Daily Reflection on Tryst – Letting Go of Yesterday

Daily Reflection on Tryst

October 22, 2013

Letting Go of Yesterday …

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Today my thought is simple. I want to remind myself and others while I’m at it, that there is no point in fussing over the past. The past is over and there is nothing you can do about it. How much time have you wasted into fussing over this and that about your yesterday?

Of course I am mainly pointing this advice towards myself today … I have a current situation that has me … quite pissed actually, pissed about some things that happened about a year ago. About a year ago!?!?! How stupid is this then? There is nothing I can do to change these events, there is no amount of time I can spend trying to explain them, or justify them, or rationalize them in any way. The time has passed. The events took place. And I have since moved on from all of it.

These events have consequences though. Those consequences are what I am currently dealing with and thus explain my pissy, fussy, bitter attitude and my sense of regret.

I am reminded on a daily basis right now about my foolishness a year ago … the fact that I listened to my heart instead of my head a year ago … the fact that I majorly sacrificed my safely and well-being for the sake of another a year ago … the face that my life and my parent’s life will be highly affected if this ends badly because of this other person and my inability to remove myself from the situation a year ago … I a reminded on a daily basis that it get me nowhere, ever, loving another person MORE than I love myself!!! If I love another more than I love me, look how much shit I have to deal with … only because I made some serious sacrifices, and excuses for this person.

I am the fool who loved someone else more than I loved my own self and as a result … I am paying for it greatly right now.

But this is still all a pointless waste of my time! And everyone else’s whom I might bother with the banter and conversation about this shit. So, what can I do?

I can think about what I CAN do for my future and to move on with the best outcome and the best results for this situation and these events. Nope, I sure as hell can’t change the past but I can make a difference on what happens today and tomorrow.

So that is what I am doing. Stop with the bullshit fuss about what I wish I would have or have not done a year ago and get on with the best course of action to make my present and my future more pleasant … and make this past situation, end peacefully.

Phew … glad I got that off my chest!! I needed to vent a little!!! Of course, this matter is personal and so I am vague about the what-have-you’s … but that’s my business. I only wanted to reflect here on the pointlessness of fussing over things that have already happened. Put energy into today and tomorrow and you’ll be much better off!!!

Oh, and NEVER love someone else MORE than you love yourself. Period. Ever. Never do that. Because no one will ever love you or have your back as much as you do. People are NOT selfless like that. I learn the hard way when I act selfless towards someone (Someone in particular) That ‘sacrifice’ , whether they say it or not, would most likely never be returned. People are too selfish to put you before them. It makes me sad to think about this reality because it is honestly not how I am. I never feel good when I am acting selfish, so it is hard for me to wrap my head around this ‘loving yourself more’ but it is a powerful truth and wisdom.

I think I need to find a good balance between the two … being selfless still towards others, but still loving myself enough, if not a little more … plenty, or just right! 🙂

I hope you have a great day Tryst Family!! XO – Jen

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Change – Daily Reflection on Tryst – 10/21/13

Daily Reflection on Tryst

October 21, 2013

‘Change your thoughts, Change your world’ – Unknown

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Good Morning my favorite group of people!! How long has it been since I’ve written a Daily Reflection? It has been way too long!! Here is where I feel the need to explain myself in great detail, as to why I stopped writing Daily Reflections for you and for myself, and then follow that with an apology for my lack of motivation, lack of inspiration, for my laziness and for my disbelief in my self and thinking that no one really gives a shit about the things that I try to reflect upon, the things that I try to help myself (and others) with by expanding the mind a little, the thinking outside the box and trying to create healthy patterns amongst all of our necessary and unnecessary ones.

Well, I don’t really need to explain. Life just had me doing other things. My need to inspire and motivate both myself and others is still here, and the beauty of writing and blogging, is that I can pick up right where I left off.

I also don’t need to apologize because I have not done anything wrong. And nothing is more irritating or a waste of time than an empty apology. There is no reason to ever say ‘sorry’ unless you have justifiably done something that needs an apology before moving forward.

This is not one of those situations.

And what about my lack of inspiration, motivation or have I been lazy? Nope. I still have those things, I was just channeling them in other areas. And I am far from lazy. In fact, for those who know me, or keep in touch with me, know that I have about a million things going on … good things (my businesses & work), sad things (the trial) and fun things (my little hobbies & projects).

Today I choose to reflect on the fantastic quote I posted above. I am sure that many of you have heard that quote at one time or another. It is quite well-known and it is spoken by many who understand the meaning of it.

When you find yourself thinking negatively, about yourself, or others, or life, or the things you have, or the things you don’t have, or anything you can think of under the moon, then you will notice that most things about your day will also be negative.

Do you ever notice how much better you feel when you smile? Did you know that it takes more energy and more muscles in your face to frown? Did you know that wearing a smile actually reduces stress or stressful situations? Did you know that this is all based on the core of your frame of mind?

Well, now you do know!!

This is absolutely true!! When you change the way you think, and change it in a positive way, you will notice that life becomes less stressful, less painful and easier to deal with!!!

So, today, make a change in the way you are thinking about a situation. If there is something going on that you have been dreading, or avoiding or wishing you didn’t have to do, change your thoughts!! What will you gain from doing it? What can you learn? There is always something positive you can pull out of every single situation. So change your thinking and just do it!!

You can also try smiling today. If you work with people, smile at them. Notice that people smile back when someone is outwardly friendly to them. I smile a lot. People notice in my pictures and when I am at work. It always feels better to smile. But I also wear a frown sometimes, I am human after all, and so this reflection is for me, to remind myself that it is always better to smile through the hard times and to change my ‘stinking thinking’!!! That shitty ‘stinking thinking’ gets us no where!!!

Be the change … Be positive … Smile at the world today!!!

XO ~ Jen

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Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/13/13)

Daily Reflection (05/13/13)

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Not Getting A Goodbye

As I move through the stages of grief, I go through many emotional ups & downs. I have been through things in my life that were very hard, some tragic, some self-inflicted, others were influenced by others, things that left deep scars, lies and betrayal, death, but no one as close as my own brother. I have never felt these kinds of emotions, or this level of pain, ever.

In my mind, I go over & over the events of the day my brother was killed. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? What was he doing? Where was he going? And then things about the actual event that took his life… what happened? How can this have even been a real event… it this really real? It is a mental circus… a mental torture in which I can’t even begin to put into words.

Me being such an analytical person, always wanting and needing to know the answers to everything in this world, the ‘not-knowing’ drives me crazy. It drives me crazy and it makes me very angry and it makes me cry and it makes me scream for my brother… All of this, emotion, pours out of me and I’m not the only one. My mother, who has a death certificate for her son. My father, who had to bury his baby boy. We are all changed. We are all broken. We are all damaged. We all have a hole in our hearts. Our lives will never be complete.

Even when we experience moments of joy and happiness… there will always be something, our someone, that is missing…

In my thinking this weekend, I came across the thought that… one of the hardest parts about this is, not getting to say goodbye. Losing my brother the way that I did, was, unceremonial. One minute of the day, and he was just… gone. There was nothing I could do, no where I could go, completely helpless…

 

I hate that I didn’t get to say goodbye…

I didn’t get to tell him I love him…

I didn’t get to tell him any of the million things I have yet to say…

I wasn’t finished…

I wasn’t done making memories with my brother…

 

My life with him was just over, in one second, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye…

 

If you have a sibling, I cannot stress the importance of telling them you love them, every single time you speak. No matter what… tell them you love them…

 

Have a great day Tryst.

 

XOXO ~ Jen’

 

Tryst Thought : Everywhere I go, I carry him with me. But it’s not the same. It is not ever going to be the same…

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Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/08/13)

 

Daily Reflection (05/08/13)

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Emotional Neroticism

 

Life has brought us to the middle of the week again… and I am praying for Friday! Although I am having a decent week, within myself, that doesn’t mean the outside world and influences have been in sync with my joyful-happiness… yes… I said joyful-happiness because that’s my shit this week! I pretty much refuse to roll any other way.

 

Ah, so… Emotional Neroticism. This is something that plagues a lot of people who are going through the stages of grief. It can also plague those who suffer in any other way. From what, specifically? You name it! Emotions don’t discriminate! Being neurotic, you are kind of all over the place, a little self-centered in your own emotional issues, over-anxious and have a severe case of anxiety, hence, neroticism. Add ‘Emotional’ to the beginning of that, and you are a walking basket-case.

 

Ok. Listen. I am defining this term, because I kind of relate to it… maybe, kinda-sorta, a little bit.. HUH? What? Yea, so I own up to it. But what do I expect. This last year has been one hell of a bad year, and instead of moving forward with me, I have a family that is stuck on drama, trying’ to drag me down. It is stressful, hard to handle and a lot for one single girl in recovery.

 

With my attitude being on the high this week, meaning good, not under the influence… (very important NOT to confuse what I’m saying!!) I am paying ZERO attention to this ‘Emotional-baggage’ that any one who is close to me, feels like dumping on my lap or in my yard.

 

Um, that’s pretty much it.

 

If you want to run an emotional train on someone, don’t call me this week!!

 

I am taking time for myself, time away from the extra crap, and centering my chi … as much as my chi needs!!

 

I hope you all had a great day ~ Of course, I wish you all nothing but the very best!!

 

XOXO ~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : There really never has been a time in my life where I’ve ever been boring, or dull… or ordinary, for that matter… I wonder, will there ever be a time when things start to settle down a little?

 

I am embracing change BIG time right now… And I feel one coming… I am ready for the next step…

 

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Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/06/13)

 

Daily Reflection (05/06/13)

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Bumps in the Road

 

Monday. Mid-day. I have frittata on the brain…. Seriously. I came across this frittata dish with carmalized cauliflower, creme’ fraiche’, paprika, and smoked mozz… of course with eggs and OMG!! My mouth is salivating, for real. Anyway… moving on…

 

How was everyone’s weekend? I sure hope it was great!! Mine was a day short, cause I worked 6 days this week, and yesterday, some classic family drama went down… never a dull moment, huh? I am not going to report the shit storm I went through yesterday, mostly because it’s so ridiculous this time, it’s not worthy of both my time and my words… Anyway… moving on…

 

Today, When I was driving to work, I hit a pot hole in the road. Clunk, clunk.. SHIT! I just got two new tires on my ride… Nothing was wiggling or vibrating, or felt abnormal, so I figured all was just fine. Just hit the pot hole, right? But isn’t that the story of my life? Aren’t I always falling in the pot holes?

 

This reminded me of that story, ‘There is a hole in the sidewalk’, or something like that… you can google it and probably find the story I’m talking about, it’s kinda been around… Or I’ll not be lazy and give you the LINK HERE!! OK! Now we are on the same page…

 

This little story has a really great message. Sometimes we make the same mistakes, even when we know that it can harm us, make things hard, difficult or painful. Yet, for some reason, some things in life are just harder lessons. Some things take falling down a few times before we learn to go the other way. We may repeat a mistake, but eventually, we learn to do the right thing for us. I hope you followed my link to the piece ‘There is a Hole in My Sidewalk’… this is a story that is used often in recovery. In regards to addiction, we fall down a lot before we finally chose the different road…

 

Today, think about the roads you have walked upon in life. How often have you fallen into a hole? How about a hole that you knew was there, yet you fall in it anyway?

 

We kick ourselves when we make foolish mistakes, saying, ‘WTF!! I totally knew better!!’ This is OK. It happens! As long as you hold yourself accountable for your actions & choices, instead of denying them. And if you ever apologize for something, know that if you are really sorry, you try not to do it again! That is the true meaning of being sorry.

 

I hope you all have a super day Tryst!!

 

XOXO ~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : I know the part that hurts the most when it comes to what I am facing right now with the family… the fact that no one seems to hold themselves accountable for their part of things. I find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that some people really think they have done NO wrong, and even when they have someone standing in front of them, telling them how they have been hurtful, they still stand there and deny having any responsibility to their actions, basically telling me that my feelings are NOT valid… which is a very hurtful thing to say to someone.

 

Oh, and when words get put in my mouth that I NEVER said… that hurts too. I have made this statement before: Just because words come out of someone’s mouth, doesn’t make them true.

 

So, we fall into holes. Learn how to get out of the holes. Maybe fall in them again… but eventually, we get sick of falling and choose a different path.

 

XO

 

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Daily Reflection on Tryst (05/04/13)

 

Daily Reflection (04/05/13)

 

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Feel Good

 

Have I ever admitted to loving a rainy saturday? Well, it has been raining here in the city… for days!! We have had more rain & gloom here lately… than, I don’t know what. Of course, our winters here are very dead and ugly. Grey skies are a daily in our winter months… and when spring comes, the sky turns blue and the air turns warm… well, except for this year. It snowed on Friday here, I just didn’t want to write about it because I was in utter disbelief, among being emotionally distracted in more important & stressing ways. So, today, Saturday’s weather is the chilly, wet aftermath of a may snow storm in KC.

 

Have I admitted that I hate it here…?

 

Today has me thinking about love. Yea, love. I know that this is quite the complex subject… so I will scratch the surface of the kind of love I am thinking about today. THE GOOD KIND! I am going to get me some good love today.. spend time with my puppies and my husband at home. Since it is utterly crappy outside, looks like I’ll be inside, spending quality time with Jake, Pistachio and Matina. (Those are the three loves of my life!)

 

Tryst fam… go find you some feel good today!! Whatever you have in your life that makes you just feel good and loved, go get you some of that today!!

 

LOVE is that feel good stuff that ALL of us need in our lives.

 

I hope you all have a super day ~

That is all for now…

XOXO ~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : Today I am grateful for the love that I have in my life.

 

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Evening Reflection on Tryst (05/01/13)

Evening Reflection (05/01/13)

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Karma Points

In life… things are not easy. We do not know all the answers. We do not always make the right choices. We screw up, we succeed. We win, we lose. We smile, we frown… we laugh, we cry. Yes, we do all of these things… and so much more!! Our emotions allow us to feel, our minds allow us to think and make choices.

 

Just because we make a mistake, doesn’t always mean the outcome of that mistake is something we didn’t care about. I say this because… in my life, I have made mistakes without even thinking of the outcome!!Sounds silly, I know… but this actually happens a lot. Especially to those people who are really ‘live-for-the-moment’ kinds, those personality types who are more sporadic, maybe braver, chance takers… extremists… yes, that is me.

 

I think that we have karma points. I think that we do get chances. I think that in the cosmic realm of things… the universe and all its infinite higher powers, and elements, knows when people are of a good soul, or of a bad soul. ((Here is where I struggle with the concept that there are really such souls out there that are bad… but at this point in my life… it know this to be true. Even someone I know, and love so much, can have a bad… oh nevermind… )) ANYWAY~ my point is..

 

Take chances. Live your life. Check in with yourself. Understand it is OK to mess up. You are human. You are going to mess things up sometimes! And if you do… don’t ever allow someone, who says they love you, tell you that if you ever mess up they are done with you! (( Like a parent.. or something… ))

 

No one deserves to hear that!! Love is NOT conditional on mess up’s, or anything!! Love, real love, has no rules.

 

I hope the night finds you well!! I hope you all have some good karma points saved up!!

XOXO ~ Jen

 

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