True Beauty

 
 
f17506d4f7f6d45c7f250b7c7ee27453
 
True Beauty
 
Innocence painted
On their faces
With purity
Beauty so natural
Born with security
Happiness so real
As we watch them play
Tiny versions of us
Like we were one day
Time
An unstoppable commodity
We forget the value
Of our existence
The years adding up
We cannot resist this
Time takes our innocence
And our natural joy
Our childlike minds
Are now broken toys
Mind & memory
Tainted with the things
We have seen
Our only escaping reality
Is in our subconscious dreams
If only we could remain
So young and pure
Keeping our souls
From needing a cure
With age we seek to find
True beauty like we once knew
In a difficult world
Killing beauty in all that we do
 
~ J. Lefever ~
(04/27/13)
 
 
*****
 
imagesCABQ13B8
 
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

A Day Like Any Other ♥

3d9807a418785be5fbea385b9943cca3

A Day Like Any Other…

When the sky tells me

It is going to storm

It whispers it’s soft warning

As if not to frighten me away

 

Just like my kingdom

I have storms inside my soul

Wild and raging with emotion

Unpredictable and out of control

 

It is true that I am guarded

I am free but trapped by something else

An invisible force that is most wicked

Has stolen my every ability to trust

 

As the clouds darken above me

A message of what is to come

Like elements we cannot tame

There is nothing, I’ve come undone

 

I live in constant fear

When I look others in the eye

I’m looking for something decent and pure

So far, others have only made me cry

 

I still think the world is worth my time

But I keep searching for something that I don’t find

It’s more a dream, a wish, a belief

Than the reality of the world I may leave behind

 

It’s like we are all just empty shells

Walking around, in programmed motion

No one really has a functioning soul

We are weak if we show our deepest of emotion

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(04/20/13)

 
 
*****
1b99e5c27923ac01563a4e08fe3e31d9
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

One Two Three

7d35f624a8b843dacacbefda7a8555f0 e3f0e9579f986268d0ac913c414496d1 353606349f4602245f109d97e9ecbae7

One, Two, Three

 

I am a complicated spirit

Yet, I find in all my philosophy

I am more definable than most

I am not ordinary, or boring, or standard

I was built with many colors

I have things that can spark a flame

Resulting in an emotional fire

Yes, my deepest feeling can burn me badly

I feel things more intensely inside

I get quite lost and curious of

Those who don’t seem to feel at all

 

I can be a million smiles

The most joyous soul you see all day

This happiness is energy in me

Visible to those who come my way

 

But if my path, in the course of my day                  

Crosses with something that causes me pain

Inside it hits me like a million blades

Damaging my heart like a hurricane rain

 

Then there is the side, I keep tucked far away

The side that I protect from anyone but me

It’s sensitive and sweet, but dark and broken

It’s the side that I don’t let anyone see…

 

That, I feel, is my one, two, three

And even though the energy may shift

I understand the moments I experience

As I believe they are my virtuous gifts.

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(04/19/13)

*****

db7452fffa8caaa1d1ac4ea0a63836db

 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

Rewind

61f766584a7a14058d49dc67bb2e6430

Rewind

Defeat

I refuse to be taken down

A constant reminder

Of a past that

Is no longer mine

You

Are the only negative

Holding me back

You

Are the past that

Is my detour off track

My future has no likeness

Of what I’m leaving behind

Except being with you

You try to make me rewind

Why are you even here

Your motive is to enable me

To fall

You steal my happiness

You don’t see my success

At all

I thought things would be different

But you haven’t learned a thing

You tear me down each time

You don’t let me be me

The tragedy is

I still seek your approval and pride

Sadly, you

Make me feel like I should run and hide

I am worthy of happiness

I am good enough to be loved everyday

I do not need to keep defending myself

I am wonderful no matter what you say

~J. Lefever~

(04/21/13)

*****

Tryst Truth – Tragically, the ones we love the most, are the ones who hurt us the most. It is common for some people, even as adults, to seek the approval of our parents. (Statistically speaking, I read that 1 in every 10 people deals with issues regarding their parents, either emotional damage, or approval seeking… I also read that the numbers may be greater than that but there are a lot of people who don’t admit to these things, or pretend like they don’t exist)  Just to hear the words, “I am proud of you” has become such a clutch for me, personally. I feel like it will never happen for me… no matter what I do. A persons actions will tell you their level of investment in your life. With that said, it is very clear that I am only fooling myself… I am a forgiving, hopeful fool… Who is only fooling herself to believe things will ever be different…

As it breaks my heart to say these things… it is my reality… it is my life. There are things that I do not get in life. As long as I’m struggling, seeking the pride & approval of two people who in 31 years has never given me any kind of real, positive encouragement… I will never be truly happy. I am happy with myself today, so I need to stop believing that I need anyone’s approval to be happy… except my own.

*****
d8266f1b97542d4887528524ad95053c
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 

Life Circles

76a83997395395c51ca20871d316cbfa
 
Life Circles
 
Then came the day
When I said I had nothing left to say
Sadness had made quite the example out of me
I threw that shit to the door
I took out the trash
I cleaned up my heart
My mind & my soul
To see what was there, underneath all the grey
I finally saw me
 
I was vibrant again, running around the world
Telling everyone I’m here
To feed them nothing but my joy
The world was again, my shinning paradise
And I was alive to tell
 
Life takes me in circles
Round the madness like a maze
Taking with me the puzzles & the pain
Every emotion like the storms & the rain
Soaking up my sadness with sand on a beach
Leaving me here, with my lessons to teach
 
~J. Lefever~
Written sometime in March 2013
 
********
 imagesCAQLS4P92
 

 
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Daily Reflection on Tryst (04/10/13)

Daily Reflection (04/10/13)

 imagesfdf

Time Management.

 

Rain is falling on Wednesday… Rain falls hard from the sky today. I don’t know what it is about the rain, but it always makes me feel in touch with my artistic expressions. It makes me want to write all day, allowing my heart to speak, and my soul to spill out all of its words!! Instead, I have had a million errands to run today, with no umbrella, so needles to say… I am a little damp!! …I don’t mind…

 

My dreams were interrupted last night by the loud booming of thunder in the sky. As my eyes popped open, and I lay there, gathering my current state of mind, and other random dreaming thoughts, I decided to roll out of bed and go to the kitchen and make peanut butter & honey in a tortilla, which is so yummmm…

 

Rain was pattering my kitchen window hard and quiet strikes of lightning would flash across the sky, followed by the rumble of the thunder as I stood in my kitchen… thinking of things…

 

Sometimes, our thoughts visit us and they do us no good. Have you ever talked yourself into something that is much less than you thought? Have you ever made things a bigger deal in your head?

 

Don’t believe everything you think!!

 

In the past few weeks, I have had a lot going on… to say the least. It can be hard to maintain a balance in your life, when you are being pulled in so many directions. When you have to be so many places, there just isn’t enough time. Or when you need to do one thing in order to do another, yet, your time is pulling you away from it with another arising problem or obligation… I mean, phew!! I feel like a juggling act at the circus!! Like, lets see how much shit we can pile on top of Jen before she collapses!!

 

I also try to make time to eat, rest, read, and write (which has been seldom lately due to my ever so busy life) and to do something fun! It is important to make time for fun & laughter!! Laughter is the very best medicine, and very good for the soul!!

 

So, am I managing my time well? No. Not really. I could do better. I’m behind on my writing, on my reading, and my e-mails are piling up. I am working a full-time job on top of balancing my volunteer work and I am facing a murder trial next month for the person who killed my brother. (As if that isn’t enough stress… there is more…)

 

I know that we can’t get the answers to all these perplexing life boggles… but we can always reach out, for help or just to talk, and if you are like me, a proud proud person… it is OK to need a helping hand!! ((I sometimes fall because of my refusal to ask for help… I feel, too much pride to ask for such a thing and quite frankly, I don’t like the attention)) But this truth is foolish!! In reality, we are human. I am human. I am not perfect. I cannot get everything done all at once. And if I need a little help just to breathe or balance myself out, that is perfectly normal.

 

For the few things I left out of my BIG TO-DO LIST up there… it’s because they are a bit more private. But regardless, this woman has a lot going on in her busy life!! I am trying to make myself aware that I need to manage my time better, in order to get all my obligations done and goals met.

 

I hope the day finds you well!!

 

Where ever you are, open your eyes and look for something that is remarkable that you may not have noticed before…Trust me, there are things to see that you have not noticed before!! No moment is ordinary… find the remarkable…

 

♥Jen

 

Tryst Thought : Remember… Don’t believe everything you think!! Sometimes our minds can poison us a little… believe it or not!!

 

 
********
 
723143cbf085f627dabdd871a9c68615
 
 
 
©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication
 
 

Float

imagesCA6RGIZL
 
Float
 
I want to be invisible, for now
Nothing for anyone to see
Moments & memories
My imprints of my past, gone
Like a feather floating in the breeze
A little piece of nothing important
Floating bye for no one to see
 
No one notices something that is
Nothing, when there is nothing
To see
 
I like the feeling of detachment
Rendering me in a calm state of mind
Awareness has slipped away with the wind
Swallow me world & make me invisible
Make me nothing for the world to see
 
 
Look at me, I’m not really here
I’m so empty today, you see
I float through the minutes of this day
Aware that I need not be
Anything important
I am nothing to see
 
I can go anywhere today
Be anywhere that I want to be
And still, not really be there
That’s what it feels like
When you feel like nothing
I am invisible
No one can see my sad heart
No one notices my tears that fall
Gently down to the ground
Landing in a soft pool of wetness
Representing a soul that is broken
No one notices my empty hands
Wanting to be held
Wanting to be safe and warm
Waiting to feel like I’m someone
 
Is it okay if I isolate today
What will it matter
If I just literally slip away
When I’m here, you don’t seem to listen
When I’m there, you don’t even see
It’s like I’m just imagining
My importance to you
So instead of pretending
I will just go
Don’t worry, my dear
You won’t notice a thing
Nothing will change when nothing goes
Away with me, with just me to be
I love you but you don’t even see
That I’m invisible to you
And it’s damaging me
 
I’ll float somewhere else
Where nothing else matters
 
~ J. Lefever ~
 
This piece was written in regards to… something inside… of me, or maybe someone else… either way, it is real and it is my sadness today…
Do you ever just want to float away?
 
 
imagesCA2A7ODU
 
 
 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication