Soul Graffiti ~ A Tryst Anniversary Post

Soul Graffiti


A Tryst Anniversary Post

I have had so much going on that I didn’t even realize that today is the 1 year Anniversary of Tryst!! My life has taken me through many moments in the last 12 months, but when looking back, I know that I stand even taller and even wiser than I did last September. Just like any person, I have made mistakes, but I always get up, brush myself off and move forward. My years of being ignorant and blind to my faults are even farther behind me now. The lessons I have learned, some through success and others through personal failure, are what make my Soulshine even brighter today than ever before. I know that I have this empty space, and that space will never feel quite right again, but in the absence of my brother who was taken so tragically and violently from me and my family, I carry his spirit with me in everything that I do.

I can proudly say today that my life is clean, truthful and good. I think about my family and loved ones before I make decisions and I am selfish in the right kind of ways, selfish enough to eliminate the shitty people who claim to be a friend, who claim to have my back, but so foolishly in my innocence and sensitivity I believed these claims as these people only turned out to stab me in the back, as opposed to ever having it. (I am really only referring to a very small number of people, two or three to be exact — as the ones I have in my life now are wholesome and good and have shown it in every step they make, and we all know that actions speak much louder than words … words are only words & words are meaningless when they come from a source who is only fooling themselves in life … I pray for those people)

This morning has been hard, as the trial continues with no resolve as of yet for the person responsible for killing my brother. I was reminded of a lesson today, and that it, when you are right, when you are true, you need no defense. There is no reason to defend the truth because it speaks for itself. Only the guilty get defensive and only the guilty get mean and ugly to people and only the hateful, selfish and cruel turn and lash out at someone who they know is good because the goodness of the other person clashes with their darkness and inner self loathing. So, for those people, I bless you and pray that someday you find some self-love and a true sense of peace. I have made many mistakes, yes, but I love myself more today than I ever have and it shows in my life, in my smile, in the things I do, in my personal success … my true self-love and my sense of peace and harmony with myself shows in my heart, on my face, and in every way I live my life. I do not waste my time anymore and I have become way too strong to let anyone take advantage of me, and this is something that I let many people do for many years.

When a person changes, especially makes positive & strong changes, they may not get a good review from their network of people who have always counted on them to be weak, or to screw up, or to be the one they can point a finger at and say, “At lease that isn’t me!!” And so when you get your love, strength and wisdom’s and leave that old ‘you’ behind, you will find yourself leaving behind many of the people who you thought were in your corner, when in fact, they were only using you this whole time.

Life is not always easy. And death has taught me so much … about everything!! But I can tell you that life is also very beautiful. And when you have love, real love, there are no words needed to explain it. It just is. And when you have real truth, there are no words needed to defend it, because it just is. And when you have real forgiveness, real happiness, real peace, real love and real kindness, you never waste one minute waking up in the morning, harboring negative energy, or lashing out to another, with the only intent to hurt them. When YOU are REAL, the world knows it in everything that you do. You don’t have to hide your hatred or ugliness because you NEVER practice these things. You just get to be you, all the time, and let your heart and soul do the work.

I still struggle with things. I still go back and forth. But I can proudly say that I hold myself accountable for the things I have done, otherwise, I wouldn’t have the mind and soul that I do today. In the last year I have cried more tears than in my whole life put together, losing my brother, my best friend, my world, has been the most difficult thing I have ever been through, by far the most painful. It has made me realize that there is so much peddley shit that I have been hurt by, or cried over, or let bother me … and let me say, I DO NOT lose sleep or shed tears over people or things that are not worthy of them. I can thank my brother for teaching me that. But I do fall apart and cry for him. I probably always will. He was one of the best people I have ever known, a heart of gold, and now I have only memories.

While I think about these things, I feel overwhelmed with all that I have to say, and all that I have learned over the last year. Too many words, too many thoughts, too many reasons why and why not … but here I am, here I stand, alive and well and here to tell all my stories, share my success and shed light upon the reasons of my falls. I am neither worse or better than … but I am good, I am great, I am proud, I am honest, I am kind, I am always trying to better myself, I am living a life that is peaceful, I have more love today and I don’t over look that, I cherish it as a blessing, and while I give love, just as I receive it, I continue to bless this world, the people around me, and all the wandering souls who are still searching or healing.

I hope my brother has his hand on me and can see the things that I am doing … and in any moment of weakness, as I am still a human and I will still make mistakes, I only ask for the strength to continue on the path that I am currently on, because I am very proud of who I am becoming … I am very proud.

Here is to my ONE year of writing on Tryst and sharing all my chaos with my Tryst Friends and Family!! Here is to ONE year of my documenting all the graffiti that is written on my soul!! I have over 700 readers and I love each and every one of you!!! May Tryst continue to grow, may I continue to grow, and may we all keep holding each others hands in the rain, in the sunshine and while our Soul’s shine … cause you all know that nothing is better than that. Nothing feels better than Soulshine.

Love – And have a beautiful day

Jen Lefever



©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Summer Time & The Livin’s Easy … ~ Tryst Insider


~ The First Day of Summer ~



Summer Time & The Livin’s Easy …


It is official ~ June 21st is the first calender day of summer!!! Summer has always been my favorite of seasons!! While I also enjoy spring and fall, I have always known summer to be my absolute favorite!!! The whole world is alive … the trees are brilliant shades of green … flowers are in bloom and popping with bright, beautiful colors everywhere … swimming pools are cool and full of smiling people … neighborhoods are decorated with people walking their puppies, or strolling their kids down the sidewalks … we go on ice cream runs at night after the sun has gone down, when the air is still thick with heat and humidity … popsicles become a weekly necessity on my grocery list … I find any excuse to leave the city & go to my lake house, or be emerged in a large, cold body of water … I talk about the day I will be moving to the beach every five minutes … I find myself writing in my journals outside, either in my parents back yard where I grew up by the waterfalls, or in my special place of inspiration, in the park on the bank of the flowing river … my weeping willow tree is full and beautiful and my apple tree is busy growing me apples … I get to wear my hippy dresses everyday, and other summer clothes like tank tops & flip-flops, which brings me much joy as I hate dressing for the winter months … the farmers market is full of fruit, fresh summer vegetables and other kinds of blooming produce and flowers … the city sidewalks are full of cafe’ dinners who have stopped to quench parched lips with iced tea’s and micro-brews of KC, while enjoying delish tapas’ and other small plate yummies … oh, and of course, one of my fav spots is always busy serving up the cities best red & white sangria’s … the Plaza is busy with the summer shoppers and people catching late-night Independent Films at the Theatre … summer concerts and music festivals are the place to be, you will find me at the Crossroads jammin’ to jam bands and eating the best pizza in the city … summer is the best time to go to events that are put together to raise awareness for good causes and raise money for good organizations, like for children and animals … of course since I live in KC, summer is the season to hit the Blues District and eat out famous BBQ, then again, it’s always a good time for our awesome KC BBQ … evenings in the city with old friends, outside under the stars, in any of our local bars, pubs, or hot spots is fun to kick back and remember the ‘days’ way back when … and of course, those weekends when we all escape the hot city streets and take off to go relax in the hammock on the huge deck of my waterfront lake house, with a dock full of boats and water toys, and the fun & amenities of Osage Beach just minutes away … yes, my lake house is the perfect 2 hour get-a-way, in lieu of hopping on a plane, although I hop a plane when ever I can!! … These are a few of my favorite things about this wonderful, hot summer season!!! These are the things that I will be doing, trying to enjoy KC as much as I can while I am here … as the days become fewer and fewer, as the time Jake & I are ready to move becomes closer to reality …

I hope everyone has a wonderful summer!!!



XOXO ~ Jen


 ‘Dreams are illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you.’ Marsha Norman


 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Is The Juice Worth The Squeeze? ~Tryst Insider


Is The Juice Worth The Squeeze? ~ Tryst Insider

I rolled out of bed this morning to get ready for my day. After a quick, hot shower I got dressed and dried my hair. Mascara and a little bronzer is all I apply to my face, I have never worn make-up really, and I threw a clip in my hair and was out the door. Headed to the Argosy Casino for my Noni’s 86th birthday brunch & gambling with my family!

On the way there, driving, I was deep in thought. (I do a lot of deep thinking when I’m alone in my car. I find it is a good place to think. When I’m alone, with no other influences, no distractions to divert my natural intuition… )

When faced with the decisions we make in life, we don’t always know in the beginning of things, if the conclusion is going to be a good one. Happy endings are not always predictable. Unfortunately, we don’t always know if things are going to be good for us, if things are going to be worth it, and especially when dealing with people, we certainly don’t know how things will turn out. We go into most relationships with blinders on. Most times, we are blinded by the delusional happiness of our hearts, telling us, “This is going to be so wonderful!” And things like, “I am so happy right now, there is no way that this happiness is going to change!” Then, sadly, we are bitch-slapped with the cold-harsh realities of ugly human nature and the good-hearted people are left dumb-founded by the truth that we were mistakenly wrong about the person, or situation, and our strength Is then tested by the ways we deal with ‘saving’ ourselves and getting our emotional safety back and loving ourselves.

I remind myself that I love myself. In these current moments, I love myself more than anything. I gotta come first. And no matter what, I know my future looks great because I have some wonderful blessings in my life that I will take advantage of. I have virtues inside of my soul that I will use. I will move forward and be fine, no matter what anyone says, because I just know I will. When I think of the things that have yet to come for me, I can’t help but to know that I am one of the good ones. I am one of the survivors. I have never quit. I have never given up. I have never not learned and grown stronger from the hard situations in my life. And for ALL of the situations I found myself in, that I may have been lead to blinded by the big feelings I have in my heart, that did not end the way I had first imagined, to those people who came at me displaying all the ways in which they are broken inside, and the ones who were rotten, mean and cruel, maybe either pointing fingers, placing some blame, using for material things, whatever the situational crap may be… in the end, I ask myself…

Was the juice worth the squeeze?

And inside my beating heart & soul, I ALWAYS know the answer to that question!!

~ J. Lefever

Tryst Thought ~ No matter how this sounds, to anyone, I don’t care… I have love for many people in this world & in my life, but… I love me more. I must have my back, no matter what. No matter what.

Take care of you!! XoXo

(Ya feel me Angie?)

 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

When Advice Becomes A Torture Device ~ Tryst Insider

Is It Good Advice? Or Torture Device? ~ Tryst Insider
Listening to your inner voice…
Think about all the advice that is floating around this planet. People with problems are always the ones who try to project the most, and sometimes best, advice on to others. This is true because who better to give advice than someone who has been there, right? But one thing needs to be remembered: Just because words come out, and formulate sentences, which make for communicating some advice at someone, about a situation, this doesn’t mean that the words are true!!
Just because you say it, doesn’t mean it is right, true, valid, or even good advice!! No offense to the people way up there on their pedestals… Don’t get a nose bleed!! ((I have a strong opinion for people who think they are so great, that they are just above the rest of the world. And my opinion is quite harsh and offensive, so I’ll keep it to myself, so long as we are understood.))
Good advice, I think, can be not-so-good advice, which turns into, following the path of the wrong way down the street, sadly leading you, blinded, to the wrong time and place, all the while, you are torturing yourself because you’ve followed some bad advice!! Ah!! Not some bad advice!!
So what do we do? How do we decipher the good from the bad? The right from the wrong? Are we putting too much hope into one basket? Believing what we want to believe? Fingers crossed, hoping it turns out this way, all the while, probably knowing that, we are on a long path to the torture chamber?
Giving advice.
When giving advice, you need to think things through. Is what you’re saying going to point the person in the right direction? For you, or for them? And How do you know?
When taking advice, keep in mind that it’s coming from someone who may not know all the details. So be cautious when following the path of another. Don’t find yourself being tortured over letting one person lead you astray…
Just sayin’
🙂 ~ Jen
Tryst Thought: Should I have listened to my heart instead? Don’t leave yourself in the pool of doubt! Weigh all of your options!! Know that the best answers for ourselves, are always inside of us. No one knows you better than you!!
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Intermission ~ Tryst Insider/Update


Intermission ~ Tryst Insider/Update

It has been a while. Yes, since I started this completely awesome thing called Tryst, I have rarely gome 12 hours without writing, posting or publishing something. Well, to be clear, it has been 5 days since I’ve last written and I feel the obligation to explain a little… just a little…


It is impossible for me to know the level of which my Tryst family, friends and  followers really care to know what’s going on with me in my life. I am a wonderful woman, don’t get me wrong, but I’m nothing out of the ordinary. Some of you, wonderful people who I love very much, have been loyal readers for some time now, and understand the things that have changed my life, permanently, this last year.


I cannot explain what it feels like to grieve the loss of someone who you loved more than your own life itself. The loss of someone who was a part of your heart, who stood next to you through out your whole entire life, who knew you better than anyone else in the whole world, the one who, no matter what, would have always been there, the one who, no matter why the reason for a fight, you know that you would make up and get through it, because it’s just the way it is with brothers and sisters… it’s the way it was for me and my brother anyway… we were, forever a part of each others lives.


I wake up some mornings and I cannot move. I cannot breathe. I just miss him so much. I don’t know what to do. Some days I feel like I’m completely paralyzed, drained of my spirit, and I find it very hard to feel the strength to move on.


Of course, these are phases. They come and go. To those who know me, know that I am this beaming ray of soulshine, who is always walking on the positive side of the street. I have bad days just like everyone else, but for the most part, I’m the eternal optimist.


Until my brother was taken from me, I never really understood what it felt like to be completely hopeless. I mean completely…


I have taken a short intermission these last five days. Sometimes, you really just need to be there, for yourself. And even when you are not there for yourself, you still need to just break and breathe and try to be there for yourself. I know that I don’t owe anyone anything. I don’t even need to explain. But the writer inside of me, has been itching to get some things off her chest… the hard part in this is, well, one of the hard parts, it is literally impossible to put into words what it feels like, what I’m going through, what hurts, what suffocates me, what paralyzed me and leaves me stuck, isolating for the world not to see… what brings me to hit the wall, or fall to the floor, any of these unexplainable things that I try so hard to explain… All the while, looking for some kind of answer, relief, some kind of good feeling or genuine reason to smile, a reason to keep moving forward, and not allow myself to just give up entirely… I am looking for these things. I am seeking out the right words. I am still holding on, Tryst, I am still here, trying…


So, just a little Tryst News Update on me, on Jen, I’ve been OK.

Just taking a little break, a little intermission, because it’s something that I needed.


J. Lefever


I will tell you this… I am happy to be sitting here, writing again! These five days without words has been, a little painful. I’m grateful to have my words back…



©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication