The Silence of the Night

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In the Silence of the night… I see that storms don’t last forever ~
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The Silence of the night
Has me feeling free
Thinking of yesterday
And all the chaos you created
I wondered each & everyday
What parts I played in it all
Yet, once I removed you
The silence came…
The peace
The quiet
The stillness of happiness
The darkness was washed away
With the rain…
Suddenly you were gone
And all my suffering went with you
In the silence of the night
I saw my life
Alone
And it is beautiful
Anyone looking in…
Can see plain as day
The chaos was always you
And I get to walk away with my head held high
As I
Was just your excuse
So what is it now…
Because now we are apart
And my sky is full of light
And the darkness left with you
In the silence of the night
Im smiling in the quiet
Spaces I call home
And storms don’t last forever
I am happy alone

☆Tryst☆

Embracing The Day

Embracing The Day ~>
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The moments of my
Morning,
The beginning of my
Day…
Breathing in the
World,
Not a word
I need to say…
Blissfully taking in
The freshness all around
Sun peeking over
The sparkling dew
On the grass thats on the ground…
Thinking of my yesterday,
Of all that I’ve been through…
Wondering if you’re missing,
The things I miss of you…
The ups & downs we experience…
Constantly moving our hearts,
Are we still connected,
When we are miles apart…
The moments of my
Morning,
Remind me I am alive…
And all the things Im seeking,
Some things I left behind…
Even looking forward
Moving from day to day…
I will embrace this life
In every single way.

~ Think.Speak.Tryst.~

Black & Blue

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Black & Blue

The game we play

Goes back and forth

Of two people who

Make verbal stabs like daggers

Intent is only

To pierce the other

To make them bleed

To hurt, nothing else

Who have we become

We were never this way before

Once you loved me

And it was you that I adored

But now the days are different

We are black and blue today

Black when we hurt the other

Blue when we cry and bruise

This game is cruel and ugly

Its intent is to stab, burn and use

-J. Lefever

(12/11/13)

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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Verse 101

Verse 101

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Fallen down
On to hard, concrete ground
Fallen through my hands
I am lost, far from found
Off in the distance
Here comes the rain
Inside of my mind
I feel the pain
Fallen down
The walls around me
Fallen through the cracks
I have tried, so hard
Time and time again
Here comes the rain
Inside of my mind
I feel the  pain
~J. Lefever~
11/04/13
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

The Moment – Post Traumatic Stress

The Moment
Post Traumatic Stress
**
And then one day
You are somewhere in the world
With this feeling deep inside
A feeling that something is wrong
You just know
That something is not  right
You don’t know what it is
But it is something
This feeling is real
Unknown to what your senses are telling you
You tell the feeling to go away
Go away … you say
Just go
You don’t know what else to say …
 
That’s when the moment arrives
The moment you are brought into the white room
Told to sit down and listen
Told that this will be some difficult news
 
At first I heard the words
Echoing inside my head
Echo … echo … echo …
No no … he can’t be dead
No no … you must be wrong
No no … it can’t be my person
No no … you don’t understand
No no … please check again
No no … You’ve got the wrong man
Right … ?
What … ?
Oh no … don’t say the words
Oh no … no no no not my brother
Oh no …oh my God oh my God
Oh no … I can’t feel my hands
Oh no … my chest is tight
Oh no … I am gasping for air
Oh no … this doesn’t feel real
Oh no … no no no not my little brother
Oh no … no no
My knees hit the floor
My hands slip as I try to brace my fall
Dizzy in my head
Blur … blur … blur
My sight is seeing red
On the ground with people all around
Muffled are their voices
Blurred by my tears
Drowning my eyes inside my head
Say it’s not true
My brother can’t be dead
I must get out of here
As I am now trapped in hell
No where to go
No where to run
I need some air
I’m coming undone
I stand up on my legs
They quiver in physical shock
My throat is tight & dry
Get me out of this room
Am I really here right now
This can’t be real … it can’t be real
I take myself outside
Underneath the sky
Looking up into the clouds
Looking for his face somewhere …
Screaming … I start to scream NO
Screaming … SCREAMING … scream
I scream his name over and over
Hand on my breaking heart
Bent over I sob … I sob
I can’t seem to catch my breath
I can’t seem to let myself feel
That any of this … is real
This can’t be real, right?
This can’t be real …
This can’t be real …
That’s my brother … my baby brother
That’s my life … he is a part of me
Oh no … I love him so much
So much, my brother … NO
Shock …
I’m in shock …
Panic …
I start to panic …
No no … I’m not done!!
I’m just not finished
I have things to tell him
I have things to say
I have to let him know
Oh my God … I didn’t tell him goodbye
He needs to  hear me say ‘I love you’ one more time
One more time … just once more
I … I am not
Finished
I … have so much to
Oh no … no not my brother … no
Why?
How?
What happened?
Where did he go?
What did he need?
Why Dave oh no … why?
What am I supposed to do now?
I need you here
What about mom & dad
They need us both
They are getting older
I told them that I’d always be here for you Dave
I told them that you will be ok
I can’t breathe … I just can’t breathe
Let me catch my breath …
Someone tell me something
Someone tell me what to do
What am I supposed to do
My whole life had you in it
Life doesn’t make sense without you
And the last time we spoke …
Oh my God … the last time
The last time we spoke was the last time we spoke
It was the last time I’d ever hear your voice
I didn’t know that … I didn’t know
How could I know that
I’m sorry … I’m sorry
I need to call your phone
I’m calling your phone
It’s ringing … ringing
I hear your voice
Bus it’s your voice mail
I’m holding the phone
My eyes are burning
My heart is aching
I slide down the wall
Phone drops to the floor
I sob for you … I sob
Tell me this isn’t real
This isn’t real
Hole
There is a hole in my heart
 
Now what …
 
~ Sis
 
**
 
This is something I felt like trying to put into words.
I didn’t do it much justice … these words are so light, compared to … this event that haunts me and recurs in my mind all the time … no justice.
**
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Many Nights, Oh How I Wish …

Many Nights, Oh How I Wish …
A Poem on Tryst
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The day that comes
When I can look into the eyes
Of my very own creation
Holding their tiny hand of life
I will remember the days
Before that very moment
The forever wishing
And Praying of words
That I would be given
A tiny part of me
Deep inside of me
There has always been
This strong urge to be
A giver of life
Waiting for the day
To have a family of my own
Oh how I dream and desire
Wishing upon many of stars
Many things
I know I will say
Lessons to teach
And reasons to give
Follow your dreams
Don’t sacrifice your heart
Give love everyday
Most of all to yourself
Be kind to the world
To all its living things
Treat others the same
Be accountable and don’t blame
Learn from falling
Be strong and get right back up
It’s ok to cry
But don’t forget to smile and laugh
So I bequeath to you
The wisdom’s that I know
So that you
Never fall into the puddles
That I tragically did
If this day ever comes
If I’m ever given this gift
If the universe finds me fit
To show another my way
And love them when they find theirs …
Oh how I wish
For another part of me
And of him, of course
I am tired of being selfish
I am ready to do for another
I am done with the nonsense
Of all the little things that just don’t matter
Oh how I wish
For another part of me
And of him, of course …
~J. Lefever~
10/24/13
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©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication

Daily Reflection on Tryst – Letting Go of Yesterday

Daily Reflection on Tryst

October 22, 2013

Letting Go of Yesterday …

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Today my thought is simple. I want to remind myself and others while I’m at it, that there is no point in fussing over the past. The past is over and there is nothing you can do about it. How much time have you wasted into fussing over this and that about your yesterday?

Of course I am mainly pointing this advice towards myself today … I have a current situation that has me … quite pissed actually, pissed about some things that happened about a year ago. About a year ago!?!?! How stupid is this then? There is nothing I can do to change these events, there is no amount of time I can spend trying to explain them, or justify them, or rationalize them in any way. The time has passed. The events took place. And I have since moved on from all of it.

These events have consequences though. Those consequences are what I am currently dealing with and thus explain my pissy, fussy, bitter attitude and my sense of regret.

I am reminded on a daily basis right now about my foolishness a year ago … the fact that I listened to my heart instead of my head a year ago … the fact that I majorly sacrificed my safely and well-being for the sake of another a year ago … the face that my life and my parent’s life will be highly affected if this ends badly because of this other person and my inability to remove myself from the situation a year ago … I a reminded on a daily basis that it get me nowhere, ever, loving another person MORE than I love myself!!! If I love another more than I love me, look how much shit I have to deal with … only because I made some serious sacrifices, and excuses for this person.

I am the fool who loved someone else more than I loved my own self and as a result … I am paying for it greatly right now.

But this is still all a pointless waste of my time! And everyone else’s whom I might bother with the banter and conversation about this shit. So, what can I do?

I can think about what I CAN do for my future and to move on with the best outcome and the best results for this situation and these events. Nope, I sure as hell can’t change the past but I can make a difference on what happens today and tomorrow.

So that is what I am doing. Stop with the bullshit fuss about what I wish I would have or have not done a year ago and get on with the best course of action to make my present and my future more pleasant … and make this past situation, end peacefully.

Phew … glad I got that off my chest!! I needed to vent a little!!! Of course, this matter is personal and so I am vague about the what-have-you’s … but that’s my business. I only wanted to reflect here on the pointlessness of fussing over things that have already happened. Put energy into today and tomorrow and you’ll be much better off!!!

Oh, and NEVER love someone else MORE than you love yourself. Period. Ever. Never do that. Because no one will ever love you or have your back as much as you do. People are NOT selfless like that. I learn the hard way when I act selfless towards someone (Someone in particular) That ‘sacrifice’ , whether they say it or not, would most likely never be returned. People are too selfish to put you before them. It makes me sad to think about this reality because it is honestly not how I am. I never feel good when I am acting selfish, so it is hard for me to wrap my head around this ‘loving yourself more’ but it is a powerful truth and wisdom.

I think I need to find a good balance between the two … being selfless still towards others, but still loving myself enough, if not a little more … plenty, or just right! 🙂

I hope you have a great day Tryst Family!! XO – Jen

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  ©Think. Speak. Tryst. Publication