Whispers … (Revisited)

This is something I wrote some time ago for my Soul to Shine space. Tryst is, and will always be, my main blog writing space with the most content and the deepest looks into my truths and my realities … but I created my little Soulshine space for the little pieces with a BIG meaning.

The history and story of what Soulshine is to me and how it came about in my life is something that I have not really shared in great detail. For those who know me, understand what Soulshine is just by knowing me and how my energy works. I am alive in my heart, I am alive in my spirit and everywhere I go, I am a giver and sharer of my Soulshine. I honestly can’t imagine being any other way … and why would I? This is who I am.

Sometimes fewer words have a much bigger impact. That is what you will find in Soul To Shine.

Here on Tryst, I write much more …

I cut and paste this little bit because it suddenly POPPED up in my notifications the other day, and as I said, I wrote it some time ago. This little notification brought me to this piece and I read through it.

This was a Free Write. And one of my favorite Free Writes. So I wanted to share it here … because, well, because I just did.

I hope it reaches someone … anyone … even just one single soul … and they enjoy reading the words as much as I did when writing them.

XoXo

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Whispers

…she is the moon, up in the sky… she becomes the stars, when you make her cry… her music sings painful melodic blues, telling of times when she had felt used… when you hear her whispering words in the air, listen closely to what you hear… she is telling you that the world can be cold, but you can still have love that is warm to hold… she will tell you that pain will make you stronger, by giving you wisdom to living longer… she will tell you to be aware of all of your time, because time is short and you can’t rewind… she will tell you that yesterday has come and gone, don’t live in the past, it’s a truthful song… she whispers that love is the ultimate gift, to have, to hold, to give, and to wish… so love with your heart, and let your soul shine on through, and never, ever, stop being true to you…

 …Jen Lefever

*****

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Creating Illusion ~ Tryst Update

Creating Illusions ~ Tryst Update
 
There was a time when the world was my oyster.
That time seems so long ago.
I was a vibrant youth, running around the world.
Alive, with every breath I swallowed up joy.
Then life happened and everything changed.
The world turned grey and things I love went away.
Now I’m grown, but I’m broken inside.
Most days I feel invisible.
There was a time when I thought I’d never know sadness.
I must have been fooling myself.
Sadness came and it won’t seem to leave.
 
The world is full of many things.
That is the wisdom… right there
It is pretty some days, and dull the next
There is sadness here, as well as joy
There are rainbows for every storm cloud
Tears for pain and laughter for happiness.
 
For my invisible days
I ask myself, why am I hiding?
It’s me that creates the illusion of invisibility
Not others…
 
********
 
I can’t always explain why certain emotions come & go. There are just reasons beyond other people’s understanding… and that is OK! Not everyone is supposed to understand why my heart cries…Just as I should not UNLOAD all my tears onto others.
 
I have a very good life. I have a very normal life. I am a good person, like most of us… But, my life is different & unique, as each one of our lives are. It is mine. There are a couple of things that I have going on in my life that are, quite ridiculous. But no matter how much I despise them, I have no choice. Just gotta get through them. These are the things that can bring me down a little because I know I’m quite honestly ‘too-good’ to be going through this shit… but still, life sure doesn’t discriminate, does it?
 
Sometimes, being alone is a really good/healthy thing for the soul.  ((I try to tell my husband this, but he doesn’t like to hear it. He doesn’t like to be alone at all!)) He doesn’t understand why I pack up my car and go to my lake house to get away and just be alone. I NEED to be alone with my thoughts. To clear my head. To listen to my heart.
 
Only in the space of solitude… do I find true internal peace and reason.
 

♥Jen

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Love Bites ~ Tryst Update

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Love Bites ~ Tryst Update

Wednesday. I’m at work. My life keeps on going… whether I like it or not. I’m not really sure how much more I can handle. Yesterday was really tough. I haven’t spoken to anyone about the events of yesterday, yet… I am kind-of going over things in my mind.

 

Yesterday I was reminded of some truths and wisdom’s:

 

“No one gives a real shit about you, except yourself.”

“Watch your own back. No one is going to do it for you.”

“Just because you hold yourself accountable for mistakes in life, doesn’t mean other people will.”

“It is much easier to point a finger at someone else.”

 And…

“People can be a real disappointment.” …Even the ones we love the most. When we realize that what we would do for them, far surpasses what they would ever do for us.

 

I can sit here and tell myself, oh, if it wasn’t for this, or that, or that person, I would never be in this situation. (( I know I am being very vague here, but I need some discrepancy, at least for the time being. )) But that kind of thinking is really unproductive. Yea, other people play a part in things, sometimes a real BIG part. And I doubt when times are tough, that those people want to admit they are responsible for some of the grief, or responsible for some of the suffering that another is going through. Who likes to admit they have played a part in fucking up someone’s life? I sure would feel really-stinkin-bad if I were a certain someone in my life right now… but that’s just me. My heart knows right from wrong. I have screwed up many things in my life, but I still know when I’m responsible for something. Which gets me to my point…

 

I can’t sit here and be mad at someone else. Sure, when I think back on the years, my life got really shitty there for a while, and it was half me, half them. They got the luckier/easier end of the stick, I didn’t. I did not have any of these problems before this person came into my life, so the proof is right there. There is nothing to argue about.

 

No one really prepares you for some things in life. My dad tells my that my heart is so good, kind & sensitive that it is not always a good thing. Sometimes, having a heart that cares like I do, I find myself suffering a lot more than I should because the inability to tell people to FUCK OFF and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE. My dad is right. I have a very hard time saying that to people… most especially if I have a love for them, any kind of love, makes it that much harder.

 

I sit here and hear the words, over & over in my mind, “The only one who really cares about me is me…”

 

Today, Tryst family, I am reflecting on what is really best for myself. I have lost a lot in the last three years. A lot. What does my future look like if I don’t make some serious changes… There are too many things I want to do… Why the hell would I sacrifice anything in my life? …I shouldn’t have too… (More on this in my Daily Ref. )

 

Always have your BEST interests at heart!! DON’T sacrifice anything for anyone!! Trust me, life is short, and no one is worth it. (( I take that back… there are good people out there who are worth it, but they are few and rare… ))

 

I hope the day finds you all well Tryst Peeps. As for me, I have a life to think about. (( I hope this made any sense… I feel like I just went on a rant… but, even I, need a rant every once & a while! Life is hard!! People suck!! I have a right to rant, if I want, right? ))

 

~ Jen

 

Tryst Thought : How many times must my heart-break? I don’t know if I can keep defending someone who I know has done me wrong. I need not have to explain the words on this page either. For any intelligent person, this should be understandable. 

 

When you love someone, you don’t create more complications for them. You don’t throw them under the bus, and their well-being, even their freedom, just for your own selfish needs and problems. That is not love. That is not love at all.

 

 

*****
 
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Already Me

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Already Me
 
With a strength
That surprises most
So I hold on
To my lonely beating
Soul, and listen as
The steps of the
Unknown
Grow closer to me
To the air I own, yet
Nothing owns me…
 
I have grown comfortable
In my skin
I am feeling content
As the woman I am
In tune with the
Rhythms of my body
The cycles of the
Pages of the
Chapters of my life
That is me, I
Own the strength that
Surprises me so…
 
Much like the river
Dances & flows with
Earth and all its changing
Essence, I too can dance
Like the best of them
Whimsical mysteries of
Spirits becoming
Women, in this thing
We call life
I tell my story
Piece by piece…
 
As the moments unfold
And time goes by
I realize that all I’ve ever searched for
Was right here, was me, it was always I…
 
Words can be thrown at me
To damage and to bruise
Using these tools to move forward
I refuse
To look in the back
My rear view of yesterday
Defeated me not
I stand to fight this very day
Pushing forward
On a quest to be
Everything I have been
All that is already me
 
~ J. Lefever ~
(03/21/13)
 
For strength.
For perseverance.
A feel good piece.
 
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Daily Reflection on Trystღ (03/21/13)

Daily Reflection (03/21/13)
 
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Acceptance
 
Let it snow! Let it snow! let it snow!
 
No. I am not kidding. No. I am not being sarcastic. It is the 21st of March and it is snowing again. Expecting 3 inches today and then 6 more on Saturday. I know. I can’t believe it either!!  
 
I could go on & on here about the longer delay in spring time, but I’m at that point where the subject has just been beaten to death. Everyone here in this city, on Facebook, Twitter, Google, YFrog, and Blog’s are all complaining of the long, cold winter we are still seeming to have. The cries have been hears, the tears have fallen, this winter sucked, and it’s still sucking!! WE KNOW JEN!! So, I’m finished.
 
I accept things the way that they are.
 
Do I have another choice?
 
This brings me to an important topic of reflection today. That of acceptance. Acceptance is a virtue that is something we should practice through out our lives. There are many things in life that are going to happen that we have no control over. There are mistakes that we may make, that we cannot change, and as a result, there are consequences that we just need to accept.
 
What comes with acceptance is a whole lot of attitude that makes dealing with life much better!! Not worse!! Did you think I was going to say a whole lot of attitude that sucks? Nope. When we learn to accept something, although we may or may not agree with whatever it is, we accept that it just is. We accept that we cannot change it. We accept that we need to deal with it, obviously, or we are the ones who end up making things that much worse for ourselves.
 
There ain’t shit I can do about the cold air. There just isn’t. I’m sorry peeps. I have no magical powers, I don’t know any magical spells, or witch craft, or Indian dances that can make things different outside. But what I can do is accept that although spring isn’t here yet, I’m sure it’s not far away. And with that kind of attitude towards things, I bet you will see me smiling and with that sprite that you are used to seeing in my steps!!
 
I hope your day was great, where ever in the world you are, and I hope your night is great as well!! ~ Truly, Jen 🙂
 
Tryst Thought: We can apply acceptance to so many things in life. And when we do, I can personally guarantee that life will be easier for you!! Having acceptance is having the demeanor of a grown, wise, patient adult. It is something that we should strive for when we are young.
 
The truly wise know when to fret and when not to. Trying to control things that we are powerless over, will leave us disappointed and unsatisfied.
 
Be realistic in your thinking, and your actions will follow.
 
Yes, the above ‘Tryst Words of Wisdom’ were written by Jen, straight from the mind of Jen.
 
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When Advice Becomes A Torture Device ~ Tryst Insider

Is It Good Advice? Or Torture Device? ~ Tryst Insider
Listening to your inner voice…
Think about all the advice that is floating around this planet. People with problems are always the ones who try to project the most, and sometimes best, advice on to others. This is true because who better to give advice than someone who has been there, right? But one thing needs to be remembered: Just because words come out, and formulate sentences, which make for communicating some advice at someone, about a situation, this doesn’t mean that the words are true!!
Just because you say it, doesn’t mean it is right, true, valid, or even good advice!! No offense to the people way up there on their pedestals… Don’t get a nose bleed!! ((I have a strong opinion for people who think they are so great, that they are just above the rest of the world. And my opinion is quite harsh and offensive, so I’ll keep it to myself, so long as we are understood.))
Good advice, I think, can be not-so-good advice, which turns into, following the path of the wrong way down the street, sadly leading you, blinded, to the wrong time and place, all the while, you are torturing yourself because you’ve followed some bad advice!! Ah!! Not some bad advice!!
So what do we do? How do we decipher the good from the bad? The right from the wrong? Are we putting too much hope into one basket? Believing what we want to believe? Fingers crossed, hoping it turns out this way, all the while, probably knowing that, we are on a long path to the torture chamber?
Giving advice.
When giving advice, you need to think things through. Is what you’re saying going to point the person in the right direction? For you, or for them? And How do you know?
When taking advice, keep in mind that it’s coming from someone who may not know all the details. So be cautious when following the path of another. Don’t find yourself being tortured over letting one person lead you astray…
Just sayin’
🙂 ~ Jen
Tryst Thought: Should I have listened to my heart instead? Don’t leave yourself in the pool of doubt! Weigh all of your options!! Know that the best answers for ourselves, are always inside of us. No one knows you better than you!!
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Soul Revival

Soul Revival

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Crooked thoughts
Travelling through the air
Destination undecided as
It continues nowhere
Begging for a reason
An explanation to ease
My wondering mind
Misdirected chaos
Left remembered behind
I lost my strength
Perseverance slipped away
I’m not my yesterday, yet
Misery likes its prey
Stumbling down on my own
Trembling knees
How have I returned
To the place that makes me bleed
A liar and a fake
I pretend all too well
Broken promises written
Straight back to that hell
Noises I can’t turn off
Silence pierced through my inner voice,

Telling myself I’m falling
Hearing my own little voice
I thought it was OK
That I was able to trust
I fear I’ve been tricked
Left a joke in the dust
So now I run so far
Tears burn in regret
Anger builds against my soul
Shamefully lost the bet
People thrive and celebrate
In watching someone cry
Until the day when evil wins
And the weak have finally died
Why I’m here to tell you this
I really don’t even know
I cannot explain myself enough
Confusion rendered me low
Yes so down low I cannot speak
My words are upside down
Just a made example of
To watch you cry and frown
Upside down & inside out
I’m a shallow shell of nothing
A shadow cast into the wind
Still running from something
Why me, why my, why is this so
Why must I have to endure
Reason like this I search & search
To find this madnesses cure
Circling back to that broken place
I cannot even explain
Where I went, or why I chose
To carry on this pain…

But here I am
Not really so
You can see that I am gone
Something must be stronger than me,

I’ve been acting all along
Are you confused looking at me
Wondering where my light is going
Puzzling reality to me as well
Who pretends to be the knowing
Off the edge, I slipped and fell
Into the black abyss
Confusion sets in, I can’t explain
My spirit feeling like this
Frazzled my nerves, my soul & mind,

The bridge is falling apart
Truth my be I’m still afraid
To show my open heart

The path I’ve chosen I hate with a passion,

I barely have survived
I won’t give up, or even surrender
Until my souls revived

 

~ J. Lefever ~
(02/18/13)

Something clicked, and took me back, I felt something deep inside…

This piece is my yesterday, and my present just the same.

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