Soul Graffiti ~ A Tryst Anniversary Post

Soul Graffiti

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A Tryst Anniversary Post

I have had so much going on that I didn’t even realize that today is the 1 year Anniversary of Tryst!! My life has taken me through many moments in the last 12 months, but when looking back, I know that I stand even taller and even wiser than I did last September. Just like any person, I have made mistakes, but I always get up, brush myself off and move forward. My years of being ignorant and blind to my faults are even farther behind me now. The lessons I have learned, some through success and others through personal failure, are what make my Soulshine even brighter today than ever before. I know that I have this empty space, and that space will never feel quite right again, but in the absence of my brother who was taken so tragically and violently from me and my family, I carry his spirit with me in everything that I do.

I can proudly say today that my life is clean, truthful and good. I think about my family and loved ones before I make decisions and I am selfish in the right kind of ways, selfish enough to eliminate the shitty people who claim to be a friend, who claim to have my back, but so foolishly in my innocence and sensitivity I believed these claims as these people only turned out to stab me in the back, as opposed to ever having it. (I am really only referring to a very small number of people, two or three to be exact — as the ones I have in my life now are wholesome and good and have shown it in every step they make, and we all know that actions speak much louder than words … words are only words & words are meaningless when they come from a source who is only fooling themselves in life … I pray for those people)

This morning has been hard, as the trial continues with no resolve as of yet for the person responsible for killing my brother. I was reminded of a lesson today, and that it, when you are right, when you are true, you need no defense. There is no reason to defend the truth because it speaks for itself. Only the guilty get defensive and only the guilty get mean and ugly to people and only the hateful, selfish and cruel turn and lash out at someone who they know is good because the goodness of the other person clashes with their darkness and inner self loathing. So, for those people, I bless you and pray that someday you find some self-love and a true sense of peace. I have made many mistakes, yes, but I love myself more today than I ever have and it shows in my life, in my smile, in the things I do, in my personal success … my true self-love and my sense of peace and harmony with myself shows in my heart, on my face, and in every way I live my life. I do not waste my time anymore and I have become way too strong to let anyone take advantage of me, and this is something that I let many people do for many years.

When a person changes, especially makes positive & strong changes, they may not get a good review from their network of people who have always counted on them to be weak, or to screw up, or to be the one they can point a finger at and say, “At lease that isn’t me!!” And so when you get your love, strength and wisdom’s and leave that old ‘you’ behind, you will find yourself leaving behind many of the people who you thought were in your corner, when in fact, they were only using you this whole time.

Life is not always easy. And death has taught me so much … about everything!! But I can tell you that life is also very beautiful. And when you have love, real love, there are no words needed to explain it. It just is. And when you have real truth, there are no words needed to defend it, because it just is. And when you have real forgiveness, real happiness, real peace, real love and real kindness, you never waste one minute waking up in the morning, harboring negative energy, or lashing out to another, with the only intent to hurt them. When YOU are REAL, the world knows it in everything that you do. You don’t have to hide your hatred or ugliness because you NEVER practice these things. You just get to be you, all the time, and let your heart and soul do the work.

I still struggle with things. I still go back and forth. But I can proudly say that I hold myself accountable for the things I have done, otherwise, I wouldn’t have the mind and soul that I do today. In the last year I have cried more tears than in my whole life put together, losing my brother, my best friend, my world, has been the most difficult thing I have ever been through, by far the most painful. It has made me realize that there is so much peddley shit that I have been hurt by, or cried over, or let bother me … and let me say, I DO NOT lose sleep or shed tears over people or things that are not worthy of them. I can thank my brother for teaching me that. But I do fall apart and cry for him. I probably always will. He was one of the best people I have ever known, a heart of gold, and now I have only memories.

While I think about these things, I feel overwhelmed with all that I have to say, and all that I have learned over the last year. Too many words, too many thoughts, too many reasons why and why not … but here I am, here I stand, alive and well and here to tell all my stories, share my success and shed light upon the reasons of my falls. I am neither worse or better than … but I am good, I am great, I am proud, I am honest, I am kind, I am always trying to better myself, I am living a life that is peaceful, I have more love today and I don’t over look that, I cherish it as a blessing, and while I give love, just as I receive it, I continue to bless this world, the people around me, and all the wandering souls who are still searching or healing.

I hope my brother has his hand on me and can see the things that I am doing … and in any moment of weakness, as I am still a human and I will still make mistakes, I only ask for the strength to continue on the path that I am currently on, because I am very proud of who I am becoming … I am very proud.

Here is to my ONE year of writing on Tryst and sharing all my chaos with my Tryst Friends and Family!! Here is to ONE year of my documenting all the graffiti that is written on my soul!! I have over 700 readers and I love each and every one of you!!! May Tryst continue to grow, may I continue to grow, and may we all keep holding each others hands in the rain, in the sunshine and while our Soul’s shine … cause you all know that nothing is better than that. Nothing feels better than Soulshine.

Love – And have a beautiful day

Jen Lefever

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

On & On

On & On

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What’s been going on

The world as I know it

Frustrating my every inch

Testing my very soul

The ways in which I

Do not understand reality

Permanently broken

Are the pieces of

Who I used to be

Shaken like a falling bridge

I stand in the shadows

Stubborn to let you see

Any moment of my frailty

I will whisper my stories

To those who sit and listen

And you can all watch me

As I cry

Millions of tears, falling from me

As words pour from my heart

Deciphering why my hands are bleeding

In the absence of my brother

In the missing of certain love

In abandonment of some people

In the confusion of cruelty

In the misdirected chaos

In the useless negative energy

In communicating all the reasons why

I have no idea why

Some things in life just don’t make sense

There are no answers as to why

Reasons unknown

Watch me as I cry

Falling down in this moment of time

Begging to hear a beautiful song

As my life goes on and on

This is what’s been going on

~ J. Lefever

09/05/13

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Good News!! Tryst Update

Good News!! Tryst Update

I am super happy tonight!! Last month I entered a poetry contest … it was the very first time I have ever submitted a poem for any thing!! I went through all of my material, a collection of over 500 poems and 2 manuscripts, which took me a few weeks. I needed to choose only 1 poem, under 28 lines, any style or genre … needless to say, this was a hard thing to choose with so many to pick from!!

Finally, I picked the one I wanted to send in!! I re-typed it and put it into an envelope … sealed it and popped it into the mail box. (Again, this was my first poetry submission, EVER!! So, I’ve been anxious to hear if I made the cut or if my piece even got seen …

So today I got a letter in the mail from the Publisher’s of the contest informing me that my poem made it into the semi-finals and I am up for grand prize!! Having made it this far I will get to be published in the book they are putting together of everyone’s poetry, so even if I don’t win the grand prize, I feel like I still won anyway because I will have a published piece!!

Good news & Good job to me!! … (I am kinda proud) 🙂

Xo ~ J

This really made me feel good and brightened up my whole day!!

~ Tryst Publication ~

Obsession Confession on Trystღ

 

Obsession Confession!!

 

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Vanilla Sundae with Caramel!! ~ Tryst Obsession

 

Here here!! Here it is!! I wanted to take just a quick minute to write a fun post, to follow my last one, about my most recent of obsessions!! As I have admitted before, sometimes I get hung up on things!! When I cross paths with something fabulous or delicious, I can’t help myself but to be ALL ABOUT IT!!

Gotta have it!! Gotta have what…??

So what’s been my thing these last two weeks is the Caramel Cup from Sonic!! It’s actually the Caramel Sundae, with extra caramel, extra whip & a cherry … but for only 2 bucks and a quarter you too can get this delicious, cool treat!! I have at least one a day!! Yes, that’s right!! I get a Caramel cup of deliciousness at least once a day, and I enjoy every bite, down to the last spoon full of vanilla ice cream and caramel!!

My last Tryst Obsession was CTC… Cinnamon Toast Crunch, which I went through boxes of this stuff like it was going out of style!! So funny, how someone who is an ACF certified Chef with such an advanced palette and a love & passion for gourmet foods, still enjoys the little sweet pleasures in life … like kids cereal and vanilla cups with caramel!!

XOXO ~ Jen

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Hitting Me Harder ~ Tryst Update

Hitting Me Harder ~ Tryst Update

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I have become quite the introvert.

I thought that I had become stronger. I thought maybe it was also a numbing effect. I thought that in the last three hundred and sixty-five days, I would have a better understanding of what life is like after my brother’s death. I thought that I’d find myself, a year later, grown, better, stronger, wiser, balanced, somewhat peaceful, among some other things … and unfortunately, here I find myself, still as confused as ever.

 

What do I really know anyway?

I have NO answers to the paradoxical questions that I mentally beat myself up with daily. I am still walking the same streets, working the same job, writing the same things, (my ongoing written projects that seem to frustrate me more than anything because I write pages and pages, then I go back to edit and think they sound completely stupid, so I delete and start over, back to where I was … oh the frustration!!), I am shooting pictures that seem to have no inspiration, portfolio on standstill, and I am getting distracted with little mindless tasks, in hopes to find something to spark my motivation, creativity, and something that will finally feel like I am truly inspired to act upon…

 

I am still searching…

Yes. Things are hitting me harder now then they were last year. I can speak for my parents as well on this matter. We all thought that we would be more put back together by this point. We were all wrong.

It just goes to show that no matter how old you are, how much life experience you have, or think you have, life still comes at you and you cannot always predict the end or outcome. We don’t always know where we will be and when we will be there.

These are the questions that drive me crazy!

I wish I could just shut my mind off, tune out completely … but that has NEVER worked for my active mind! I am always thinking … about everything … even stuff that really is pointless, I still give it enough credit to be a little important for me to entertain in my mind. (I have never been the kind of person to ignore anyone or anything … um, except myself … how ridiculous is that? … well, anyway …) So I think what it would feel like if I could shut my mind off and be still, not worry about anything, sit in complete silence … just, be

(Trying to do that now … just, be….

Hum… OK. So, I may need some more practice. I have meditated before, not regularly, but I do know how to meditate … for 30 minutes, maximum. Anything more than that is when I start to fidget and my mind pops up everywhere, wondering, and then all things are screwed up!! But, at least I can sit for a 30 minute meditation, better than nothing right?

It is our own minds that talk us out of most things anyway.

That is the truth!! If you didn’t hear that piece of immaculate wisdom above, read it again … Truth baby!! Our minds are so powerful and have such a strong influence over us, we often times don’t realize that WE are the center of our energy, thus creating most of our success, failure, joy, pain, happiness, etc… Yes, it is us!!

Today, I am going to pull myself out of introversion. I don’t really like it there anyway … it’s not me

I am still hopeful.

I am still searching.

I am still fighting to know, to be free, to know serenity, to give & receive love, to find purpose, to make a difference, to have a voice, to hold someone’s hand, to accomplish a goal, to connect with my brother in new ways, to understand it’s ok to NOT understand, and I am still fighting for internal love & kindness…

XO ~ Jen

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Jenny News ~ Tryst Update

Jenny News

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How Long Have I Been Gone...? ~ Tryst Update

I have had a very active schedule these past few weeks. I have had some things going on that are very awesome and exciting, and I have had the stress of some very tough/painful things going on as well.

The one year date of my brother’s death is tomorrow. This ‘first’ year without him has been very tough. As many of you know, those who have followed me loyally and read the things I write, I have had about a million up’s and down’s these last 12 months. (I actually haven’t been blogging for 12 months yet, so my Tryst family has only been linked into my life for the last 9 months, but still, 9 months is plenty of time to get to know me, as I am as real in my writing as any deep, emotional poet should be…)

The stages of grief have taken me through sadness, anger, resentment, depression, isolation and some emotional mini-drama’s … but I have survived none-the-less and here I stand, telling the world my stories.

I have some things coming up … I have been asked to get involved in programs like D.A.R.E, here in KC, where I will get the opportunity to talk to kids at schools and other youth groups about substance abuse, being a victim to acts of violence and the death of my brother. I am honored and excited to be a voice to these kids and tell them my stories and the things I have been through. If I only help one person, just one person, then it will be completely fulfilling to me. I hope to make the impression and teach the wisdom that life does not discriminate, no matter who you are, or where you come from … life happens to all of us. Life can be very hard at times, but there is always, there IS ALWAYS, light on the other side. You just need to never stop loving yourself, and you will be alright.

Other than that, I have been putting in 50 hour work weeks, at least, working like a dog!! And trust that I am tired like a dog!! Phew…

I have recently launched my photography business which is SUPER exciting for me!! I have purchased some new equipment and have been playing with my camera … I love my hobbies!! This is something I have been thinking about for a while now and finally decided to go for it!! I have studied photography in college and I’ve always loved it!! So, furthering my experience, I’ve been doing LOT’S of shooting, adding to my portfolio!! I know that great things have to start somewhere before they become great, so what better time than now? Plus, it’s good to keep busy with things I enjoy … it helps with the grief I feel in the absence of my brother.

I also became a part of a SUPER great nutritional business!! In college, I minored in Nutrition while getting my Culinary Degree, I thought the information would be a great credential for me to have alone with being a Chef, and it has proven to be just that!! I have come across some KICK ASS products and was offered the chance to be a part of this up & coming, fast growing business op … AND not only that, but I have used these products that I’m now sharing with the world and they are SO fantastic I can’t even believe it!!

I will probably post more about this with another post, more informative & what not … because this is just a Jen Update …

I have really missed my Tryst Family!! I have not been writing too much lately, and it has been three weeks since my last Daily Reflection. (I wrote a poem, yes, one lonely poem, in the last few weeks, but that has been all I have had time for    😦 <-sad face  Launching and writing of my web-sites has had me quite occupied!!

So how is my Tryst Family? I have a mail box Jam Packed FULL with all of your wonderful posts, in which I will dedicate a long Saturday to do some reading!! I always enjoy reading the wonderful talent of all of you as well, so rest assure, my inbox will stay full until I get to do some reading!!

Yesterday it was raining here, terenchal downpour!! But today, the air is clear and the sky is blue and it is just simply beautiful … not only that, but even though I am extremely tired, worn slick, beat down in every which way … I am still standing here, with a smile, a sleepy smile, but yes, life has me smiling …

I am grateful for many things today …

Enjoy your day Tryst!!

XO ~ Jen

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

In A Nut-Shell ~ Tryst Update

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In A Nut Shell ~ Tryst Update

 

Last weekend I posted a tweet that kinda made me laugh… I tweeted that I need to start writing things down! As in, making lists.. of things I want to do, need to do, have going on, and ideas that POP up in my head through out the course of the day. This made me laugh after I hit ‘tweet’ because, well, I am a writer!! I write ALL the freakin time!! How is it that I am forgetting things… ? What’s up with that?

 

In a nut-shell, I have been extremely busy. This has been a very good thing for my emotions and grieving (the loss of my brother), but it has been frustrating in other areas of my life.

 

In a nut-shell, I am NOT managing my time well! I have ongoing projects, things on the back burner, new things coming forward and millions of thoughts floating around in my head…

 

In a nut-shell, I really wish there were more minutes in the day… but then again, I’m glad there is not!! If I crammed any thing else into my already busy life, right now, I might lose it and go postal!!

 

… I am way behind in writing here, my Tryst Land has been seriously neglected!! I mean, I haven’t been doing even my Daily Reflections, and those I LOVE, because they really help to center my thoughts and feelings… I write them in hopes to help others, or maybe inspire, or heal, but they are really helpful to me and so when I don’t ‘reflect’ I feel like I’m ‘neglecting’ my spirit…

 

…I am behind in my book project and my manuscript… I have a poetry contest that I’ve been preparing for and have three hundred poems of mind to choose from, and have gotten NOWHERE in actually choosing!!

 

…My friendships, which mean the world to me, and most of which, my really good friends who don’t even live in KC, I have been meaning to pick up the phone and here I am… still needing to make my friendly ‘Jen-calls’ to my peeps… I miss my people!!

 

In a nut-shell, I am freakin busy!! I have a new business that just started and work on top of that… where am I going to find some more time? Better time management? Or even just some peace and freaking quiet? When will things be simple and calm?

 

Meanwhile, I have the one year date of my little brother’s death looming over my head… and words do those feeling absolutely ZERO justice…

 

This has been a Tryst Update. Brought to you by Jen, who is just a girl, trying to stay afloat, in a crazy, ever-changing world.

 

Xo

 

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 ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication