon

Will I walk into nothing

In the space I don’t belong

 

Time has stolen my innocence

Yet my hope it still remains

Without my internal faith

I’d go crazy insane

 

I carry this hope

My light inside my heart

Everywhere I go

Or else I’d fall apart

 

Tiny noise brings me back to life

Another day I will be brave

Never giving up on me

Eternal mission is to save

 

Even though I don’t belong

I feel like I don’t quite fit

I have this love inside my soul

For me, I’ll never quit

 

I am one among the world today

A true example of energy

Bound and determined to stand up tall

Do everything I need to save me…

 

~ J Lefever ~

(04/04/13)

 

 

*****

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

When The River Runs Dry

 

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When The River Runs Dry

 

When the world is waiting

For the trees to come alive

And the rivers are flowing

Into the meadows of serenity

 

My patient soul is bare

Open and exposed in the air

As I wait to bloom

I am waiting for you

 

The City is under water

Some people are still floating

Trying to save us all

Even as my ignorance is showing

 

When the river runs dry

I will bring you nourishment

Feeding the earth my soulshine

Under the skies of blue

 

Sitting on the banks of despair

Leaves fall into the stream

The world has become hushed

Listen to the rhythm it dreams

 

We all share a spirit

Wanting warmth and safety inside

Even as a brave young woman

Sometimes I go places to hide

 

In the end I hope for solstice

Rebirth of the spirit in me

When the river runs dry, I’ll be there

Giving light to everything you see

 

~J Lefever~

(04/26/13)

 

*****
 
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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

Guilty Too

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Guilty Too

 

A test of my strength

Forgiving I need to be

Its been only hours since

Since your actions hurt me

I tell of a time

When we were both kind

Walking side by side

Your heart was inside mine

Battling disappointment

My anger subsides

Remembering the moment

That my spirit died

In that four-cornered room

The cell of my shame

My faith came to same me

From my internal pain

You told me what I had done

What you wanted me to do

I have lived up to my word

Given you all you asked me to

I made you worry all the time

You said I broke your heart

So I promised to mend

The pieces that fell apart

I remember the promises

I made that day

Promises to shelter

Myself in the rain

I give you no reason to put me down

You have no reason to cry for me

Yet you still throw my yesterday

As if the present you can’t even see

I still face a mountain

As I have said before

Yesterday is gone

I Walk through the next door

I’m not the only guilty one

You have been hurtful too

I’m still trying to forgive

The past I’ve had with you

 

~J. Lefever~

(04/26/13)

 

This is a piece about my mom. It’s very personal. But I feel the need to clarify who I’m speaking about…

 

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 

 

My Triumph

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My Triumph
 
The silence has been broken
By the music of my mind
Distant visions playing
With things I’ve left behind
 
 
 
It’s only just a moment
You know you’re better than this
Take control of your spirit
Control of anything you wish
 
 
I am guarded by many fences
In the center of things unknown
I am much more intricate
Then the things I may have shown
 
 
Inside of my sensitive soul
My innocence prevails
I have so much more to tell you
The words I speak entail
 
 
Consequently I’ve lost control
Running somewhere to be
I feel like it’s impossible
For me to freely be me
 
 
My air is thick and heavy
Surviving in my kingdom
I persevere in every moment
Having triumph in my freedom
 
 
I fly on my own wings
With the rising of each sun
Until my dying breaths
Into this world I come
 
 
 
~J. Lefever~
(04/18/13)
 
 
This is a piece of strength, acceptance and resilience… because I may fall down, but my soul is good and I never give up, I never stop fighting for myself and I never hand my spirit over to someone trying to put out my spark…
 
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

Daily Reflection on Trystღ (02/16/13)

Daily Reflection (02/16/13)

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Milestones

My First 365

 

Lazy Saturday morning, I hope you are all having! Hello Tryst! I’ve been up since 7am because I had to be here at work this morning for a half day. Not so bad, half day & all, but I’ll shamelessly admit that if I didn’t have this work to do, I would be at home having a lazy Saturday morning for sure!! Probably sleeping in a little, eventually I would roll out of bed and make some coffee or breakfast, and then curl up with my laptop to play in all my networks and do some writing… still in my P.J’s, of course!! (Now I’m just torturing myself!! I need to stop talking!!)

 

I enjoy working, really I do. But sometimes, only sometimes, I dream of what it would be like to be a stay at home wife. To be able to do whatever it is that pleases me because my hubby brings home plenty of bacon and I am blessed with the freedom to do whatever… I would probably have a series of fiction novels by now because I would write my heart out!! Among many other things, I would have the time to learn to play my guitar better, and I would have the time to paint more (I do oil & acrylic on canvas, abstract, and some charcoal.. but I don’t have much time, ever..) For any of you out there that have this life, I hope you appreciate it, because to most, it’s like a dream.. Yes, I sit here on Saturday morning, dreaming of what that would be like.. humm.. (My mind trails off for a few minutes..

 

This morning, my reflective thought is on milestones. I use this word because my dad sent it to me in a text not too long ago, saying, “That is a huge milestone Jen! Be proud. Yo Dad is proud of you. Love you!” -Dad.

 

Today marks the day of one full year of being clean!

I am very proud of myself! There was a time when I never thought this possible. There was a time when I thought there was no hope for me. There was a time when I was inches from giving up completely. There were many times when I thought my life was destroyed beyond repair. There was a time when I thought my spirit was so broken and dead that it would never come back to life. There was a time when I thought I would never smile again… I could go on & on, but I am aware of all of these times, so the milestone that this day marks, to me, is incredible, amazing, wonderful, miraculous and so much more!

 

Believing in yourself starts from within. We ALL have the power to fight for what we want inside, we just have to make the effort.

No one could do this for me. No one. I did this, and it feels great!!

 

There were people, I’m sure, who said there was no hope for me.. Well.. the best revenge against people like that, is a life well lived!! (That is an actual take on a quote, but I’m not sure who said those words, so I’m not takin credit for them, just using them b/c they are awesome words!!)

 

For the goal setters out there, reaching a milestone is a great feeling!!

Keep pushing towards your goals, and make sure that you honor your milestones along the way!! There are some fights in life that only we can battle ourselves. And in those battles, when we succeed and reach a milestone, the glory and celebration is all ours!!

 

I hope you all have a wonderful Saturday!! ~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought: There are moments in our lives when we are our own kind of Rock Stars!! In those moments, let yourself shine and be proud!! You worked hard for the limelight to be all on you!!

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

Evening Reflection on Tryst (02/13/13)

Evening Reflection (02/13/13)

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Celebrating the Essence of Spirit & Love

 Good evening Tryst family. The sun has fallen and the crisp February air kisses my face as I walked to my car after work this evening. I looked up to the sky and couldn’t help myself but to smile. I had a really good day today, which has been long over due for me. (I have been having a rough last couple of weeks, as those of you who keep up with Tryst know..)

The day was warm and full of sunshine, and with me, full of Soulshine too! I have a beautiful friend, who had an important appointment today that resulted in wonderful news! I tapped into my inner most creativity and wrote some pieces on summer and the joy’s and bliss that come along with that! And, in return, received some warm, kind and loving words from my dearest of Tryst friends, appreciating even more the words I wrote yesterday morning, reflecting on the true honor and value of friendship!

Tomorrow marks the one day of the year that is specifically dedicated to celebrating the joy of love. Love, is such a complex thing. It is one thing that I have always written about, trying to figure out, de-code, decipher, and yet, it still confuses the hell out of me! With that said, I still absolutely, head over heels, love love! I am the hopeless romantic! I love finding love everywhere, and in everything!

As I get ready for bed, putting this day to rest, thinking about my wonderful day, am taking just a few moments to be thankful and express my gratitude for the many loves in my life. I am thankful for the loving friendships that I have in my life. I am blessed with a true loving marriage and the wonderful, unexplainable love that happens everyday between my husband and me. I am thankful for the beautiful, warm, kind and loving spirits in my Tryst friends as well!

Celebrate the essence of love tonight. Tomorrow. And everyday after that!

Love may be a paradox, but there is love to be had!

If anyone doesn’t have another to share love with tomorrow, on the day of love, then celebrate the love within your very own heart & soul! There is love there too!

I wish you all a happy Valentines Day Tryst friends!

May love find its way to you, and may you give love to yourself and to the world!

Good good night!! ~ Jen

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication