Dead and Gone… Never Apart

Dead and Gone… Never Apart

I whisper quietly

Just for me to hear

I talk to you

Blow kisses

In certain places

Never knowing

If they make it to you

Up in the sky

Of clouds and blue

Where are you

Where have you gone

It so surreal

I even sing this song

I never thought

You would be taken

From me

I never thought

This is how I bleed

Your energy moved on

Dead here, somewhere gone

I want to be there too

When can I come

Be with you

Can you hear me cry

Everyday for you

Can you hear the words

I am telling you

Why did you leave me

Here, alone, with them

Their darkness

It burns

And I have no one who understands

What does it mean

When someone dies

Why do they leave

Us here just to cry

Where is my brother

Is he dead and gone

Can I go see him

Hear my song

What ever these words

They are meaningless in my heart

He is never gone from my soul

We are never apart

~ J. Lefever ~

(05/06/13)

*****

 

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Silent is the Night

Silent is the Night

 

Silent is the night

As the stars watch me sin

A lonely soul, I wonder

My journey I begin

Elements of the world

Laughing all around me

Wondering why I fear them

Doubting what they see

Inside, I fight the answers

The truth can make me cry

Burns run so deep inside

Why am I alive?

I fight to find my joy

My inner peace and pride

Somethings still hurt so bad

You see me run and hide…

 

~J. Lefever~

Written in April 2013

*****

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

Float

 

Float

 

I want to be invisible, for now

Nothing for anyone to see

Moments & memories

My imprints of my past, gone

Like a feather floating in the breeze

A little piece of nothing important

Floating bye for no one to see

 

No one notices something that is

Nothing, when there is nothing

To see

 

I like the feeling of detachment

Rendering me in a calm state of mind

Awareness has slipped away with the wind

Swallow me world & make me invisible

Make me nothing for the world to see

 

 

Look at me, I’m not really here

I’m so empty today, you see

I float through the minutes of this day

Aware that I need not be

Anything important

I am nothing to see

 

I can go anywhere today

Be anywhere that I want to be

And still, not really be there

That’s what it feels like

When you feel like nothing

I am invisible

No one can see my sad heart

No one notices my tears that fall

Gently down to the ground

Landing in a soft pool of wetness

Representing a soul that is broken

No one notices my empty hands

Wanting to be held

Wanting to be safe and warm

Waiting to feel like I’m someone

 

Is it okay if I isolate today

What will it matter

If I just literally slip away

When I’m here, you don’t seem to listen

When I’m there, you don’t even see

It’s like I’m just imagining

My importance to you

So instead of pretending

I will just go

Don’t worry, my dear

You won’t notice a thing

Nothing will change when nothing goes

Away with me, with just me to be

I love you but you don’t even see

That I’m invisible to you

And it’s damaging me

 

I’ll float somewhere else

Where nothing else matters

 

~ J. Lefever ~

 

This piece was written in regards to… something inside… of me, or maybe someone else… either way, it is real and it is my sadness today…

Do you ever just want to float away?

 

 

 

ღ

 

 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still, I Am Nothing

Still, I Am Nothing ~ A Painful Piece of Reality

 

Walk somewhere with me…

 

I pick up the sand

It runs through my fingers

Like time

The time I was there

Seems like someone elses life

Completely…

Certainly not mine

 

Who am I trying to be?

 

I’ll run with the horses

In the fields far away

This land is their playground

We just get in the way

Let me play

Just today

For a while

 

Where am I headed?

 

She said I was going

Nowhere

And that I was always

Quite the mess

A Hopeless waste of space

Running around this place

It was true, maybe

I don’t fit anywhere

 

Why do I try?

 

He told me in his words

That no matter what

I’d never succeed

I’ll never be good enough

Never will he be proud

I’m just no good

I’m just not smart

Why give me a chance

Or hope

When there is no hope for me

I’ll never be anyone

That he thinks I should be

 

Why do I still seek his approval?

 

Times like these

Is when I cry the most

Run the fastest

Hide the furthest away

From the world,

And the sunlight

From me and everything else

Trying to numb the

Pain inside

Of never being enough

Of anything

For my dad

 

Why am I not enough?

 

~ J. Lefever ~

This piece is a part of me that I’ve carried for years. My whole life, really.

I almost didn’t post it. I almost didn’t put the very last word in it.

This piece hurts. Bad. It’s how I’ve felt for years, and still to this day, no matter what I do, no matter how many battles I’ve finally found the strength to overcome, I am still not enough, not good enough, I am still nothing to my dad.

 

It breaks my heart.

 ღ

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

 

Taken

Taken

 

 

Undertow of emotion

Pulls me further & further

Feeding my sensitivity

Like its dying from famine

 

Vaguely remembering a time

When the waters ran deep

The world was alive, in color

Hunger was not something to feed

 

Hushed by the threat

That poses itself each day

Luring me to be weak

Fallen again, I just may

 

Wading on through

The pool of my forgotten realities

How I found myself here

Fixed by the proper formalities

 

Silenced by my mind

As it walks around the city

Debating my philosophies

Fighting what’s left of me

 

I know the reason

I have crawled here to die

Because it hurts less

Than the moments when I cry

 

One day, someone came to me

And said I’d never be the same

Said half my heart was killed

That I had lost the dirty game

 

They said, you will have to go on

You will hurt no matter what you do

You will never be whole again

Nothing will ever feel like you

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(03/13/13)

 

 

ღ

 

 

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tearing the Pages

A Poetic Duet written by A Shade of Pen & Think. Speak. Tryst.

 

 

Tearing the Pages

 

Reaching out, I touch your hand
I feel your warmth beneath the sand
It’s been so long, since I’ve been home
Wishing I was not alone

 

A hundred thoughts cross my mind..
I wrap memories around my heart
Every room in this house
Speaks of the moments of me and you…

 

Since the beginning of time
Everywhere I went, you were there too
I wake to the reality of life

That someone has taken from me, from you

Nothing  feels right anymore..
It is hard to march ahead..
When my heart is encased in lanes of yesterday
If I could undo the past, I would

 

Climb to the top of the highest sky

Or swim the deepest depths of the sea

There’s nothing I wouldn’t for you

To bring you back, next to me

 

There is no joy left in my life

I only crave to be with you

Defy the spirit of the Lords

And I will hug you close and not let you go

 

If only things could be this way

If only my dreams would come true

Never be, the space between us

Nothing would keep me from being with you

 

Yet, life is not always the fairy tale

Not all dreams shape into reality

It is the memories that I have of you

That give me the push to hope again 

 

And so, I walk on forward

Into the day that is tomorrow

Leaving scattered behind

Pages torn of tender sorrow

 

Written by A Shade of Pen & Tryst

 

To see Tearing the Pages on Shruti’s page follow the link provided

 

 

ღ

 

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

Waterless Tears

 

Waterless Tears

 

Rendered powerless against time

I have become what I never wanted

Waterless tears have run dry

Numb is my constant state of mind

 

Wanting not what I have

I cannot escape the truths of my day

Warmth is but a distant memory

Smile is empty when I look to you

 

Finger tips in the water of the river

Flowing against the currents of time

Running from a place I knew

Forgetting everything I thought was mine

 

Echo echo, in the dark

I am standing here

I feel like I’m falling apart

Into a pool of waterless tears

 

All the times I cried for you

Just to be stripped bare of my identity

Once I stood so tall & strong

Now so little is left of me

 

I never thought my tears could run dry, oh

My heart has made a fool out of me

Waterless tears, an empty soul

Wasteland as far as the eye can see

 

~ J. Lefever ~

(03/08/13)

 

 

 

ღ

 

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing, I…

Nothing, I…

This is a piece about a great loss… The loss of a someone… The loss of a soul

 

Underneath

This air

I’m standing

Alone

Arms stretched out

Reaching into the nothingness

hoping to find

Something to hold my hand

What is this

Place I have rendered

Myself in

Unable to turn back

Find my way home

Where is home anyway?

Unable to explain

The place I’m in

Unable to find a reason

To smile

What has happened to my soul?

Answers I need

So desperately

Yet I can’t find

Unhappiness has me

Paralyzed, Loss has me

Stuck, in this

Thick atmosphere

A space of nothingness

Nothing here

Nothing for me

Nothing to hope for

Nothing to find

Nothingness is me

I am nothing, I…

~ J. Lefever ~

Written when I was a little lost.

We all have moments when nothing seems to feel quite right.

As I struggle to stand up, facing the reality of my life’s greatest loss.

I lost my little brother, and some days, nothing feels right….

ღ

©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication